I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

(have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? you're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone. ~P!NK)

okay, so, i'm not one who usually admits to being that girl who falls apart for every guy. let alone being that girl who does fall apart. BUT i do like this guy enough to be falling apart a little bit. just a bit. but whatever. i'll live.
he's supposed to pay me back the $10 i loaned him, so i'm hoping for a text or something asking me to meet him somewhere. whatever. i just ... i think i need some time to just chill. if he does text me, asking me to meet him up, i'll be like "i thought you were planning on texting me sunday about hanging out... just hit me up then." and just leaving it alone. i don't know. i think that's the best way. you know? i just want.... i don't know, i want to be normal again.
and the past month and a half, there's been enough guy drama that i think i need to just back off and be done with it for a minute. i need to breathe and let things happen. because i'll be happier that way, i guess. i don't know.
let's wait and see how things go. i can't predict the future. i can only hope.

(i only pray you'll never leave me behind because good music can be so hard to find ~ADAM LEVINE)

okay, i don't normally do posts like the last one. but it was so weird and kind of spooky, so i decided to do it, anyhow.
so, monday (being smart), i went to the club and spent several hours in the sun (with no sunscreen). and i got sunburnt (serves me right.). and i went again the day after and got burnt worse, even with sunscreen. yup. amazing. my back is still burnt and hurts, but it's getting better.
but one good thing that will come out of this is the sun tan. ahhhhh.... :)
BUT.... guess what???
after more than a week of pining and hoping and being kind of in a funk, this guy (from a couple weekends back.... you know the one... the one that i got drunk with.) texted me yesterday. he explained that his phone wasn't working right and he'd just gotten it fixed. but, a week before memorial day, we had a conversation and part of it was that, no matter what (how i feel about him, whatever happens, etc), i'd be that friend that'd go to the ends of the earth for any one of my friends, him included. so, last night, he asked me if he could borrow some money for gas. but i only had ten dollars and he said that was good enough and that he'd pay me back tomorrow. whatever. i'm just that kind of person.
but hearing from and seeing him made me sooooo happy. it was like fresh water being poured on my soul. it was ... amazing. i still like him, i still want to be with him. but his friendship means more to me than any of that. i'm just so happy. we talked for a minute last night when i lent him money. and we've been kind of talking today, when he's had a moment from work to text me. we're (well, i'm) hoping we'll hang out sunday.... i would love to. i mean. just to actually hang out as friends. and see what happens. because last time, we started at the end. i want to start from the beginning and see if it will take us anywhere.
i'm just happy to find someone new that i feel like i can be myself with. someone who doesn't know me, someone who won't judge me. but somone i feel like i can be me in front of who i've never known before. and it's been awhile since i could say that. maybe it is because there was some intimacy between us before, maybe because we got drunk together, i don't know. but i think it's going to be easier for me to open up to him that to any other guy and be who i truly am in front of him. because he might mean something to me in the long run. i think he's worth keeping in my life, even just as friends, if nothing else.
well, i have to get to cleaning. have yourself a wonderful day. :)

i am such a dork. :/ lol :)

8th Grade
Boy: I Really Like You; Will You Please Go Out With Me...?
Girl: Yes.
Boy: What?!?
Girl: Yes.
Boy: YES!
*Girl Starts To Fall For The Boy*
*Exactly One Month Later*
... Girl's friend: I Think It`s Time You Two Broke Up.!
Girl: Okay..{Secretly Doesn`t Want To But Is Too Afraid Her Friend Will Hate Her If She Says No.}
... ... ...
Boy: Hey.
Girl: Hi.
Boy: How's it going?
Girl: It's fine.
Boy: What's wrong?
Girl: I think we should break up..
Boy: What..?
Girl: We should break up.
Boy: Why..?
Girl: It`s Just... We Never See Each Other Anymore/:
Boy: I can change that.
Girl: I've never met your family..
Boy: I can change that.
Girl: I just don't feel that way for you anymore..
Boy: I wish I could change that.
Girl: I'm sorry.
Boy: I know.
Girl: I Have To Go..
Boy: Thanks for trying..

{Next day:}
Boy: Hey.
Girl: I'm sorry..
Boy: No I'm happy we broke up I could tell we weren't going anywhere too.
Girl: Okay.../;

{Freshman year:}( 9th Grade )

Girl: (Playing their song) I like him.I have since we first started dating,but I can't tell him;I can't tell anybody.

{Sophomore year:}( 10th Grade )

Boy: (Has A New Girlfriend)
Girl: (Playing their song) I like him...I still do...but I can't tell him,I can't tell anybody.

{Junior year:} ( 11th Grade )

Boy: (Him And His Girlfriend Break Upp)
Girl: I Like You. I Always Have -&&- Always Will!
Boy: I'm Sorry, I Like Someone Else.
Girl: (Runs Away Cryingg.)

{The next day:}
Boy: (Finds a note in his locker)

Note: I Told You I Like You, But I Was Wrong. I Meant I Love You; But You Don`t Love Me. I Wish I Could Change That. I`m Sorry For That Day Back In 8th Grade. I Really Didn`t Want To. I`m Gone Now, I`ve Been Sick For A While Now.. But The Time You Read This I`ll Be In The Hospital On Life Support. I Just Needed To Tell You Before I`m one. I Love You♥ Don`t Forget That!!(:

Boy: (Stares At The Paper For A Long Time And Runs Down The Hall, He Went To Her House, But She Wasn`t Home.)

{The next day:}
Boy: (Goes To The Hospital And Tells The Nurse Who He Wants To See)
Nurse: It seems she checked out yesterday.
Boy: She's better?
Nurse: I'm afraid not. She had cancer and she passed away yesterday. I'm sorry.
Boy: (stares at the floor, he runs out the door and down the street)

{The Next Day, At Her Funeral!)
Boy: (Asks to speak)
Boy: A Few Days Ago I Received A Note From Her. (He Reads The Note) And I Wanted To Tell Her Before She Left That I Loved Her, I Love Her. I Loved Her For A Long Time; And There Is Nothing I Can Do Now.! -Nothing-
All I Can Say Is I Love You, And Now Your Gone.... I Wish I Could Change That.!
Boy: (Starts Crying And So Does Everyone Else.)
The Boy Ends Up Marrying Her Friend Who Told Her To Break Up With Him In The First Place. When He Found Out What She Had Done, He Killed Himself; To Be With The Girl He Really Loves!♥ He Was 28.
Repost Or You Will Have Bad Luck In Love For 28 Years./:
Repost And Somebody Will Tell You They "Love You" Tomorrow And You Will Get Good News Tonight At Midnight:)

they hurt her

After lunch, her teacher announced that the school was holding a fire drill. When the alarm sounded, Carmen and the other students filed out of the classroom and assembled in the yard outside. As the teachers read out the roll call, the gang of five girls decided that this was a great opportunity to embarrass Carmen in front of the whole school during the fire drill. They moved over to where Carmen was standing, near a sewer drain, and began crowding the poor girl, getting in her face and nudging her towards the open manhole.

They pushed her and she tripped over and fell head-first down the manhole. When they saw her falling, the girls started giggling and when Carmen’s name was called out, they shouted "She’s down in the sewer!"

All of the other students began laughing. But when the teachers looked down the manhole and saw Carmen’s body lying at the bottom in the muck and the poop, the laughter abruptly stopped. Her head was twisted around at an odd angle and her face was covered in blood. Worse still, she wasn’t moving. There was nothing any of the teachers could do for her. Carmen was dead. When the police arrived and went down into the sewer, they determined that she had broken her neck. Her face had been torn off when she hit the ladder on the way down and her neck snapped when she landed on her head on the concrete at the bottom.

The police hauled Carmen’s body out of the sewer and sent her to the mortuary. Everyone had to stay behind after school while the police questioned all of Carmen’s classmates. The five girls lied to the police, saying they had witnessed Carmen falling down the sewer. The police believed the girls and Carmen Winstead’s death was ruled an accident and the case was closed. Everyone thought that was the last they would hear of Carmen Winstead, but they were wrong.

Months later,Carmen’s classmates began receiving strange e-mails on their MySpaces. The e-mails were titled "They Pushed Her" and claimed that Carmen hadn’t really fallen down the sewer, she had been pushed. The e-mails also warned that the guilty people should own up and take responsibility for their crime. If they didn’t there would be horrible consequences. Most people dismissed the e-mails as a hoax, but others were not so sure.

A few days later, one of the girls who pushed Carmen down the sewer was at home taking a shower, when she heard a strange cackling laugh. It seemed to be coming from the drain. The girl started to freak out and ran out of the bathroom. That night, the girl said goodnight to her mom and went to sleep. Five hours later, her mom was awoken in the middle of the night, by a loud noise that resounded throughout the house. She ran into her daughter’s room, only to find it empty. There was no trace of the girl. The worried mother called the police and when they arrived,they conducted a search of the area. Eventually, they discovered the girl’s grisly remains.

Her corpse was lying in the sewer, covered in muck and poop. Her neck was broken and her face missing. It had been completely torn off. One by one, all of the girls who pushed Carmen that day were found dead. They had all been killed in exactly the same way and were all found at exactly the same spot. In the sewer at the bottom of the same uncovered manhole where Carmen had met her doom. But the killing didn’t stop there. More and more of Carmen’s former classmates were found dead. It seemed that anyone who didn’t believe that Carmen had been pushed, was eventually found down in the sewer with their necks broken and their faces torn off.

They say that Carmen’s ghost is still on the rampage, hunting down anyone who doesn’t believe her story. According to the legend, Carmen will get you, whether it’s from a toilet, a shower, a sink or a drain. When you go to sleep, you’ll wake up in the sewer, in complete darkness, paralyzed, unable to move, hearing cackling laughter all around you. Then, as you scream in horror, Carmen will come and tear your face off.

So be careful who you bully, because you just might find yourself on the receiving end of the curse of Carmen Winstead.

FACT: About two months later,16-year-old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it. When he went to take a shower, he heard laughter, started freaking out, and ran to his computer to repost it. He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, but five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night from a loud noise and David was gone. A few hours later,the police found him in the sewer, with a broken neck and the skin on his face peeled off.

Even Google her name - you'll find this to be true.

If you don't repost this saying "They hurt her," then Carmen will get you, either from a sewer, the toilet, the shower,or a drain.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

(i don't want to be lonely no more. i don't want to have to pay for this. i don't want to know the lover at my door. it's just another heartache on my list. i don't want to be angry no more. you know i could never stand for this. so, when you tell me you love me, know for sure. ~ROB THOMAS)

what a funk i'm in. yes, i realize it's late. yes, i do know i've never posted this late before. i do know that i haven't written a real post since.... monday. almost a week. but i can't find words for how i feel right now. for the past week. or was it sunday that i last posted? i have no idea. i guess what happened was we wouldn't get attatched. sadly, i kind of did. and now, i'm sitting here, feeling hollow. we've only talked sporadically since monday. but now... i feel like i should just get over it. i know it'd be better. i know that it'd be easier.
i just don't know anymore. i've been weird all week. i guess it's just this whole thing. i am done with it, though. even though i don't know how to let it go. i got a taste of a way of life that seems thrilling and fun. and i shared it with my best friend, her boyfriend and a guy that could have meant something to me. i just want to cry. what good would that do? none. right.
there is another guy that could potentially help me get my mind off this guy. he works at my local kroger. his name is todd. i went in last week to do some grocery shopping (obviously) and i went to the produce to get, well, produce, and he was back there, putting stuff away. he asked where i'd been and i told him that i've been working and hadn't had the time to go grocery shopping in awhile. not another soul noticed or said anything at all like that to me who works there. he might just be friendly, though. i'm just saying that he's been kind of a constant. partly (ok, mostly) because he works at kroger and i go there often enough. and partly because there isn't anything romantic about the relationship (wait, what relationship? there is no relationship....). but whatever. i smile when i see him, without thinking. he's easy to talk to. someone that i might want to get to know.
it's just hope, though... (wow, pretty much that whole paragraph, i hardly thought about the first guy... huh....). hope that it might go somewhere, hope that we could be friends (maybe something more???). hope that maybe ... just whatever. whatever is there right now i don't want to ruin. because it makes my life a little bit easier whenever i see him. because i am truly happy to see him. because he's nice. because ... i don't know.
i just have no idea what to do. i just want to figure this out in the least painful and fastest way possible, thank you. because i'm done with this funky, sad, hollow feeling that's been sitting in my chest most of the week.
well, i'm off to bed. gonna put my volume on my phone ... Laura said she'd text me later. so... yeah. i might just stay up until she does and crash. but i'm not gonna stay here and pour out my sorrowful love life here when i don't have to.
have a good night, guys. you all are wonderful.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Just read the little stories and think of a wish as you scroll all the way to the bottom. There is a message there, then make your wish. No attachment on this one. I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right leg. It was 2:53 p.m. When I made my wish. At 3:07 p.m.(14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!! I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this really works!!! My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office. He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 months later and now have been happily married for 2 years. What a great email it was!! Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish. Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex. you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish to come true). However, if you don't send this to people in 5 minutes, you will have bad luck for years!! Go for it!!!SCROLL DOWN!
 STOP!!! Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes. Now follow this carefully....it can be very rewarding!!!! If you send this to 10 more people, other than the 5 that you already have to send to, something major that you've been wanting will happen

Monday, 21 May 2012

(i am a wild one, break me in. saddle me up and let's begin. i am a wild one, tame me now. running with wolves and i'm on the prowl. ~SIA)

okay, okay, not the cleanest song to use as a title. but i had to get something new. i've been re-using a couple songs. so... yeah.
but... anyways. i feel so insufficient. i only have 30 hours this week (if i don't get breaks) and he has 85 hours. and i know if i'm complaining about it, i should change it. but right now, i don't know. i'm starting to get my life together. but maybe i should get another job. that would make sense (cents? haha).
oh. my. god. i can't stop thinking about the guy. i know, i know. i just met the guy friday. but, i mean. how can i not? he's hot as hell. and a gentleman. and he's on the right path. shit. he's so damn perfect. i don't know what it is. he doesn't think he is... well, attractive in any way. but i've told him enough since friday that i guess he's starting to believe it.
okay, well. i need to stop obssessing for a moment.
i had to work this morning.  8 to 4, and no break. fun, fun. not. whatever, it wasn't so bad. not really. but i was kind of in a funk. my head was hours in the past (still on saturday night/yesterday morning... for obvious reasons.). but still, not too bad of a day, i guess. i got paid, too, so really, that just made the day so much better.
okay, well, the boy (well, man...) doesn't get off of work for about another two and a half hours. and i need to pass the time by doing ... well, something. and i don't know what to do. BLAH. blah, blah, blah. i could shower and go home to read. or write. or .... eat dinner. ionno. whatever.
okay, well, i'm going to go kill time until my baby gets off work (once again, benefits of having a boyfriend WITHOUT having a boyfriend. pssh... whatever.).
have a good week, friends!!!

Sunday, 20 May 2012

(i miss that town. i miss the faces. you can't erase. you can't replace it. i miss it now. i can't believe it. so hard to stay, so hard to leave it. if i could relive those days, i know the one thing that i would never change... ~NICKELBACK)

oh, wow. let me just start by saying that since friday, there has been a lot of stuff that's gone down. i won't go into much detail. but i have to say that this weekend was probably the most fun i've had in God knows how long.
friday, i was hanging with a friend (Rose) who i haven't seen in years. we went to St. Clair Shores and Peanut was busy (of course, St. Clair Shores is their money spot. no surprise.). whatever. i went to take Rose home and went to the mall with Laura, her boyfriend, Terell, and his friend, Rob. somehow, we got alcohol and stayed the night in a motel (if you're smart, you'll put the pieces together. for me, it didn't go all the way, though. i promise!!! Rob and i were good.... kind of....). and Rob and i texted all day, even though he had to work (and get in trouble for texting... ooops.). and he came over to my grandma's house last night (nobody was home and we didn't do sh*t. promise) and spent the night. he held me all night. :) i know i just met the guy, but i do like him. the only problem is (damn) is that he has a warrant (benched, thank God. still means that if he gets pulled over, he could go to jail, though. ugh.). he didn't want to start something good, only to have it ruined by going to jail. and i get that. so, last night, when we were falling asleep, he said something along the lines of us being friends with benefits but no benefits (like sex-wise).... meaning, i guess, that i get the benefits of having a boyfriend without having a boyfriend, and vice versa. and i guess we'll figure it out from there.
God, i've only thought of Peanut, like, twice this whole weekend (and drunk called him on friday... uh... yeah.). and i don't feel jealous because it wasn't like it was going to last between us, anyways. he travels too much. but Rob, on the other hand. he works, like, 60 hours a week (good for him. he gets paid $9.00 an hour), has a car, has money, has a place with a roommate. he's getting his shit together. the shit he needs to get together, anyways.
i don't know. i think part of the reason that i like him is because of what happened friday night. but it's not just that. he's a sweet guy. he knows what he wants and is at a place in his life that he can be happy about. i mean, aside from the warrant, his life is pretty good.
okay, well, i'm gonna go reminice on how crazy i've been lately. blah.
have a good Sunday, guys!

Friday, 18 May 2012

(am i crazy or falling in love? is it really just another crush? ~DAVID ARCHULETA)

oh, guys, i'm so happy. almost to the point of being way too happy. i went out wednesday (complete waste of my time. Peanut had a bad day and wouldn't answer his phone, so i didn't see him) to St. Clair Shores to not see Peanut. i went back yesterday and ended up staying out there for like four hours, hanging out with Peanut, Thomas and Josh. and well.... the last 45 minutes i was out there, Peanut (*sigh*) and I snuggled off and on. he walked me to my car when i left and hugged and kissed me good-night. but we aren't really together (um, yeah. i don't know.). i don't know what it is, but being with him or just hearing his voice makes me incredibly happy. so much so that i promised that i'd try to go out again today to see him.
i told him last night when he was walking me to my car (with his hand in mine.... again, we aren't together. and i don't know why.) that i was happy that i came out. i don't know what's wrong with me. i like this guy a lot, but... there's the whole thing that he's a carnie. am i incredibly crazy for doing this? or am i following my heart and doing what's right? because, despite what my friends say, i have no idea. i just want something that feels right and this feels right. for right now, anyhow. because this makes me incredibly happy. even though i'm killing myself with putting gas in the car (Peanut said he'd give me gas money tonight if i go out... huh. none of the guys i've dated before never ever said they'd pay me gas money or just give me gas money. assholes! ... excluding Peanut.).
God, i really think i am crazy. tell me what you think. because i've lost my mind.
life is looking up for right now.... i have Peanut, i'm working between 20 and 30 hours a week, i have a social life to look forward to. life is amazing. :) 'specially Peanut. for right now.
the only icky-ness in this picture is that Beast got arrested and is in jail. like, warrents or something? i don't know. Peanut and Thomas only told me last night. i kind of wigged out. i was like, "holy shit, really?" i couldn't believe it. i was stunned. the guy is kind of sweet. as far as i know, for right now, is that he don't deserve to be in jail. i don't know.
but aside from that, it's all good. i just hope that he gets out soon.
XXXOOO and plenty of happiness.
P.S. i don't know why, but he makes me incredibly happy. have i mentioned that yet? this is way too crazy. but i love it, anyways.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

(i threw a wish in the well. don't ask me, i'll never tell. i looked to you as it fell. and now, you're in my way. i'd trade my soul for a wish. pennies and dimes for a kiss. i wasn't looking for this. but now you're in my way. ~CARLY RAE JEPSEN)

i'm way too happy for my own good. this is great. i'm going out to st. claire shores tonight after work. i'm going to see my carnies. i get to see Peanut. :) i'm way too happy for this, but what can i say? i slept better last night because i knew it won't be long until i see him. and i will sleep great because i'll be with Peanut for awhile. tonight will be amazing. plus, it can't hurt that my bff is coming with me.
oh my God, i can't wait for tonight. :) i've been so super excited and happy about this since five last night, when i talked to Lindsey. nobody but my dog was home last night with me and i was talking to her (like she's not a dog. please tell me that's not weird.) and she was looking at me like i was .... insane, pretty much. but i couldn't help it. i was happy. i was ... i don't even know how to put it into words. but, this is pretty much intense. not once in my life did i ever think that this would happen. now that it IS happening, i'm pretty much too excited to eat or type (though, i wasn't too excited to sleep. and what does that tell you?)
God. sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. i'm going to work today and people will be able to just tell that something is going right right now. i don't know, i'm just insanely crazily happy for this. nobody gets it. but whatever. i'll just keep it to myself until tomorrow, when i know i won't be able to contain it. right now, i'll be able to for work (just barely, i know. but still...).
okay, i realize that i went from really sad and upset to intensely happy in the matter of two days, but what can i say? it isn't all lost. and this is something that could go right for once. i'm just too damn excited for it right now.
i'll be on tomorrow to talk about this. i'm too keyed up and too intensely happy right now.
love ya!

Monday, 14 May 2012

(the sun set in my paradise. somehow, if i'm lucky, he'll waste his change for minutes - and not a payphone - for his phone.)

i want to thank my guest blogger, Launna, for her post yesterday. thank you for accepting this and taking the time to write here, Launna.
i know today's title isn't a song. but, for once, it goes with the feeling and what's going to be said in today's post.
it'll take a little bit of time to write today. i guess that's okay. because i feel like i've lost something. even though it's not true. not really. i had nothing to lose. nothing at all.
yesterday was the last day of carnival (obviously). i spent a couple hours there, said good bye to the people who mattered (Lindsey and Peanut) and promised to come see them in St. Claire Shores and maybe Birmingham. then i had to take mom and my grandma to the airport (thinking that i had until nine to go back and really say goodbye). i raced home, and got to the parking lot at ten to nine. it was closed and they were tearing down. thank goodness i'd already said goodbye at that point, and i'd be seeing them at the end of the week anyhow, in St. Claire Shores.
but with a promise from Peanut that he'd try to call last night (never happened... whatever, he was busy.), i had a hard time sleeping last night. and friday and saturday night, it was because i knew i didn't have much time left before they were gone that didn't help me be able to sleep. and with another promise of a phone call later this week, i should be okay. i'll be all over Peanut's ass if, come friday, i have no idea where i'm supposed to be going to see him. but, that's beside the point.
this morning, i had a field trip to Pontiac to see if they were still staying out there. nope. not a soul. i didn't see the trailers that i saw last week when i went. there wasn't anything left from the carnival in the K-Mart parking lot. there was nothing.
i came to my grandmother's empty house and starting writing my post (this was maybe half hour or 45 minutes ago.). i had plugged in my phone in the kitchen as i walked in... i went over to check my phone, because with music playing and my typing away, i woudn't've heard it from the office. i checked for any notifications or whatever... nothing. and i just broke down, bawling my eyes out. my eyes were red, i was crying so hard that i coughed and it felt like i was coughing so hard, i'd lose my stomach. that kind of stuff.
it felt like i'd lost something, even though i had nothing to lose. i realize that i had a crush on peanut (and he did kind of like me, too, but that's not the point) and i kind of got to know some of the carnies. but it wasn't like there was anything important. i didn't have a tie to any of them. not one. so, i really don't know why i feel sad or upset or numb or anything.
okay, maybe i do know why. because this is the first year that i had some sort of... not really bond with any of them but... that's the only way i can describe it as. and that's what i felt like i lost last night. a bond with a couple people. i just feel lost. i feel like someone tore my chest open and took my heart. logically, i know it's there. logically, i didn't have a strong enough bond with any one of them. logically, i didn't have enough to lose to make me this way. but... it just turned out this way, i guess. things happen, and sometimes they happen without rhyme or reason. it just is.
but... i shouldn't be this way, with the promise of going to St. Claire Shores and Birmingham. i don't have anything to lose, because i will be seeing them at least twice more within the next month. but it's the waiting, the time passing slowly, the time spent away from people that matter at least a little bit to me. which makes a bit of sense, in a way.
alright, i'm done with the sob-story post. i'll write later this week, when i don't have post-carnival depression. or, when it's lessened, at least.

Sunday, 13 May 2012


"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance"

I hope you Dance

When Charly asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog, I was honored that she had asked me.   I found her blog on pure bloggers awhile back and I was really touched by her honesty and openness.  It is not easy to be open to judgement and saying how you really feel about life. Charly said I could write about anything, well... I want to write about family.

Mostly I want to write about how we all want and need to be accepted in our own families.  I did not grow up in the typical family; I lived with my mom until I was 6 years old and then I had no contact with her for 9 long years.  I was raised my my father and my ex step mother Ruth; there was nothing typical there.  Ruth didn't have a maternal bone in her body, she was degrading and she had no idea how to love.  For years I was angry with her for the way she had treated my sisters and myself.  It is only as I got older that I understood that she had no idea how to love as she had never been loved herself.

I did get to meet my mom when I was 15 and I lived with her for a short time.  She was amazingly good and kind to me but there was love missing there too... my mother never had love growing up either.  She, however; tried to be a good mother but lacked something herself.  I wanted desperately to be a better mother, I wanted to show love.  I knew this was going to be difficult as I myself had not had love given to me when I was growing up.

Also, I was only 17 years old when I became a mother, I must say my oldest daughter was strong and overcame my inadequacies.  I did love her though and I told her often that she was beautiful inside and out.  My youngest daughter is so loving, it is hard not to be loving towards her, I feel blessed that I have had the opportunity to be a mama at two different stages in my life.

I see how my eldest found a wonderful man who loves her and who she loves, they married each other, had their careers started, even went to Europe before they had their first child Jackson.  I see her as a wonderful and loving mommy, I am so glad that she rose above all my short failings and became the wonderful mommy that she is.  I can also see my little one being an amazing mommy too, she is just so kind and loving.. she too had to overcome my inadequacies.

Although I was not the perfect mother, I must have done something right as I have raised two strong, kind and loving children.  Also my two daughters know that I love them with everything inside me.  Isn't that all we can do?

Thank you for asking me to be a guest blogger Charly, I appreciate the opportunity!

(staring out at the rain with a heavy heart. it's the end of the world in my mind. then your voice pulls me back like a wake-up call. ~JESSE McCARTNEY)

okie doke, guys, i'mma have a guest blogger on relatively soon. :) hopefully we don't post at the same time. although, it'd be kind of cool, not going to lie.
oh, the wonderful joys of life. i worked last night and felt like i was walking on sunshine the whole night. it was great. only because i had gone to the carnival during the day and saw my carnie. and i talked to him last night. but today is their last day here. they're tearing down tonight and leaving tonight. i guess i'm going to have to keep it together long enough to go and enjoy it. but, with everyone there who's pretty damn cool, i don't know how that's going to work. i guess i'll have to go and see what happens. if i do happen to start crying, i'll go to my car and take a chill pill. i'm going to have to say good-bye, though. and hopefully see them at a different spot. hopefully. i don't know if it's going to happen, if it's going to happen. i'll figure it out.
but it already feels like they're gone, even though i know they aren't . the carnival is still set up, there are carnies getting the carnival set up. it's going to be a beautiful day... well, i don't know about beautiful, but better than yesterday, and that's all i can ask for right now. just a chance to say good-bye. and maybe collect a couple more numbers. haha, not really. i'm not that much of a dork. okay, i guess i am, but who's to say dorks aren't going to take over the world? but that's for a different post, and i won't get into that here.
but what i will get into here is how much i'm going to miss my carnies. i'll be looking out burger king for the next week, thinking WTF? because there is no carnival out in the parking lot. and that alone is a depressing thought. i don't even have to start the next week to know that it's going to be depressing. though, i will be calling Peanut a couple times a week. maybe. if that. and i've been kind of in a dazy today, anyhow. just the whole, ohmygoodness, i've gotten to know carnies and now they're leaving thing. but that's their job. going from spot to spot. even if it's not fair. i'll live.
okay, well, i have to go. it's time to go to church. have a wonderful day, guys, and i'll blog about the last carnival day tomorrow morning...

Saturday, 12 May 2012

(i wasted my nights, you turned out the lights. now, i'm paralyzed. still stuck in the time when we called it love. even the sun sets in paradise. ~MAROON 5)

first time ever i've used the same song for multiple posts. i don't know if i will do it again or not. but... there it is.
anyways, tomorrow is the last day of carnival. i will cry tomorrow, five dollars on it. this is the first year that i actually got to know some of the carnival workers. this year is the first time i actually had a thing for a carnival worker. tomorrow is going to be heart breaking. for me, at least. and then, for the next year, it's back to the mundane, asshole type customers who don't know how to be polite.
it's a good thing i have the day off tomorrow, otherwise i'd be breaking down at work. i can say goodbye to everyone before they leave for good. but after their next stop in St. Clair Shores, i might be joining them, so it might not be long before i see them again. but as a carnie. :) running off in the carnival. might not be the best lifestyle, but at least, i'll be out of my house for a few months.
anyways, i don't know how or why, this year, i actually got close to the carnies. they're all nice and all. they're all dorks, of course, but they're the best people around. even though it'd be a stretch to call any of them a friend, it kind of feels like i did befriend them for the 10 days they were here. i got to learn the little ins and outs of stuff that i would not have normally known. i know things that other outsiders don't know. because nobody takes the time to say hello to any of the carnies and treat them like people. but i know how that goes. a good portion of my customers at burger king think that because i don't have a good education and/or give them a service that i am subhuman. and that's bullshit. so, i am a fellow sufferer. so... i did take the time to hold conversations with them and got to know a few of them. because i'm nice.
and really, they are nice, too. it's a crazy mash up of people and i guess it fits. but there are, like, three or four that are my favorite. Jeremy (a.k.a. Peanut. i know, i rolled my eyes the first couple of times i heard people call him that, but i started picking it up.), who has blue hair, is totally funny. and he's the carnie i sort of have feelings for. i like that dork. he'd be my type if he weren't a carnie (i can't help it. i like dorks.). There's Robert (a.k.a. Beast. i don't know why, really), who is totally awesome and kind of hot. not my type really. but still kind of hot. Lindsey (way cool lesbian who has a girlfriend. don't go hating. she is pretty cool) is fun. i like her best. she knows be a bit better than Peanut (see above if you've forgotten) and i talk to him more often than i do Lindsey. whatever. lol. and then there's Josh who is kind of ... i don't know. he's weird. i don't associate with him when i can. and then there's Teshia (i think that's her name...) who is a sweetheart. we talked now and again since the carnival's been in town. she's with Erik, another cool carnie who helped me win a couple cool prizes at his game. and then there's Jody, who's another way cool chickadee. and Frank! he's a funny guy.
so, as you can see, i've spent way too much time at the carnival. and this is why i will be heartbroken when the carnival closes tomorrow. hopefully, i'll be there at close, so that i can say goodbye to the people who matter most (Peanut, Beast, Lindsey, Teshia and Erik, Jody, and Frank). but the last year went by kind of fast, i guess. even though the next year will be a bit longer, because this year, i've met some totally cool, kick ass people. ugh.
okay, well, i'm signing off now. i have nothing more to say. i hope i don't start bawling tomorrow, is all i'm saying.
XXXOOO, love you all lots.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

(even sun sets in paradise. i'm at a payphone, trying to call home. all of my change i spent on you. ~MAROON 5)

otay (ugh, damn carnies are wearing on me.... i don't care much, they're all cool... and, well, there's a story... it's coming.... just read.)... well. i have been going to the carnival every day it was open (wasn't open yesterday, it rained all day). but it's been fun so far. the last day it's around is sunday. :/ anyhow... saturday, i went to the carnival (of course...) and a carnie asked me for my number. i thought nothing of it, right? it wasn't four days after i ended it with steven and, well, it was just a guy who wanted my number. well, we've been texting and calling each other since saturday. and ... since the carnies didn't have to work... and i got off early from work because we were slow... and some of the carnies came to our burger king... i went to hang out with him. and, well... i went to drop him off at the bunks/mobile homes in a fricking parking lot twenty minutes away and chilled with him there.... and, well. he kissed me. now, i realize that they are leaving monday, and that i won't see this guy ever again but... well, i kind of like this guy. by this time next month, i'll have forgotten about him and moved on. it really won't matter.... but crap. i knew this last wednesday that they weren't going to be around for more than two weeks. why didn't i be smarter? i have no idea. i'm just crazy. and weird. and completely lost my mind.
well, hopefully it won't be the end of this. but... i don't think that i will be able to keep this up. i don't know. i have until sunday to figure this out. thats.... (wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday) five days from now. i like how i had to count it out, lol. i digress.
i want to keep being with him, but how can we be together? at all? i mean, he leaves monday, and i am left here, all alone, while girls keep throwing their numbers at him. who knows? maybe at another stop, he'll find someone else. i can't stop thinking about that and it might be the reason we won't ever have a real relationship. if we ever have a relationship to begin with.
well, i'm just plain dumb. i better go before i dig myself into a deeper hole. why didn't i learn anything from last year? (last year, a different carnie kind of had a thing for me, but i didn't think too much of it... just thought, hey, cool, a carnie has a thing for me and i kinda like him... but nowhere near to the extent of how i like this carnie... ugh!!!)
XXXOOO, have a good day!!! <3

Saturday, 5 May 2012

(starships are meant to fly. hands up and touch the sky. can't stop 'cause we're so high. let's do this one more time. ~NICKI MINAJ)

it's saturday. the carnival came earlier this week and opened thursday. i went thursday and friday. :) totally amazing. i know i'm 20, i know that i'm an adult, etc. but i love when the carnival is in town. some of the carnies from last year came back. well, there are a few from a few years ago that keep coming back. but what i meant was that i recognize some from last year because they all came to burger king last year. and i'm still at burger king, so some of them are familiar (and thankfully still with the carnival). they are all pretty much South African (kinda cool, though, if i do say so myself) and they are some of the sweetest people i know. well, not that i know, but that i interact with on a daily basis for the two weeks that they are in Rochester (may i add that the carnival is literally right in our parking lot... well the parking lot we share with the K-Mart in the strip mall behind us.). it's the carnival. it spices up the mundane, every day icky-ness of burger king. it's nice because it breaks the expected nasty-ness and hatefulness of other customers. and right now, i can't complain because we are getting so much more business because, like i said, it's right in our parking lot and customors of the carnival can walk to burger king in less than two minutes and the carnies basically live off of burger king while they work. not only that, but a lot of them recognize me from burger king, so when i do go, they say hello. and if i go alone, i won't feel so alone, because someone will stop and ask me how i'm doing. which isn't so bad, because they know who i am. well, know who i am from where i work. :)
anyways, i had to work two brutal shifts... thursday and friday i had to work at seven a.m. not the nicest shifts that i can work, but what i can say is that it's money and i can't complain too much for it. as long as i can be there and get paid for it, it's not too bad. especially with the new management (and hopefully someone on management will be leaving soon, thank goodness.). so, it'll be nice the sooner things can change. but i mean, i don't like it any more than i did three months ago. well, just a teeny bit, but only for the reason that it's not so stressing. plus, with being so busy right now, we don't have time to think of anything else BUT being busy. so, it's like, well, we have no choice but to work together as a team and do our shit.
anyways, i went to the carnival last with with Helene and Luke. we spent, like, four hours there. helene and i spent about twenty minutes talking to carnies. it was funny because they'd be talking some African language and we'd go and talk in French. and we'd make fun of each other while talking to each other. it was funny. well, i thought it was. but that's just me being ridiculous. whatever. right? hey, they got to see a side of me that wasn't the work side. Luke was hanging out with some friends, and had fun despite the fact that he didn't want to stay as long as we were there for. whatever, whatever. i loved it. i loved being there, i loved talking to the people i saw every day anyways, i loved just the whole carnival scene. it was like a party. party, party, party.
BUT, but but...
i have a work story. kind of funny, but whatever. there's this girl at work who is a lesbian. it's weird. i know she's a girl, i know she's not straight, whatever. and i was flirting with her, and yesterday she said a joke to me about me, and i was like "i don't like you at all." she said, "well, you don't flirt with people you like." i was thinking, like, whatever. i just have to back off. if something happens, it happens. and that's that.
anyways, wednesday night i ended it with steven for good. i couldn't still be with him when i didn't feel anything more that him being my friend. and he seemed to like me more that i liked him. and it wasn't fair for me to be with him still when it was so stilted. that's how i felt about it. plus, there were other people that i had more feelings for. which made it even more unfair for him. it wasn't right. not at all. i couldn't be with him and feel something more for someone else. it just wasn't nice. at all.
well, i have to go. mom wants me home and i need to go so i can be home on time.
have a wonderful day, and until next time. XXXOOO...