I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

(lately, i'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay. but tell me, please, would you one time just let me be myself, so i can shine with my own light? let me be myself. would you let me be myself? ~3 Doors Down)

i'm sitting on the floor of the living room, watching the Olympics. fun stuff. i'm also thinking about taking a trip. i don't know when, but i'm hoping soon. i'm hoping to take the train to maybe calif.
but, it's going to be $191.00 for a round trip ticket. and if i am going to get a hotel for six days, it's gonna be, like, $756... which is almost $950... so, i'm gonna want a crap ton of money if i'm staying that long.... that means no wasting money on food and other needless stuff.
so, i change my mind. i'm gonna go for three days. it takes three days to get out by train and three to come back. nine days gone. it's going to be $569 for the train ticket and three nights in a hotel. about. so, i'm going to need between $800 and $900 dollars for other amenities, like food and other things. which seems much easier than over a grand for everything. yup.
so. i don't know if i am going to do it. i just hope i will. sooner, rather than later. ya know? something i want to do, but maybe won't do for awhile.
well, stuff happens. i have to decide soon so that i can by my ticket and rent a hotel room.
i have no idea.
i am ready to move out of my house. i don't know when this will happen. i think this has to happen before my trip to california. because that way, i can figure it out from there. because i can't throw money out on a trip and have to get myself back on my feet to get an apartment, or something. i'd rather get myself on my feet first and get the feel of living on my own before i throw money away on a trip. because that'd be the adult thing to do. right?
that's what i thought.
i think i might do the train trip next year and try to get out of my house by the end of the year. well. hopefully not during the holidays because things like that will go up. rent and all. they'll want more because it's the holidays than any other time of the year.
i guess i'm going to sign off, guys. have a nice day and all.

Monday, 23 July 2012

in case you haven't noticed, my grandmother died. it was two weeks ago this past saturday... she died at home... and i am sooo happy and blessed that i got a chance to say goodbye. my family, all my uncles and a few of my cousins were at her house that day. we watched her die, which was horrible. but i wouldn't give that day for the world because i got a chance to say goodbye.
i ended up going to burger king on my way home (around one am) to get something to drink. i had texted James (a closer, one of my favorites... him and Marino are my Sunday night crew... but that got screwed up, get to that later) when my grandmother died a couple hrs earlier. then about half hour after i texted james, i called burger king up and jesse was working. he ended up telling Marino and James. so, when i came through, they were all telling me they were sorry and whatnot. Marino got me something to drink (sprite) and i asked him for my schedule. we ended up hanging out in the back for awhile, smoking and chilling.
i had to work the next day (two weeks ago yesterday). i ended up working eleven to five... i chilled for awhile then clocked back in at eight and stayed clocked in til midnight. so, ten hours of paid time. but, beside the point. around nine, i had asked Marino to make me a salad. about an hour later, i told him i didnt' know if i could eat it, and he said he was upset. i asked why and he said that he made me food that i won't even eat. so i told him to stop, because i was already not doin' too well. but i knew it was a joke.
i went from way happy to way sad in a matter of half a second. those were my two emotions that night. but... James and Marino handled it well. both are married, both have seen women cry. i cried twice in front of both of them a piece... four times that night. yikes.
so, around midnight, i ate about five bites of the salad that Marino made me and just... threw it out because i knew i wouldn't be able to finish it. i couldn't eat.
jesse ended up drivig me home at around one thirty, after he did some grocery shopping (and bought me a new pack of cigarettes). so, i ended up being home around 2 am... but on the way home, the light was green for us, so we went through the light. there was a guy (and we don't know if he was drunk or high or what) that had run a red light (we were turning left, and oncoming traffic had the red light...). had we been going through the light two seconds later, we would've been hit, on my side of the car (i was on the passenger side). i would've been in the hospital or dead.
i honestly think that my grandmother had something to do with it. my reasoning behind it is that if she weren't, i would've gone to the hospital or been dead.
and these past two weeks made me realize how much i miss my grandmother. it's been kind of rough. i'll go from being okay to feeling empty and hollow, and being sad. and it's even harder for my mom because she just lost her mother, her best friend, her rock...
i'm one of those people who can feel what others are feeling. which makes it harder for me to keep calm when people are angry or stressed, to be happy when others are sad, to be sad when others are happy, etc. so, it's definitely been almost as hard for me as it has been for my mom, because i feel the pain she is in, the sadness she has. and it doesn't help her stress level... so, it's been kind of stressful on top of it all.
but, like i said, i wouldn't trade my grandmother's last day on earth for anything. because i told her how much i loved her and i got to say goodbye.

In memory of Yvonne Oudin (June 13, 1929-July 7, 2012)

Guided by her hand, we go where she leads.
Guided by her love, we go where our love wouldn't take us.
Filled with her strength, we have the strength to do things we've never done before.
Filled with her happiness, we have the happiness we've never had.
With absolute certainty, though our future isn't certain, we have the gifts that she left us with in our hearts, minds and spirits.
With absolute love and happiness that she has left us with, let us go into our futures and let us take our turn.
Let's do her proud.

Monday, 16 July 2012

In Memory of Yvonne Oudin (my grandmother)... June 13, 1929-July 7, 2012

it's in the silence where i miss you most.
it's in the moments alone when i want you near.
it's in the passive seconds when i miss your hugs.
it's in my thoughts and heart where you still live.
it's in the love i hold that i will never forget.
it's in the quiet minutes when i feel you close.
it's in the most hectic moments when i hear your calm voice.
it's in the stressful times when i remember your advice.
it's in the moments of love when i feel your kiss.
whereever i am, whatever i am doing, something will always make me think of you. i love you.