I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

(tell my mother, tell my father i've done the best i can to make them realize this is my life. ~shinedown)

okay... well. there's a lot. just fair warning (although, 98% of my posts have a lot of content in then, so really... no surprise, right?) so, last night my parents decided to... well... i wouldn't say accost. but they fell on me with what they thought would be a good conversation about my long term goals. okay, well, understandable, right? i'm twenty years old, not in school (right now...) and i am not doing much aside from working at burger king (ahem.... aka, drama king). despite the fact that i complain about needing to get out of that place, i honestly think that it's better than no job (but any job is better than that). but my mom was all "i'm not talking about your short-term goals, i'm talking more long-term." well, okay, i want to say a good deal of people my age don't neccessarily have goals more long term that finishing school or trying to get into a new job.
and last night, my dad was asking me questions like "how is your social life?" and "who do you talk to?" and "what about your family?" okay, really, dad? why do you care about my social life and who my friends are? he hardly asks me questions like that to begin with. i don't get what that had to do with anything about long term goals, and why it mattered to him so much. it doesn't matter to him any other time. so, why ask, all of a sudden? it's no surprise that i don't talk to many people, because i close myself off when i'm not comfortable or can't trust someone. it's just how i am. so, again, i ask, why does it matter?
my problem with this is that i haven't set long term goals. i haven't decided exactly what my path is in life, so it's that much harder to set long-term goals. my number one priority right now is to get out of drama king and finish my book. when i'm done with those, then we'll see. because i can't really see past that. i'm going back and forth between blogging here and looking online for a job (which is kind of distractedly looking for a job, but it's better than me not looking at all.). i'm not staying at burger king all my life, nor am i going to live with my parents looking over my shoulder every other minute of the day.
they were all over my case about how i needed to start having these long term goals and how i need to be more responsible about going about that. okay, i don't neccessarily know what i want to do when i grow up. and i'm never going to find out if they don't let me get jobs that will help me figure that out. and if they have a fit about where i work or how i figure this stuff out, then why try to please them? why not make myself happy? i have no idea. but this is too much sh*t to handle, it seems like.
and then this morning, i had all my stuff ready in my bag by the front door to go to the gym and come to my grandma's house. and guess what my dad was doing? breathing down my back, asking me "charlotte, what are you doing?" "what are you doing, charlotte?" "check your email to see if you have any emails from places that you sent emails to." okay, by this point, i was ready to leave, aside from the fact that i hadn't had breakfast yet (which, by the way, i had said out loud, but my dad decided to ignore me and tell me exactly what i had to do.). i almost hit him in the face and asked him, "what the f*ck are you doing right now, aside from breathing down my back?" because that was all he was doing.
all i need is for my parents to realize that what they want for me may not be what is best for me (well, in my mind. but hey... they're parents. they don't realize that i'm different from them, mind, body and soul.). it seems like they don't see that about me. i mean, really. i'm the creative, slightly artsy (still stretching that just a tad) type. i shut myself down when i feel threatened or if i don't neccessarily agree with what's going on, or if my parents decide they can get into my life. really? show me some respect. i don't go up to them and get all up in their business about everything. i don't ask them "what are you doing right now?" i don't go up to them and say, "what are your life long goals? and you need to tell me this right now." no, not at all. i give them that respect and that courtesy. i just find it aggrivating that they can get all up in my sh*t but i won't do that to them.
i guess i just feel like they're so... overbearing in what i do. they say that it's because they care and that they love me, but sometimes it seems it's because i'm not just like how they are. i'm not the kind of people that they are. they claim they love me, but i feel like they just want to be overbearing parents that want me to turn out like them. i'm sorry, i don't think i want to be just like my mom or just like my dad. because neither of them are the kind of person i want to be.
i almost want to tell them, "grow up. i'm never going to be like you and i don't know why you can't accept that." almost. but it's getting to the point where i'd rather just take what i have and up and leave, because i feel like i'm being pushed to do things i don't want to do or that isn't right for me. i don't know if they understand that.
i don't really care anymore. i'm doing what i'm doing and i don't really care if my parents think it's right for me. i'm doing what I think is best for me and that's what should matter in the end. it's just so frusterating that they think they can control certain aspects of my life.
i'm having a hard time understanding why all of this is so obscenely important to them. well, i do. but not a lot.
whatever. i just think it's stupidly ridiculous that all they care about for me is what my long term goals are, and not just what is good for me.
... i'm just really frusterated and i needed a place to let out that frusteration. and here it is. ugh.
i guess i just need to figure out a plan on moving out. maybe that way my parents will see that it isn't about just what they want. it's also about what i want and what's right for me. i can't handle the added stress of them piling this whole me needing "long term goals" and what i'm "going to do with" my "life."
but here's the deal. i don't know what i want to do when i grow up. i mean, i want to do something with my writing, but that might not be stable enough for me. but other than that, i honestly have no idea what i want to do, and my parents stressing out about it isn't helping me help myself. i won't know what i want to do if they don't let me figure that out.
okay, okay... i guess i'm done venting. for now. (knock on wood)
anyways, i'm still trying to make plans to go see a movie. well, not just any movie. The Hunger Games. 'nuff said. i've been wanting to see it. real bad. because the trailers are awesome. my sister said the movie was good. i just want to see it for myself. because ... well, duh.
i don't know if there is anything else to say. OH... hold that thought.
i've sent a text or two saying hey to the guy i've been talking about (the one that i needed space from. whatever...), but he's been ignoring me. i guess it's for a good reason. i was the one who said that i needed space. so, why can't i stop texting him? i don't know. i'm just a dummy and keep texting anyone who might text me back. so, i guess i should not be a bitch and do follow what i say i need. i just gotta stop texting him. put some space and distance between me and him. exactly what i need.
okay, i'm done with this post.
be creative and be true to yourself.

1 comment:

  1. too big. i did't read completly. nice topic.