I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

(i'm standing up, i'mma face my demons. i'm mannin' up, i'mma hold my ground. i've had enough, i'm so fed up. it's time to put my life back together right now. ~EMINEM)

good night's sleep helped me feel better. :) and i found out earlier that hag from hell isn't working tonight, thank GOD. it's going to be a relatively easy night. i guess the hag realized that not many people like her and wanted the day off to cry about it. maybe not, but whatever. she needs to be gone.
my nose is stilll stuffy, but that's okay. not as bad as sneezing all the time.
it's saturday. i work. but honestly, it's money in my pocket. next week i'm working more because it's spring break. good. i guess.... more money in my pocket. i'm trying to get Easter off, or at least work an early shift so i can be home for Easter dinner. because i want to be home. i don't want to work 3-9 like i have been on Sundays.
anyways... i don't know what's going on... i mean, i do, but i feel disconnected from it. i don't know, it's weird.
so... he apologized for being an ass. i'm still not interested but if something happens, it happens. i'm not gonna wait around, though. i'm just going to live my life, and not worry about it. because the more you worry about it, the less of a chance something will happen.
i'm not in the mood for writing much today, i guess. which is weird, because normally i write a whole frigging chapter for a book, or something like that. i don't know... i'm just weird. i don't know. maybe it's girly things, maybe it's just that i'm in a funk. i just don't know.
i do know that my toes are cold. but that's off topic. :)
i'm exhausted already and i've been up for two hours (awake for two and a half). i went to bed at ten last night and got about nine hours of sleep, so i shouldn't be so tired. but i am. i guess it's because of my allergies and my body wants to shut down and heal itself. but i can't keep sleeping. i have to do stuff during the day - like work. because, if i don't, then i have no purpose in life. aside from being a sloth. i could be a sloth... i wouldn't mind if that was my sole purpose. but, then again, i kind of do mind. because that just isn't me.
i don't think i have much to write about anymore. just that i hope today is going to go by fast and be fun. because i can't stand it if it will be slow and boring. i just hope tonight won't be too bad when i work with the guy. i don't think it will be because he apologized for being an ass. so, i guess we're starting again (huh, sound familiar, doesn't it??? story of my life.... "nobody wins when everyone's losing, oh.. it's like one step forward and two steps back." sorry, random singing....). okie doke, i think i'm going to end this post before i randomly break out in song again (though it is fun to do when you have nothing better to do... )....
be creative and don't be afraid to pick yourself back up.

Friday, 30 March 2012

(the sun goes down, the stars come out. and all i count is here and now. my universe will never be the same. ~THE WANTED)

WELL... i saw Mirror Mirror this evening and it was totally awesome. i loved it. it was funny and cute. "you taste like strawberries. how do you do it?" (<---random quoting... obviously).
it's been a long day. i was at my grandma's house all morning. i went to give money to Helene. i went with my grandma to get her tax returns done. i went to drop off my dad's expenses. i went to the movies. i helped with dinner. i did a lot of stuff, so i guess it's suffice to say that i am exhausted. i'm just going to finish this post before i sign off.
anyways, my dad was home all week (ugh! way too much!!!) and we've (or, at least, i have) felt the stress spread in the house like a poisonous gas. i am happy he's gone for the week next week. but, for my mom, to have him home is awesome. 'specially since he won't be home for her birthday.
it was grey and rainy (and it hailed a few times today), and it was COLD (still is... colder now though...)!!!!!! i don't mind the rain, but when it's, like, ten degrees above freezing, it's terrible! it makes it so gross. plus, there wasn't any sun, so it didn't even look at least happy out. i can't wait until sunday when it's going to be in the sixties. the sixties!! mhmm, yus. that is going to be totally wonderful. wonderful...
i was going to say something, but for the life of me, i can't remember what it was. what was it? oh, well... it'll come back to me, it always does.
i took, like, twenty minutes (if not more) earlier on a site called firstcovers.com. it has covers (if you have the timeline thing on facebook, you know what it is. if you don't, it's kind of self-explanitory. it timelines everything that you've done, from most recent till the first day you joined - and includes the year you were born - on facebook. it's kind of cool, actually.) for my facebook page... er, timeline. right. that thing. and i found some pretty cool covers. at least, i thought they were cool.
it's close to ten o'clock and i'm falling asleep at the keys. like i said, i'm pretty beat. not only that, my nose is stuffy (i just sniffled and my dad gave me this look, like, what the fuck?). okay, really, how about you live with a continually stuffy and runny nose? my dad would have a fit if he did. but he doesn't get it. he can sniffle all he wants when he has a stuffy nose, but God forbid that anyone else does it in front of him. yeesh.
.... done ranting. even though it woke me up for just a second...
... and now i'm falling asleep again. whatever.
i hate this time of night when there isn't anything to do. you're transitioning from that time when you're awake and doing something to about ready for bed and during that transition, there isn't much of anything at all. you can't do anything because you are about ready to get up to go to bed, but you need to do something (i know, if i want to do something, i should just go to bed, since i'm so tired.). it's so annoying. it's like, well, i'm transitioning to the point of actually getting up to go to bed, but i'm not there yet. whatever. but i am doing something during that transition. i'm here... so i can't really hate it right now, can i? i guess not.
Helene is at her most recent ex's house (don't ask me why, she just is.), Luke (my brother) is probably up in his room, my dad is getting ready for bed. my mom is somewhere in the house, reading a book on her iPad. and i'm here, blogging. like i said. typing my life away.
my dog was sitting at my feet just a couple of minutes ago, keeping them warm. but she got up and walked away. dumb dog. she should know better than to walk away when she's keeping my feet warm. but there may have been something better in the house than me. that only makes sense.
okay, i have this list of movies that i've seen this year and movies that i still need to see. ones in theatres, that is... here it is (i'll write whether i've seen it or not and what i thought about it):
-The Lorax: seen it. really cute movie. though it wasn't on my original list of movies to see, it was worth going to see it.
-Mirror Mirror: not on my list either, but it was cute and funny. Julia Roberts was really good as the evil stepmother. i wouldn't mind seeing it again if the offer was given.
-The Hunger Games: YES! one of the two movies originally on my must see movies for this year. and it was epic. i want to see it again. i would totally see it again and again and again.
-Titanic 3D: i was supposed to see it Valentines Day, but i was waiting for Laura and ended up missing it... it was a pre-screening. but whatever. i'll see it after it comes out next week.
-The Woman in Black: i didn't think i wanted to see it, but it was good. scary, suspenseful. nearly wet myself a few times during the movie. but still. i liked it.
-21 Jump Street: only because Channing Tatum (Dear Johns actor, if you aren't familiar) is in it. i haven't seen it yet, but i heard it was good.
-The Vow: yep, i've seen it. mom wanted to see it and she dragged me along... it was cute and nice and i enjoyed it. totally a chick/couple flick. i wouldn't mind seeing it again.
-Breaking Dawn: Part II: only because i've read the books and seen the first four movies. i want to finish the series finally. i hope it'll be as good as the first ones, if not better (it won't come out until November, but I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!).
and that's that. all the movies that i've seen so far or that i want to see. there might be more as the year goes on, but right now, that is the most current list.
and i'm exhausted, so i am off to bed. i'm off to my date with my pillow.
be creative and be yourself.

(doesn't matter where you are. doesn't matter where you go. if it's a million miles away or just a mile up the road, take it in. take it with you when you go. ~BON JOVI)

^^ that song is awesome. (Who Says You Can't Go Home ~Bon Jovi <3)
okay, so my last day off this week. :-/ i am not really happy about having to work with the hag from hell this weekend. (well, only four of the twelve hours i work, but still. hag from hell.) it's only the neccessity of work. that, and i'm trying to find another job. it's not like it's the end of the world. i'm hoping to get out of there as soon as i get a new job. i mean, i might stay for another week or two after i get a new job so that i get my feet under me, but not much more after that.
so, anyways, i didn't have plans with my friend yesterday, but we're going to see Mirror Mirror today. that reminds me, i still have to look up movie times... anyways, it looks like a really good movie, and she wants to go see it. that way, we can hang out and chill at the same time! ha. haha.
anyways, here i am, friday morning, with nothing better to do than... blog. right. what is wrong with me? i'm 20 years old. shouldn't i have a social life (or at least, sleeping at this time of day?)? i mean, really. i should have something better to do with my time.
alrighty...done complaining about how i don't have a life.
and i'm going to go. Helene needs $$ for school and I need to get it in to her....
be creative, be awesome, and let's make the world a better place by being tolerent and loving.

:) make the world a better place

Thursday, 29 March 2012

(shot through the heart, and you're to blame. you give love a bad name. i played my part and you played your game. you give love a bad name. ~BON JOVI)

okie doke... fun fun fun. :)
i guess now that he's figured this out, the guy (okay, i realize i never mentioned his name, but his name isn't even worth mentioning. ass....) thinks i'm a total moron and that i play games. no, that's not how i roll. guys play games on me. whatever. but i told him i wasn't comfortable being with him and that i didn't want to be until i did feel comfortable. and i didn't really like him much, after i realized that i liked him just for the fact that he liked me. so he thought i was a total shitbag for showing interest. well, sorry, kid. if he doesn't realize that i'm not the person he thinks i am, then he isn't worth my time. i just think that it's total bull that he can't come to terms that i don't want that.
whatever. his loss, i guess. i'm not waiting around for him to come around.
anyhow.... i saw The Hunger Games yesterday with Laura and my sister, Helene. i won't give it away to the people who haven't read the book or seen the movie. but i cried, i laughed, my heart stopped, i got scared so bad i nearly pissed myself, and my heart raced. it was one of the very best movies i have ever seen. high emotions (which is totally key and really evident in the book, too) aside, i think it's still a great movie. i would watch it over and over and over again. i think that i'd give it 5 stars. that amazing. :-) :-)
today is pretty grey and cold. i'm thinking about going to lunch with a friend of mine whom i haven't seen in... years. well, i saw her once last year for about five minutes, but i don't think that counts as actually hanging out with her. i know. but yeah. i mean, it'd be nice to sit down and catch up and hang out. it's been so long that we had had the chance to do that. so, i guess that it'd be well deserved, whether or not we have the money for it.
but whatever. life is what it is. what happens happens for a reason and we can't explain it any better than that. just make life what you want it to be and you'll be happy.
i hope so, anyways.
okay, i think i am done for now. not a long post, but i don't have much else to say.
be creative, be who you want to be and most of all, be HAPPY!

(a thousand times before, i've wondered if there's something more, something more [...] fall down. wash away my yesterdays. ~CREED)

(supposed to be posted yesterday...)
it's safe it say that rain is a good thing. it helps to wah away the bad... i think, anyways. the good always stays. everything we go through is distorted by how we remember them, by our perspectives, by our ethics. all of that. and i so hope that there is something more... and hope that the rain washes away all my yesterdays. the bad ones, at least. because i don't like bad things. i'd rather look forward to a positive future that look back on a bad past. but that is just me.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

(i miss it now. i can't believe it. so hard to stay, too hard to leave it. if i could relive those days, i know the one thing that would never change. ~nickelback)

i look at today's kids and wonder if they will have the same kind of memories i had when i was a kid. in the middle of the summer when i was little, all that mattered was that i could run around and have as much fun as i could handle. today's kids... they're different. they have all these gadgets that keep them indoors and they can't see the beauty of having easy, simple days that pass with ease. no, they stay inside and play these violent games. things have changed so much... at least, that's what i was thinking when i listened to the song that is today's title (for those of you who want to listen to the song, it's called Photograph. it's by Nickelback.).
then again, though, kids born from 2000 on don't know anything different. it's all they know and a lot of parents don't try hard enough to keep the kids outdoors. as long as their kids are appeased, then it's okay. what's wrong with going outside now? i have no idea.
anyways, done with the comparisons from 10-12 years ago and now. just giving my point of view with this and i'm done, moving on...
... and on...
... and on...
okay. done moving on. anyhow, last night was fun. we had a couple friends over. helene's ex and friend, chitundu (i don't know why they aren't back together. granted, they dated when he and i were in high school, but it's so obvious that he wants her again and she's comfortable enough with him.), and laura (yup, we're friends again... drama's good and over now.) and her boyfriend, terell, came over. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. we had pizza and chilled and talked. it was nice and easy, like how being with friends should be. pretty chilled and relaxed, without the sense of time passing.
a present version of the past. the easiness of being friends.
okay. okay, okay, okay....
i don't know if today's post is going to have a lot of content in it (wow, surprise...). i don't think i have a lot to say.
okay, so, last night, while i was hanging out with people, the guy who likes me texted me. well, first, he called my five minutes after his shift started (i texted him later, saying "wat". he wanted to know if i could cover my shift - mind you, this was like 45 minutes into his shift - and by that time, it was too late for me to care and i wouldn't've done it anyways, and he was already working). then, later on, he texted me, asking how my night was going. i said "why does it matter?" and he replied with something along the lines of "i was just wondering...". i don't know. i told him that i was busy and i'd text him later. he asked if i was mad at him, and i had said that i was distracted. this morning, he said "good morning." i have yet to respond, but i don't think i will. i want to discourage him from liking me. i know it's mean and kind of b*tchy but... what else can i do?
i feel like the more i text him, the more it's going to be an invite for him to try to get at me. i don't want that. i want him to back the heck off. like i said, i'm not into the mushy type. but... whatever. he'll live. i think that if i just keep it to the whole work relationship, he'll get it. but... i don't know because ... i just don't know. i'm not there yet.
today is wednesday. mmm.... i don't know what's going to happen today. it's a new day and i can do what i want with it.
i am spending too much time on social media sites (aka, just facebook). i think that i should delete my account for a week and see how i do with just my phone. i don't think i would do too bad, but i might go crazy. just a bit. because i have friends on facebook that i don't have saved on my phone. yep, i am so SMRT.
... right.
there isn't much goings-on today. i kind of want to go to the movies. but right now, i have nobody to go with. i'd rather go with someone and share the memories than go by myself and give the memories to someone second-hand. i'm just weird that way. if i do go to the movies today, i'll go see The Hunger Games. like i said before, must see movie. and if i can see it with friends, all the better, right?
like yesterday, i'm sporadically looking for a job. which is still better than i could say for two weeks ago. but i could do better than just sporadically. i just need to set aside an hour (maybe) a day to look for a job somewhere. maybe, that way, i could find a job. but i'm not one to sit behind a desk for hours (though, i do spend at least a half hour writing here. why is it that i can do that, but not for a job??? oh... i'm writing. right.).
like i said, i don't know if i could commit to being behind a desk for hours on end. it's just something that i can't do.
i know what i don't want and that's a start, i guess. i know a couple things that i do want. i want to interact with people. i want to be able to move around. it's just something that seems more familiar to me, the whole people thing and the moving around. i've been at the job i am at now (uh, burger king... ugh) long enough to the point where being still at work is very rarely an option anymore. though i'd rather be at home than be at work...
anyhow... i feel like it's going to be a long day. i hope not. because i would rather the days go by fast than slow. even though it feels like life is moving by faster, it makes it seem like there is no way to go but forward. and that's the direction i want to go. i don't want to think about the past. though i like the here and now, i do sometimes wonder about the future and whether i'll be happy in five years from now, in ten or twenty years. it's something cool to think about and imagine when you have nothing better to do. because the future is something you can create, whereas the past is something that can't be undone. sad, but true. i guess it's the whole i wish i were little again thing that was going on at the beginning of the post. whatever.
okie doke, i won't put any more spam on your computer. i've written enough for now (right, for now...) and i really need to get up and move. i've been sitting down too long.
be creative.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

(tell my mother, tell my father i've done the best i can to make them realize this is my life. ~shinedown)

okay... well. there's a lot. just fair warning (although, 98% of my posts have a lot of content in then, so really... no surprise, right?) so, last night my parents decided to... well... i wouldn't say accost. but they fell on me with what they thought would be a good conversation about my long term goals. okay, well, understandable, right? i'm twenty years old, not in school (right now...) and i am not doing much aside from working at burger king (ahem.... aka, drama king). despite the fact that i complain about needing to get out of that place, i honestly think that it's better than no job (but any job is better than that). but my mom was all "i'm not talking about your short-term goals, i'm talking more long-term." well, okay, i want to say a good deal of people my age don't neccessarily have goals more long term that finishing school or trying to get into a new job.
and last night, my dad was asking me questions like "how is your social life?" and "who do you talk to?" and "what about your family?" okay, really, dad? why do you care about my social life and who my friends are? he hardly asks me questions like that to begin with. i don't get what that had to do with anything about long term goals, and why it mattered to him so much. it doesn't matter to him any other time. so, why ask, all of a sudden? it's no surprise that i don't talk to many people, because i close myself off when i'm not comfortable or can't trust someone. it's just how i am. so, again, i ask, why does it matter?
my problem with this is that i haven't set long term goals. i haven't decided exactly what my path is in life, so it's that much harder to set long-term goals. my number one priority right now is to get out of drama king and finish my book. when i'm done with those, then we'll see. because i can't really see past that. i'm going back and forth between blogging here and looking online for a job (which is kind of distractedly looking for a job, but it's better than me not looking at all.). i'm not staying at burger king all my life, nor am i going to live with my parents looking over my shoulder every other minute of the day.
they were all over my case about how i needed to start having these long term goals and how i need to be more responsible about going about that. okay, i don't neccessarily know what i want to do when i grow up. and i'm never going to find out if they don't let me get jobs that will help me figure that out. and if they have a fit about where i work or how i figure this stuff out, then why try to please them? why not make myself happy? i have no idea. but this is too much sh*t to handle, it seems like.
and then this morning, i had all my stuff ready in my bag by the front door to go to the gym and come to my grandma's house. and guess what my dad was doing? breathing down my back, asking me "charlotte, what are you doing?" "what are you doing, charlotte?" "check your email to see if you have any emails from places that you sent emails to." okay, by this point, i was ready to leave, aside from the fact that i hadn't had breakfast yet (which, by the way, i had said out loud, but my dad decided to ignore me and tell me exactly what i had to do.). i almost hit him in the face and asked him, "what the f*ck are you doing right now, aside from breathing down my back?" because that was all he was doing.
all i need is for my parents to realize that what they want for me may not be what is best for me (well, in my mind. but hey... they're parents. they don't realize that i'm different from them, mind, body and soul.). it seems like they don't see that about me. i mean, really. i'm the creative, slightly artsy (still stretching that just a tad) type. i shut myself down when i feel threatened or if i don't neccessarily agree with what's going on, or if my parents decide they can get into my life. really? show me some respect. i don't go up to them and get all up in their business about everything. i don't ask them "what are you doing right now?" i don't go up to them and say, "what are your life long goals? and you need to tell me this right now." no, not at all. i give them that respect and that courtesy. i just find it aggrivating that they can get all up in my sh*t but i won't do that to them.
i guess i just feel like they're so... overbearing in what i do. they say that it's because they care and that they love me, but sometimes it seems it's because i'm not just like how they are. i'm not the kind of people that they are. they claim they love me, but i feel like they just want to be overbearing parents that want me to turn out like them. i'm sorry, i don't think i want to be just like my mom or just like my dad. because neither of them are the kind of person i want to be.
i almost want to tell them, "grow up. i'm never going to be like you and i don't know why you can't accept that." almost. but it's getting to the point where i'd rather just take what i have and up and leave, because i feel like i'm being pushed to do things i don't want to do or that isn't right for me. i don't know if they understand that.
i don't really care anymore. i'm doing what i'm doing and i don't really care if my parents think it's right for me. i'm doing what I think is best for me and that's what should matter in the end. it's just so frusterating that they think they can control certain aspects of my life.
i'm having a hard time understanding why all of this is so obscenely important to them. well, i do. but not a lot.
whatever. i just think it's stupidly ridiculous that all they care about for me is what my long term goals are, and not just what is good for me.
... i'm just really frusterated and i needed a place to let out that frusteration. and here it is. ugh.
i guess i just need to figure out a plan on moving out. maybe that way my parents will see that it isn't about just what they want. it's also about what i want and what's right for me. i can't handle the added stress of them piling this whole me needing "long term goals" and what i'm "going to do with" my "life."
but here's the deal. i don't know what i want to do when i grow up. i mean, i want to do something with my writing, but that might not be stable enough for me. but other than that, i honestly have no idea what i want to do, and my parents stressing out about it isn't helping me help myself. i won't know what i want to do if they don't let me figure that out.
okay, okay... i guess i'm done venting. for now. (knock on wood)
anyways, i'm still trying to make plans to go see a movie. well, not just any movie. The Hunger Games. 'nuff said. i've been wanting to see it. real bad. because the trailers are awesome. my sister said the movie was good. i just want to see it for myself. because ... well, duh.
i don't know if there is anything else to say. OH... hold that thought.
i've sent a text or two saying hey to the guy i've been talking about (the one that i needed space from. whatever...), but he's been ignoring me. i guess it's for a good reason. i was the one who said that i needed space. so, why can't i stop texting him? i don't know. i'm just a dummy and keep texting anyone who might text me back. so, i guess i should not be a bitch and do follow what i say i need. i just gotta stop texting him. put some space and distance between me and him. exactly what i need.
okay, i'm done with this post.
be creative and be true to yourself.

Monday, 26 March 2012

(we are young. so let's set the world on fire. we can glow brighter than the sun. ~fun)

i'm only twenty years old once. i have to make the mos of it. right? after all, we only have one chance to get the life we want. i guess i'm being overly philisophical (SP??? i don't spell that often...). i guess there's a reason. i was thinking about this guy today (yep, the guy i keep talking about), and i realized. i'm not into the dating scene. at least, not right now. i mean, i keep complaining about how i'm single and how much i want to be in a relationship. but i guess the way i feel is quite the opposite. which is kind of weird. i don't know. i guess i'm out of rhythm or out of practice. i just don't want to really be on the dating scene. as much as it would be nice, i don't want to commit yet, no matter how short or long-term it will be. i'm just starting my life. i mean, i don't think commiting to someone is the right thing for me right now. and honestly, i'm just not ready. i guess i realized that on friday. well, i realized that today about friday. and i don't know how i'm going to tell this guy. i mean, he has his life and what he's doing and i don't want to get in the way of that, either. i don't want to sound selfish or mean or nasty or whatever (a lot of ors but totally worth it. just keep reading). i'm just trying to do what's best for me. because i haven't done enough of that recently, between not making time to go to the gym and not having enough hours at work and writing my book (or lack thereof.). i'm looking out for myself and if he can't see that, then he isn't worth my time as a friend or girlfriend, or whatever he's looking for with me.
i kind of feel like sh*t because of what i have to tell him, but in the long run, it'll be worth it for me. i guess i didn't see that two weeks ago. whatever. i just know what i have to do. and that's fine by me. i know what i want and what i need. i can't have too many distractions at the moment. and a guy is one distraction too many, whether i like him or not (or vice versa).
i guess this is the end to the drama, too, because if there isn't anything there anymore, then there can't be anymore drama. which is a good thing. another weight off my chest (although this one isn't particularly my fault, thank God.).
okay, onto lighter topics. i think. i'm not too sure of how light these next things will be, but it's better than looking at the aforementioned one.
anyways, i had a kick ass lunch, thanks to my mama. we had grilled cheese and salad. it was pretty awesome, if i do say so myself (i just did!). well, after i waited about an hour for an oil change and tire rotation at the Chrysler/Jeep dealership. but i did get some reading in, so i can't complain too much. then i went to Kmart and CVS to help my grandma look for some stuff (turns out what she needed was at CVS... whatever.). and so, now, i'm sittng here and blogging (again...). aside from some writing, i don't have much to do. i have to go to the gym tonight, but really... it isn't too much to do. it'll be good for me.
and tomorrow, i get to come back to my grandma's house and be with her for a few hours. and maybe blog again. because that's what i do.
i don't have much planned for the week, except for some writing. i work saturday and sunday, so that beats the rhythm of coming to my grandma's house and going home to write. there are positives and negatives to having to work. i mean, the biggest thing(s) is that i'm working and getting paid. but with all the drama and bullshit, i'm surprised i haven't left yet.
anyways, i'm trying to go to see the Hunger Games this week. i know, wasting money that i don't have. but i think it's a must see. i've read the first two books all the way through (haven't quite finished the third one), and i really liked them. i just hope the movie is as good as the book. if not, i'll be disappointed. i don't think i will be, though. the trailers looked really good.
my grandma is ironing while i'm typing away on the computer. it's nice because i know she's doing something productive with her time and she sees that i'm doing something rather than nothing. so, in a way, it's a win-win situation. which can't be too bad, i guess.
anyways. i don't know if there is much else for me to say. i'm just blathering on and on about stuff that people don't really want to hear (read). but it's theraputic and i can't say that this hasn't helped me at all. it has. (i've already discussed how this has helped me in previous posts.)
anyhow, i'm on facebook (right, as i blog. i do need some inspiration now and then, though.) and sometimes it frusterates me how much groups or whatever post stuff. it's like every other thing i see is this group posted this, that group shared a link, this group is promoting this other group.... just shut up. i mean, i get that they're trying to promote other groups, but they don't have to post 300 things in two minutes or less. it's ridiculous. i know i'm a facebook whore, but it's not like i go around and update my status three million times in the span of a half hour. i just have facebook open so that if someone is on and they want to talk to me, there's a way to do so without having to text me.
i'm not being rude, i'm not trying to be nasty, i'm just telling it how it is (though it does irritate me, and i wish that some people would just get the point....).
i'm reading a new book (i don't know if it's new... i doubt it, but for me, it's a book that i've never read) called The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks, one of my favorite authors. i'm only about halfway through it, but i think it's a really good book. granted, i've read like three or four books (the Last Song, The Rescue, Dear John, and currently, The Lucky One... so four in total), but i can say that he is way up there on my list. i guess i need to get me more of his books. i don't know. i'm just a fan of romance. that's just who i am. he has some pretty good stuff. but that's just my opinion. don't take it from me. pick up one of these good books (or any Nicholas Sparks' book) and find out for yourself. well, you don't have to. i'm just suggesting.
well, i guess that's pretty much it (or i'm pretty much distracted by facebook by this point.). i do also have a life outside the screen, thank goodness. lol. otherwise i wouldn't be blogging about the whimicals and goings-on of my life. it would just be bland here.
okay, i'm signing off.
be creative, be yourself and don't forget - do what's right for you. <3

(we only got 86,400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or throw it all away. we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say. gotta live like we're dying. ~KRIS ALLEN)

^^i love this song. it's such a good one. :)
anyhow, it's monday. i get to go the the Secretary of State today to get a new liscence (I seemed to have misplaced mine somehow and can't find it....). it will take awhile because it's monday morning and everyone seems to have nothing better to do on a monday morning than sit at the Secretary of State. ... rant over.
so, i guess this week will be a week of ... exploration? i don't know if that's the word i am looking for, but let's find out, shall we? like i said yesterday, i'm starting to talk to this girl again. i hope that since we do have a better understanding of each other (no, it's not what you think.), i think it should be a little easier for us to start over. and this guy who likes me... he wants to go bowling or something this week. i don't really want to go alone because i don't want a replay of what happened friday. so, what i did was i invited (well, included) another friend of mine and her boyfriend to come with us. i don't know if that will insinuate anything, but, at least, if i need someone to intervene, then i'll have that person (thank God).
this morning was a bit colder than what we've been getting, but it's the kind of weather i'm used to for this time of year. i don't think it should be too bad, though.
i am spending too much time on facebook, getting distracted by stories. then again, i'm spending too much of my time blogging. huh. i guess it evens out a little bit, then, doesn't it? fun fun.
since today is monday, i have all week to get some work done on my book, to veg out and to spend some time to hopefully get better. because this whole feeling like my face is 2x the size it's supposed to is not working well for me. i don't like it very much. but i can get away from it a bit by writing. i like that idea. :) there aren't very many ideas that i have that i really like, let alone like at all. so that's a new one.
it's a whole new day and i hope i can make it worthwhile somehow. i do need a worthwhile day now and again, because i feel like i don't get enough of those. so, every day that is worthwhile is a gift, i feel like.
wow, today's post is all over the board. i guess it makes this more interesting. what's life without the spice of creativity to make it interesting? right.
yesterday, i went to see Dr. Seuss' the Lorax for the second time. it was just as cute and funny as it was the first time. i love that movie. i'm just saying. even my mom enjoyed the movie. i guess i would suggest it to anyone. i liked it that much. :) next movie to see will be the Hunger Games. i was supposed to see the midnight premier, but i wasn't feeling well enough to go. the other movie that i want to see that comes out this year is Breaking Dawn Pt. II. that's going to be awesome. this year in movies is totally awesome.
i couldn't wait for this year to come, just for the movies. lol.
okay, well i guess i'm going to sign off.
be creative, don't forget that any second could be your last. live that way.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

(baby, you're a firework. ~Katy Perry)

i'm feeling good today. which really is surprising. that friend that i had drama with? well, we finally started talking again and sorted our sh*t out. i guess now we're starting from scratch, starting from square one. which is a good place to start, because at least now, we've got a better understanding of each other. so, maybe this time something will go right. (knock on wood, right?) plus, i don't work today, which is unusual. i gave my hours to someone else today because she was complaining about her hours getting cut.
it's supposed to get cooler next week (yes, i've already explained this. today is the last day of the week. don't knock it.). UGH. i'm not a fan of cold weather, especially with my allergies being in such a funk. but i'll deal with it when it comes.
anyways, last night was horrible. there was so much stress that i almost puked on myself. so much stress and drama. that hag got me all stressed out for something that i thought i had done right. but, according to hag from h*ll, i didn't do it right, because i'm "not a manager." well, okay, how about you step in my shoes and try to figure out how to deal with that kind of shit through my eyes, hmm?
i don't know. i was always just about ready to walk out last night. it took everything i had (which, granted, wasn't much to begin with) to stay there and keep my damn job. but i guess what i had was just enough to get me through the night because i still have my job. take that, hag!
right now, i'm just killing time before i go to church. my grandmother is getting ready. i'm already ready. i'm just sitting around, waiting for her to tell me that we can go. but right now, i think that it's a good thing that i have some time on my hands. i think that now i've sorted out one part of my life, i can move onto another part.
like aforemention guy. i don't know what to do about that. friday night we hung out and ... it got kind of mushy (not going into detail, because i'm not that kind of person). and he gave me this look that i know i've seen before on at least on other boy. it was that look. i got uncomfortable and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. that was what made me tell him i needed to give myself some room. because i don't think i could take it. i don't know if that makes any sense, but to me, that makes every kind of sense. i don't want to be looked at like that. i don't want to feel uncomfortable. if the guy that i like makes me comfortable by just being with me and being the guy that i fell for, then that's all i need.
okay, i'm just babbling about something that i should be able to figure out myself. but whatever. i feel like between now and saturday, i should be okay. because i don't work with him today and i've got until saturday to figure this sh*t out. i hope i can, at least.
anyways, i hope that this week isn't too stressful. my dad thinks he's staying home this week (uh, stressful in and of itself) and i don't know if that will be a big stresser or not. he's been gone every week but weekends for the past 5 or 6 weeks at least. so i guess having him home for just one week can't be too bad. i hope.
i have no plans today except for going to church. maybe i can write. or try to find someone to make plans with. i don't know. but today is either going to go by idyllic or stressfully. i'd rather have the former over the latter.
honestly. i think today will be the least stressful since friday. which is okay with me. because i could do without stress and drama for a day. thank you.
and once again, i've written another chapter in this journey i call life. i think it's because writing stuff out helps me figure stuff out in my head. i can see it written down, in words, somewhere and i know that somehow it will make something in my head click and it will fall into place. and to write about it here, on a blog, where other people can read and leave comments with advice or whatever (i don't know if there are any comments, i guess i have to look, right?). it makes life a little easier, i guess. because this way, i can see what's wrong and figure out how to work it out by writing about it.
okay, i'm officially signign off now.
be creative, be fun, and don't forget that where there's a problem, there's a solution.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

(it's not the human walk, it's the human race. if you're living on the edge, you're taking too much space. ~~Nickelback)

^^ exactly what the title says, homies!!!
anyhow, i know it's rare that i post two days in a row, and today's the first time i've blogged twice in one day (i don't think you'll EVER catch me doing that again... EVER.). but i guess i felt the need to. because today seemed to have gone on for ... years.
i worked with hag from h*ll tonight (not fun, by the way. do you know how hard it is to work with a hag???)... and that guy from my last two posts. i did my best to not interact with him, and pretty much did just fine. it wasn't until the end of the night that i said anything to him. i went back to get milkshakes after getting my brother and i made our shakes [because hag from h*ll was "too busy" (too lazy) to make them for us.]. and he was in the back, working like the good crew he was. and he waved. just to be nice, i waved back. but, like i said, i'm keeping my space because i don't want to get hurt or anything of the like. that ain't my style.
anyways, i think that tomorrow is going to be better. going to get a lot of r&r because of my d*mn allergies and (hopefully) start feeling better on monday. because i'll need all the energy i can get. it took everything that i had (which, now that i consider it, isn't a lot because of 1) the dang drama and 2) my face has been brutally raped by allergies) to not quit tonight because of the hag.
anyways, apparently my dad got pissed because my room wasn't clean (okay, i had stuff on the floor, but that's something i could pick up in less than five minutes). okay, well, i'm 20 years old and the last thing on my mind is cleaning my room (yes, because of all the other frigging drama in my life.). i don't think about it. i feel like there's always something else on my mind and cleaning my room isn't neccessarily the first thing that comes to my mind on a saturday night after work. all i want to do (especially right now) is veg and NOT do anything whatsoever (though, i had all week to keep it clean and didn't.... oops.).
anyways, i'm falling asleep at the keys and i don't think i can stay up that much longer. i'm going to finish off here and change and fall into bed. because today isn't my day, i'm going to ... i don't know what i'm going to do, but totally getting a good night's sleep is high on my priority list, thanks for asking. and really, now it feels like i'm just spewing crap onto your computer screen (crap, scam, what's the difference, really?).
be creative, be fun, be wonderful, stay on the right path. don't take too much space because you'r living on the edge. "it's not the human walk, it's the human race."

(i may not know it, but these are the moments that i'm gonna remember most. i just gotta keep going. ~miley cyrus)

will i look back and regret what i did? i don't think so, because i know that this is what i need. right? i hope so...
i took my own advice from yesterday's post and seperated myself. i need the time to take a good look at what's going on, on what's going to happen. and, honestly, i think it's a good thing. i have my life ahead of me, i have my dreams and hopes to put to life. i don't want that kind of distraction right now. it's nice, but right now? i don't think i can handle that extra stuff at the moment.
it's the right thing... right? that's what i thought.
i want to get out of my current job, i want to do something i love with what i love to do (if it's not obvious, then you should be able to figure that out for yourself. i mean, come on... each post is like a whole new chapter in my life!). i want to be someone that i can say i'm proud of. i don't care what other people think of me. because what they think doesn't matter.
frankly, i just think an extra relationship that causes drama somewhere just isn't worth it. i'm not a fan of drama, but i will start sh*t if i need to. because that's just the way i am. and i don't think i'm ready to put myself out there. i don't want to lay out my emotions for some guy (or anyone, for that matter) and get hurt. i'm not going to lie, i've got some great friends, and this guy seems like a great guy. but i'm just not ready to be close with someone i just met. there are some things (some people...) that i'm not willing to trust. but my instincts and intuition (same thing, or two different things, btw???) are telling me to not get too close. and that's what i'm doing.
i can hope, at least...
anyhow, i hope i don't sound mean or selfish (selfish has fish in it... is there really a fish that's selfish??? random tidbits of the day...) or anything, but all of this has been running through my mind since i talked to him last night about how i couldn't involve myself. well, no... not neccessarily involving myself, but getting into something i'm not willing to get into. there we go...
i'm hoping that today at work won't be a nightmare, or something of the like. it's like nobody there has anything to do but to talk about other people and cause drama. i think we should start calling ourselves the Drama Kings &Queens. nobody will want to come get food from us, which will lead us to not have jobs anymore. but this way, i can get away from drama hos and be done with all that stuff. i just want to go up to them and say "don't you have something better to do with your time that talk about other people and what they do with their own lives?" i mean, really.
it's saturday, it's sad and grey looking outside. i'm surprised it hasn't started to downpour yet. or thunderstorm. but something like that is bound to happen later today. not that i mind, because i love rain and thunder and lightning. totally my element.
i've decided that i'm going to make most of what i have and live the life i'm supposed to. i don't want to have regrets because that's not my style. and this whole situation with this guy is part of that. beside the point (who coined that up, anyway?). i'm done with this bullsh*t and this drama. the sooner i can move on in my life, the better. right?
spending time with friends and doing what i love to do are important on my list. because writing and being with friends help keep me grounded. and hopefully something will come of it.
a girl can only dream, right?
right now, my hope is that i can stop thinking about the destination, but enjoy the journey. because you can't enjoy the destination if you don't enjoy the journey. there might be some things you don't like about the journey, some sort of mishap or uphill or bump or wrinkle in the journey, but that's what makes each of us unique... how we deal with what we go through. and honestly? i don't want to be remembered as that person who let life go, or that girl who didn't do anything. i want to sort through my problems, i want to turn out to be someone stronger, i want to be a better person because of the journey my life is taking me on. that is what i hope for everyone else out there, reading this. it's not all about who you want to be or who you are turning out to be, although that is part of the journey - figuring out who you are. it's about what you do during the journey, and how much you learn about yourself that makes you be that person at the destination.
be creative, be couragous and don't let those uphill struggles get you down. pick yourself up and don't look back.

Friday, 23 March 2012

(take a piece of my heart ~Garou)

^^okie dokie, well the title of today's is by a Canadian sing. a very good looking one (sigh).
anyways... today is friday. as it turns out.... i don't think anyone is coming tonight. darn. oh, well... my sister is working, my mom and brother are gonna go to the movies in about two hours. and while i wait for the people who said they'd show up to show up, i'll write away the time. because, right now, i don't know if there is anything better to do. well, okay, maybe look for a job. but right now, it's grey and depressing out and i am low on energy.
while the drama from one aspect in my life seems to have gone down, drama in another seems to be growing like wildfire during dry season. rumors about about this guy and me "dating" seem to have spread around at work. and it's totally wonderful because we work together. i mean, i get the fact that we're kind of - okay, really - flirty with each other. but that doesn't mean we're together. and if they keep themselves out of other people's damn business, this kind of stuff wouldn't happen. keep the drama for your mama!
but this guy at work... totally not my type, totally off limits. but i mean, he's real nice. a downright gentleman compared to all the other idiots i've ever dated. whatever. i don't know if i want to get too close. i've been hurt enough by people who don't give enough of a sh*t about me, and i'm to that point - or was, anyway - when this guy walked into my life. already, i think i'm too close. i mean, i've put up this wall, closed myself off... especially recently. but... i think i need to be a bit more grounded, and if this is the way to do that, then why not, right? but, like i said, he's off limits. he's still in a relationship with someone else, no matter how committed or uncommited he is to this other person. i need to take a step back and take a good look at this because i feel like... i don't know what i feel like and i need to be able to. i need to keep my head clear and stay focused on what i'm doing now. not get side-tracked by some guy, no matter how sweet, nice, or whatever he is.
i think i need a good reality check, because i feel like my life has been thrown upside down as of late. and i don't know if i need a patented good friend check by a one of my two good friends or a patented mommy check.
whatever. i'll do what i do best... write. see if something comes up. see if there is some sort of ... solution, i guess, to whatever it is that i'm going through. until then... i have no idea. just ignore the rumors, ignore the drama and stay focused on myself. because that will help keep my head in the game. otherwise...
lol. well, i guess i've written, like, a whole book and i better sign off. i will, in a minute here, if i can stop writing for just a moment.
i just hope that everything will turn out for the best. whatever happens, happens for a reason. or so they say. i guess i just don't know the reasons for everything going on in my life right now, but hopefully it will work out in my favor. hopefully, soon i'll be past all this and on with my life.
be creative, be beautiful and keep doing what you love best.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

(i don't wanna wait. i just wanna know. i just wanna hear you tell me so. ~~ROB THOMAS)

it's wednesday... two days till the weekend starts, three days till my next shift. two days until my get-together.
this week's awesome. i got called into work last night at eleven o'clock and stayed until a little after two. got me about four extra hours on my next paycheck, which is nice. four more hours of money that i can't complain about. friday is going to be fun. i'm having a monthly get together and people who weren't here last month are going to be here. people i haven't seen in a long time are coming (i hope).
work isn't so insane anymore.... but there is a reason for that. there is someone i am working with who is totally awesome. different that the other people i've been working with. definately someone who helps ease the boredom and the drama-filled norm of Burger King. now, it isn't so mundane. well, we'll see what happens, because i know this might not last very long.
anyways, it's a beautiful day, with the tempurature being in the low eighties, the sun high in the sky, and clear blue skies. great day to be out and about. :D i just love days like today because it means that life seems to drift by a little slower, it doesn't seem as stressful (bull), and nothing can go wrong (bull). but it also is a little bit deceitful because the past three weeks for me have been full of drama.
i hear sunday it's supposed to cool down a bit. it should be in the upper fifties... still warm for this time of year, but i can't complain. this march has been the warmest i can remember.
anyways... i work saturday and it's going to be hell, because i'll be working with management that doesnt like me much. the one good thing about saturday is that i am working with aforementioned person, so we can suffer together and maybe we'll be okay.
anyways, i am going to go and enjoy today's weather while it lasts (it should for the rest of the day, but i don't wanna be on the computer all afternoon).
b.e.c.r.e.a.t.i.v.e. and enjoy life. don't let a moment pass you by.


Saturday, 17 March 2012

(i wanna push you around ~matchbox 20)

it's been a long couple of days. i had pink eye (yuck yuck YUCK!!!!!) and i've been running around for everyone else but myself. fun shit. and i went out last night with a couple of friends. i had fun. we walked around downtown and had dinner at subway and went to Meijer's. i got some stuff to help with my eye infection and they got stuff for st. patrick's day. fun fun.
anyhow, the drama continues, it seems. my ex-friend got herself in the middle of a fight that my sister and i were having (since i mentioned it, i should probably have said it wasn't her place to be getting into anything). she was over and they were going to a dance (wow, my sister chose her over me), and they went to go see my mom at work so they could show her what they were wearing when i dropped off my mom's car, so that she could have a way home. so, that was the reason why i wanted to go out last night. i'm not an ass, i'm not offended, i just need my space. and if she thinks she can encroach by hanging out with my sister and fighting with me, etc., then i don't know why she's trying. i'm done with her bull.
if she thinks she can still push me around and bitch at me for shit, then she's got her head in the clouds. really...
anyways, done and over with that. i'm gonna put that in the past where it's supposed to be.
work all weekend. then the whole week off. i'm trying to have another get together on friday (yesterday was a flop). i hope it's going to be fun. i mean, when i had it last month it was pretty fun. so, i'm hoping that pretty much the same people will be over and chilling and making another memorable night.
my dad is out of town all week, my mom is generally a laid back person about a handful of things. this coming week will be relatively easy-peasy. i'll be working on my book, i'll be hanging with friends, i'll be doing my own thing. i really hope that this coming week will be better than the past month, because i am really getting sick of all that's been going on recently. well, it's only been as good or bad as i've made it (with the help of other people). but this next week will (hopefully) be so much better. i will make it better, better than the past month.
the one cloud that might dampen the next week will probably be... pretty much nothing. i mean, unless my ex-friend wants to fuck something up again. but i won't let her. this is my life and if someone has something against it, they can flake off.
i'm ranting and i really don't want to.
okay, done ranting.
i am feeling real good about today and tomorrow, despite the fact that i have to work, despite that today and tomorrow, we have free fries. lately, saturdays and sundays have become the bane of my existance. i've been working with really good crew and awesome managers. lately, i've been enjoying going to work. something that is entirely new, because usually i hate going to work. but, sometimes, things change. i need to leave fast food, but for right now, it's not so bad.

okay, y'all....
keep being amazing.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

(look at me, i'm sparkling. a firework, a dancing flame. you'll never put me out again, i'm glowing ~katy perry)

okay, so... drama much. are you ready for this?
today i find out that people know something they shouldn't know. evidently, my sister knew and told my family (my little brother told me). it came from the girl who used ot be my best friend. because she was the only one who knew anything about anything that i found out that people knew something that they weren't supposed to. so, when i confronted her about it, she straight up lied to me.
this stuff really makes you think. it really makes you realize who your real friends are.
but just because there is still drama that there shouldn't be from her... just because she is still in my life in ways i don't want her to be... there will always be a part of me that she will never have. she won't take down my pride, she won't have my love, she won't see this new me. she'll "never put me out again" because "i'm glowing."
i have finally come to realize how people could care less about others, about shit and drama. i have become one of those people. i am totally okay with being by myself. i don't need other people to make me who i am. i make myself who i am. i don't know why it took me so long to realize that. but i guess i just needed a life lesson or something to finally make me see something i didn't before.
i'm just sick and tired of the bullshit that should have been over long before now.
"this is the part of me that you will never, ever take away from me." ~katy perry


Wednesday, 14 March 2012

(everyone here knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else[..]i'm lonely now)

here i am, wednesday morning... it's going to be a beautiful day. normally, i'd have someone to share a good day with. normally. but a friend of mine of like four years and i aren't friends anymore. and i'd be out with her, on a good day. since our friendship ended... not so much.
not gonna lie, though, my life seems better without her. i've washed my hands clean of her. and frankly, i have friends who are better than she was for the last couple months of our friendship. so, really, i didn't really lose anything. nothing at all.
i am a bit different now that i was. more closed off, more ... i wouldn't say standoff-ish, nor would i say a snob. i'm just more distant. i'm more bitter at home, more ready for a fight.
but that's a different story. home... i'm ready for a fight because i feel like i have to live the life of someone i'm not and it's not fair. i am who i am and i don't want someone to change it. especially my parents. i don't want to change for people who should love me for who i am, for people who should support me for whatever i decide to do, for people who shouldn't want to change me.
i know i sound spoiled, i know i sound like a brat. but it's how i feel. i don't like being boxed in. i don't like having to follow rules i don't think are fair. i don't want to be sculpted into someone i am not. because that isn't who i am. i am passionate, i am creative, i have a big personality, and to be boxed in and tied down the way i feel like at home... it just makes me more and more bitter, more and more distant and closed off. like i was after ending my friendship with my "best friend". only i am moreso now than i was before.
i want to break all bonds that hold me here. i want to lift my anchor. i want to sail away into the sunset. i wish that my bonds to the most important people - my very best friend, tabby, my other very good friend, kim, my grandmother - weren't so strong so that i could leave. but right now (disincluding the fact that i have no money), that is the biggest reason why i haven't left yet.
"everyone here hates everyone here for doing just like they do
and it's best if we all keep this quiet instead
and i couldn't tell
why everyone here was doing me like they do
i'm sorry now
and i don't know how
to get it back 2 good"
~Matchbox 20

Friday, 9 March 2012

I totally love this song, especially right now, when I'm in a funk and kind of going through a bunch of sh*t.
(names've been changed)
i got agitated and frusterated and - to be honest - pissed at a "friend" of mine because every time i would try to make plans with her, she would ignore me or not say anything. but with anyone else, she'd be all over plans. and, as of late, i've been put on the back burner, second to her boyfriend, to her new bff, my sister. i got sick and tired of waiting around for her to decide whether she wants me around. between texting me less, and only hanging out with me when other people are around, and putting conditions on our friendship when we were like sisters... it pushed me to my breaking point. i got so mad that i told her i'm done with the bullshit and to text me when she finally made up her mind. that is, if i really wanted to be her friend, if i gave enough of a shit to say or do anything. but frankly, i hate it when i confront someone and they back down, whether it be in person or on a phone or whatever. and then ... my sister just won't shut up about this chick. "oh, jess this, jess that." "i'm doing this with jess." "oh, i'm stealing jess's whatever." it's like, whatever, i don't care. just don't talk about her in front of me unless you say straight up "i want you to be friends again with jess" or "jess wants to be your friend again, talk to her." just because she's your new BFF (ohmygod, nobody EVER saw that coming!! really?) doesn't mean you have to obssess over her.
everyone says "grow up" or "let go". first of all, how cliche is that? second, come on, it's not like i've heard that before.
i've stopped caring, i have the whole "i don't give a shit, leave me alone" thing going... i'm just done with the bullshit and the drama and and and... that this seems like the best course. i've cared too much, and i've been hurt. now i don't care enough. i'd rather be that way. i've had higher expectations for people, and i've been let down... i have little to no expectations for anyone. now i can't get let down. i've loved enough for four people and i've been taken advantage of. now you have to deserve my love.
it's just how i am now.
I am done. If you want someone to care, don't come to me, because I'll just let you down.
"but I will not forget
the way I feel right now"
be creative. be yourself.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

I only heard this song for the first time today and totally fell in love with it. It's such a good song. :D I don't know why, but I just love Rob Thomas. His songs are always just great.

Nickelback- When We Stand Together

I love this song. it's so totally true. we always say we want to change, but don't do anything. try to change the status quo, be that someone who was different.