I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Monday, 25 June 2012

(spending all of the years putting my heart back together. ...daughtry)

i can't sleep, so i decided i wanted to write... at least until i fall asleep. yeah, so this might not be a long post.
so. i don't know. it's been a long day. i worked. i'm still up and i've been awake since 7.30 in the morning. well, maybe i should get some sleep, huh? i guess.
i've been in a funk all day. it might have something to do about last night. i couldn't concentrate, i couldn't do anything right for the life of me. i don't know, but ... i will live. on top of it, i couldn't really say anything without getting into trouble, so i couldn't tell anyone why i've been in a weird mood.
on top of that, i go home after i went to my grandma's house to shower and change and all... and the 'rentals get all over my case about EVERYTHING to the point where i was crying... well, hell, i was already in a mood, i didn't want to have people pissed off at me and make me feel even more like shit. i guess ... i don't know.
right now, though, i just feel... like i'm hollow. for the moment. i just keep hoping that i am dreaming and that i'll wake up in the morning... and everything will be okay. hell, i just want things back to what they were.
it's weird because i can't put how i feel into words and i am QUEEN of words. it seems like that since i heard about this kid quit, life started spiraling downwards. the only good thing right now is that i've got a couple people gettin' me designs for that tattoos i want. and .... here we go. i'm listening to "better than me" by hinder (great song...) and i feel like i'm about to cry again. i've cried twice today, i don't neccessarily want to cry again. i hate falling apart, i hate having to try to hold it together. i just want to stay in a corner and just ... let it go. today has been the longest day in awhile.
but ... i guess tomorrow, after i go to the bank and call the insurance company and fill out some applications, i'll go for some excercise/chlorine theraphy in the afternoon. that will HOPEFULLY help a little. because i don't want to keep feelin' like this... i can't take it anymore. BLAH!!!
well, now that i've written myself to drowziness and to tears (almost), i think i am gonna go to bed.... have a nice night/day!!!
Rollie Pollie

(everyone here knows everyone here is thinkin' 'bout somebody else. ~MATCHBOX TWENTY)

last night was probably one of the most rough nights to work, despite it being MY night crew. one of the kindest, most amazing and sweetest guys had put in his two weeks about two weekd ago, and it nearly brought us all to tears. my face is drying from the myraid of tears i cried on the way to my grandma's house this morning. anyhow, Chris G. walked in last night and was chillin' in the back for a minute and talked to Marino and James, who, obviously, found out first. and then Chris walked up front to where i was and said, "you're gonna miss me, right?" and i asked him what he was talking about and he said that he'd quit. i about had a fit before it hit me.... Chris quit. we were chillin' out by the dumpster for about ten minutes, the three of us in our uniforms and Chris in is street clothes... it was so sad that i thought Marino and James WERE going to cry.... it was so quiet, you'd thought someone died. nope, just the guy who meant enough to people to make them want to cry. i was so upset last night that i was having a hard time taking orders. i had my manager, Jesse, take and hand out some orders. i couldn't do it for a minute. it made me even sadder to see James and Marino the way they were because usually they are both pretty upbeat and everything. and i'm empathetic, so it makes it that much worse. not only did i have to deal with my own sad feelings, but i was feelin' what the crew was feelin' and that made it almost too hard to deal with. we were nearly clear from a rush (maybe two people, tops, in line, waiting for food... not waiting to put in an order) when i told jesse i had to go out for a cigarette before i hit something. i just.... i almost couldn't take it, surrounded by all the sadness going... but by the end of the night, the guys were okay enough to start craking jokes and listen to music (sad music as well as not sad music). when i left, i got hugs from Marino and James. i think part of what it was was that Chris had quit and they were still feelin' down about it... but i always get a hug from Marino. last night, though, it was kinda different. the last hug he gave me ... he held me tight and almost plowed me over.... because he took two or three steps forward, which sent me walkin' backward.
it's still hard, though, when someone as sweet and awesome as Chris leaves. he was probably the most positive and kind hearted people i've ever worked with. even if he was having a bad day, you wouldn't've known it because he was always so positive. and that is going to be hard to work without. but i think we'll learn to live with it and learn from how he was... and maybe try to do the same.
ah, hell, i'm about to cry again, so, i guess i'm done with this post, guys...

Monday, 18 June 2012

(beautiful girl, bless your heart. ~MATCHBOX TWENTY)

I had an amazing weekend.... It was wonderful. Friday, I went to the zoo... Went to the mall Friday night. I spent a little time with my bff Friday night when I came home... Her and my sister. Saturday morning, Laura and I went on a walk and had breakfast together.... She showered and went to work. I made cookies right before she came over on her lunch break. We talked and whatever as I finished making the cookies. We had a grad party to go to, mom and I, when Laura came over on her way to her mom's house to wish her stepdad a happy father's day... Then I went over to her place to spend the night and we stayed up really late and I got up at just after nine. Yesterday, we had brunch for dad for dad's day. We didn't do much more than that for him... I went to work last night... well... I had an interesting evening. This guy (Chris Marino... I call him by his last name. We have three Chris's working...) was way nice. I was complaining how I needed something to eat, so I asked him if he could make me something to eat. And Marino, knowing me, knew what I wanted to eat before I knew... A wrap!! It totally made my night. A few minutes later, he went on break. About ten minutes into his break, Jesse let me leave. I ended up sitting at the same table as Marino, because, really, I had nowhere better to be. We talked and talk came around to moi. He told me what a cool person I am. And James was looking at us funny, so we headed outside so he could smoke... And we continue our conversation. He told me that I was nice, kind, pretty, sometimes obnoxious, but spunky and that I have a good personality. He also said that if he weren't married, he would date me. He figured me out and he did it fast... So, he seems like someone I would want to keep close, I guess. Totally makes me feel better about myself. So, I decided that I am going in for a visit tonight... And have him make me some food again. I was way happy... A guy friend ... And totally platonic. So... This is good. I will enjoy this while I can because Marino is a nice guy. And maybe a good friend.

Friday, 15 June 2012

(everyone here knows everyone here is thinkin' 'bout somebody else. ~MATCHBOX TWENTY)

okay, so i went to the ZOO this morning (first time in ... 6 years). it's been awhile and i had fun. i had a blast. :) it was worth it.
and then... that guy? the one from a few weeks ago? yeah. well, we were "friends" for all of, like, two days. and then last night one of his friends texts me and the text said (i'm paraphrasing...), "Bull (the buttface's last name, not the one texting me) told me your down to screw." so, basically, i got pissed at the one guy (Rob, the buttface...) and told him so. he has yet to text me back. i'm not surprised, he's at work, but he's gonna have to face my anger when he's off. but, in the meantime, i was talking to his friend and he 'splained that they were drunk last night (no excuse for it, though, dammit!). and he agrees with me (i guess, he might just be spewing words from his ass) that Rob is an idiot. psh. i'm just frusterated with crap. like, you say you're going to be a friend, and you pull something like this on me? like, you can't even be enough of a friend to leave me the hell alone? i mean, shit. this is below the belt. i mean, i have better expectations for my friends. and that's why i was hesitant to be friends with him to begin with. because it started on rocky footing to begin with. so, i mean. this kind of ruins it.
and then, today's the first time in weeks that i'm doing something for myself (the zoo and going to the movies later... maybe. if i can get over being mad at Rob and if he's still willing to go, even though i am mad at him) and dad just got really agitated, like, "you aren't going to spend time looking for a job?" like, dad, i did that last week. and this week, i've been doing stuff for my grandma because she went to the hospital monday morning. so, it wasn't like i was on vacation all week. i was making sure my grandma was okay, to see if she needed anything, all that good shit. so, i mean... today is my first time having a break! so, why the hell are you having a hissy fit when i plan something earlier this week for the first day i can plan stuff for? like, really? grow the hell up and let me do my shit. and let me have my goddamn time to be young, because in a few years, i won't have that chance anymore. i mean, shit, dad.
whatever. i'm just really tired and really frusterated, and just a tad dehydrated. *sucks down some water* that doesn't make for a good combination. if i do end up going to the movies, i might just fall asleep. i don't know. i'm just ... i just want the assholes to leave me the heck alone. because it's so, so irritating when they don't. my life is that much more stressful that way.
well, this post is full of irritation and pissed-off-ness. so, maybe i should sign off and post again another day as opposed to spaming the world wide web with my anger. because that doesn't solve anything. what does solve this is confronting the idiot and talking to him. maybe i won't be so angry (and i'm not, not so much any more... i'm not one to be angry for a long time. but if Rob does text me back, i'll make him sweat ... uh, he'll already be sweaty... from work... okay, i need to get my mind off his body and stop liking him... at all.). but yea... i'll make him think i'm still way pissed and then i'll be like "i'm not mad anymore... i'm just testing ya" kind of thing.
psh. i'm so mean.
have a good day, guys!

Sunday, 10 June 2012

okay, so work just called. i'm assuming it's the bitch manager, telling me she's "firing" me for what happened earlier with the other girl. i didn't answer because i knew who was working and i didn't really want to talk to her. i knew that i was trying to do my job (okay, after work, i was still kind of pissed and sent some texts i probably shouldn't have, but i was trying to cover my ass. and if the RM calls me tomorrow, i'll explain to her that's what i was trying to do.). i'm done trying to have to explain myself to people who don't matter. but what irritates me is that she didn't even leave me a voicemail. if it's important, like you firing me, bitch, then leave me a damn voicemail. if i were to get written up, then Jesse (the day manager) would have written me up. i'll take it to the RM tomorrow if that's the damn case. i'm just done with that job. good thing i'm looking now and hoping to be done soon, thank god. i can beat the bitch manager to the punch and quit before she fires me. too bad she can't fire me. sue, the RM, is the only one who can do that.
ugh, who knew jobs got so dang complicated.

(i think i've already lost you/i think you're already gone/i think i'm finally scared now/you think i'm weak/but i think you're wrong/i think you're already leaving/feels like your hand is on the door/i thought this place was an empire/but now i'm relaxed/i can't be sure. ~MATCHBOX TWENTY)

okay, so. what a long day. :/ i was up at seven this morning to get ready for work and i was still, like, ten minutes late. oh, well. i ended up staying almost twenty minutes late, so it's okay. i made up for it. BUT right before i left, this chick (who, mind you, hadn't been working at burger king anywhere near as long as i have and isn't a manager, by the way) bitched me out because i had taken an order and the customer didn't listen to me or the other person on the headset ask her questions about what sizes she wanted her drinks and onion rings. we had both asked multiple times. but the customer didn't listen. so, this girl bitched me out and told me i couldn't do my job right. and then she told me that i HAD to stock the drive thru with cups and lids and shit. like, hello.... first off, you aren't my manager, don't tell me what to do, because i KNOW what to do. and secondly, what the fuck is your problem when i tell you what happened and you dont' listen. grow the fuck up and be the supposed "adult" you call yourself, bitch. you do your job, and i'll do mine, thanks. i mean, really. i'm not below you, i'm not your little bitch, i'm not the person you bitch at when something goes wrong. grow the hell up and do your job and don't worry about me.
i'm dont ranting. it just proves that i do need a new job. UGH.
mom got a new car - a cooper with stick shift. kind of pretty, but i won't drive it because it's a stick. i'm used to the automatic, and i'll stick to that, thanks. (haha, i won't do stick but i'll stick to the... wow.) i kind of like it, though. but i'm more comfortable with my neon (which, by the way, after i pay off the $1850 to mom and dad, i'd've spent $2850 on. i don't want to sell that bitch, i've spent too much money on it to want to. but now, i can say it's worth more. haha.).
i'm tired. i'm done for the day. i want to go to bed. but i need to make sure my grandma eats dinner and takes her meds before i leave her house. that's why i came. to make sure she's okay and all.
well, hell... i'm all out of stuff to say. i'm gonna sign off and maybe have some dinner...

Saturday, 9 June 2012

(oh, written in the stars/a million miles away/a message to the main/oh, seasons come and go/but i will never change/and i'm on my way. ~ERIC TURNER)

okay, sooo....
i don't know. i'm over the one guy. finally. i finally got pissed off at him the other night and bitched (beg my French...) at him about being the asshole that he is. whatever. i'm just done. i'm not changing for anyone.
i've also started talking to someone whom i haven't talked to in months. he found me on facebook and we started talking again... we swapped numbers and have been talking since wednesday. it's nice to catch up.
so. some creepy shit is going down at my local kroger. this forty-something cashier (who thinks i'm a lesbian and i have no intention of changing that any time soon) keeps hitting on me every time i go in. because a forty-something guy hitting on a 20 year old lesbian totally isn't creepy at all. right. don't get me wrong, the guy is kind of decent looking for his age. but he's at least twice my age. and it won't work out. i mean, come on. plus, he's like an old cat lady. he's lonely and has, like, three cats. dood, what are you doing with your life? psh. whatever.
anyhow, i haven't seen the guy i like who works at kroger in who knows how long. :/ i hope he didn't quit or get fired or whatever. that'd be kinda sad.
anyways. my car needs a new transmission... won't be ready until tuesday. $1,850 later, and hopefully my car will run just fine. YAY! i'm so dang excited.
anyhow, sunday is the Roland-Garros (French Open) finals. Rafael Nadal vs Novak Djokovic. it's going to be a great final. Djokovic beat Nadal in the last open they played. hopefully Nadal gets his win here. i'm soooooo excited. lol...
anyhow, sooo... i worked today and got sent home a half hour early... i work again tomorrow from 9 am to to 2 pm. and then i only work to days next week. like, how am i going to pay off my new transmission with that kind of money? i can't, dipshits, so give me some damn hours!!!! what the hell. whatever. i'll live, i hope.
anyhow... well... i don't know. i'm just tired and ready for bed. but not for another little while, at least. right? whatever. i'll live. i have to go home (went to my gma's after work...) and get some stuff done, hopefully go up to the swim club (after i shower) and chill. it's gonna be an awesome (not) night.
okay.... i'm out of here. <3

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

(... like a favorite song. ~ROB THOMAS)

okay, so... like hearing my favorite song on the radio or on my iPod, i like seeing this guy. however, i haven't seen him in over two weeks. right. well, i'm not going to worry because there isn't anything between us. is there? i don't think so... but, i mean, i see him at least once a week if i'm at kroger multiple times in one week. but i haven't in a couple weeks. i'd think one of two things... 1) he got fired or 2) he quit or 3) he doesn't like people? okay, i get that's three but still. i don't know if i should be worried or not. plus... i don't know. i look forward to seeing him when i go grocery shopping (or whatever it is i do when i just go in there and ending up buying one item that i don't neccessarily need...).
what's wrong with this? every guy that i like ends up being an asshole or an idiot or whatever. i don't know. but he doesn't (didn't?) even know i like him. so... what's the deal?
i don't want to dig too much into this in case it isn't anything. because it'll make me look like the idiot. and i don't want to be the idiot. make HIM look like the idiot for ... well, not being at work when i go to the store.
that sounds a bit ... well, not obsessive. just... weird.
but still. seeing him IS kind of like hearing/listening to my favorite song(s). because i feel more relaxed and more happy. even though there is nothing between us AT ALL. well, right now, because every time i've tried to go when there'd be a chance of him working, he hasn't been there. whatever. i just wish that he'd show up at work again. just so, you know, i can obsess about him and keep my cool when i see him. and maybe give him my number (no, let's not break into that corny song... okay, lets!). i know, i know.... i'mma dork. but it's okay. "hey, i just met you, and this is crazy. but here's my number, so call me maybe." i totally want to go up to him with a piece of paper in hand that has my number on it and break into that song (call me maybe ~Carly Rae Jepsen). it'd be totally hilarious.
beside the point. my point is that i want to see him. just to .... i don't know. i guess i just... i want to see him. for whatever reason. and i do hope something comes of this. because i do like him and he seems like a nice guy.
well, i'm going to go. i'm gonna stop talking about just this guy and do something productive with my life.

Monday, 4 June 2012

(everybody's got a place where they belong, like a favorite song. i don't want to be a faded memory. i don't want to be the ghost you can't shake. i want to be the real thing. the world can be so cruel, but i will sing for you this cradlesong all night long. ~ROB THOMAS)

like i just said in the last post, i love this song. </3 my favorite by Rob, i have to admit.
anyways... i think i need to get over this for real. a boy is not going to be my demise. i figure i'm still wanted somewhere and that in the long run, this guy won't be more than just a faded memory by the end of the summer. i mean, if he texts me or whatever, i'll send a text his way. but i won't wait around. at least, i'll try not to. i'll try not to text or call or whatever. i did get a glimpse of a life that i'd never lived that one weekend, but i have to move on. i mean, that was two weeks ago. i won't be a ghost from his past that he can't get away from. i want to be the person he regrets not getting to know.
besides, if i'm still stuck on him, i can't look forward to the new people coming into my life (like there are any right now... but there will be.). i can't enjoy life right now. and right now, i need to focus on being happy and doing me. i can't do that hung up on a guy.
and i already have a new boy in mind. try as i might to hang on just for hope, i won't do that anymore and i'm already moving on (even though there's still a little part of me that might always hold on to that hope...).
the memory has already started to fade, the edges starting to turn yellow. but if i want to be honest with myself, i haven't forgotten how good it feels in his arms. i just have to get over it, because i won't go there again. i won't. it's in the past. done and over with.


anyways, this new boy. he's cute (not on the same ... NO! ..... no comparisons. not to the other guy, at least.). he works at kroger. at least, i think he still does. i haven't seen him there in awhile. but last time i went and he worked, he has asked where i'd been (it had been awhile since i went grocery shopping when this happened). i had been working a lot and hadn't had the chance to go grocery shopping, and i told him so.
even if he is just being friendly, it's nice because nothing's come of it (yet). i hope something does come of it, but if it doesn't, it's nice to have a frienship (acquaintanceship?) with a guy where it's stagnant. even though i do hope for something... because, right now, he's the only guy who notices (or noticed) how long it's been since i've shown up somewhere, he's the only guy who's kept up a continuing conversation with me without stopping right in the middle. he seems genuinely interested in what i say. but it could just be that he's friendly. i don't know. i just hope that something does happen. it'd make me happy.
anyways, i'm going to sign off. i've got to shower and get ready for the day. it's time to face the music. :)

i just LOVE this song.