I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

(just random thoughts.... inspirational, humbling, a random blurb of late night thoughts.... feel free to pass it in, for whatever it's worth, to someone who may need it.)

There's really nothing like it,
Nothing like looking at the stars,
Seeing them and realizing that one day,
Long ago,
You were once stardust....
Just tiny particles floating in space.
Just stop and think,
Appreciate it.
We're all destined for greatness.
When it comes right down to it,
We were written in the stars.
Maybe not now.
But we were once.
Because we are great,
Greater than what society leads us to believe,
Greater than we allow ourselves to believe.
Despite being just the smallest blip in the world's history,
Not even a particle of dust compared to the whole, wide Universe,
We're just as great.
After all, we are nothing but stardust,
Created from the heart of the Universe.

Friday, 15 January 2016

[Now I'm wearing this smile I don't believe in; inside I feel like screaming. -Anon]

The absolute worst feeling in the world is fearing that you don't have enough years in your life to realize your dreams, but not having the energy to do anything. It's not wanting to leave your house, let alone your room, because you don't want to go through talking with people, and telling yourself you don't really deserve to have a good time anyways. It's the fear of failing, but not caring. It's the fear of not having enough time to figure out what you want to do, but telling yourself you'll fail anyways, so what's the point?
It's having anxiety and being depressed at the same time. It's something that I struggle with every day. Knowing that I have to find a job, asking myself 'What if I don't find one?", but telling myself that I don't really deserve to have a good life, nor would anyone want to hire me anyways. It's being a crowd of people and being afraid that I'll say something wrong because I have social anxiety, but also just wanting to sit in the corner and stop caring about the world around me.
Maybe that's why I didn't try in school when I went to college. I was so scared of failing, of not being good enough of a student, that I wanted to do well, but telling myself that I am already too much of a screw up, so why try?
I sabotage everything that I do because I can't figure out how to navigate through these thoughts and emotions. It's sabotaging all my past relationships because I can't figure out which disorder is screwing me up more. Do I worry too much about what other people think about my life that I don't want to socialize? Do I ruin my personal relationships because I don't care enough to put any energy in?
Or maybe it's the anxiety talking...
I've wanted to write a post for the past couple days, but I didn't have the energy....
... which definitely the depression talking.
Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days. I get like three or four hours of studying in, then about five hours of job searching, with maybe some cleaning around the house and going to the gym... potentially have plans for the evening. Things click, and I have energy and motivation for everything, not really caring about what people think or how they react to me.
But then there are the days that I wake up, and just stare at the ceiling, thinking, I don't really have the energy to get up, I'm not really smart enough to pass this exam, I don't want to talk to people, what was I thinking when I first woke up? Why do I have to deal with today? I hate talking to people, I hate people, I don't have the energy, NO NO NO!!!
And then there are the days where it's just the depression. I'll sit in front of my book and notebook, telling myself that it's not really worth it. I'm not good enough to pass this exam anyway. Or I'll be in front of my computer, looking at online job search sites, and tell myself, meh, I don't have the energy for this, so I'll just sit here and stare at the screen, just randomly clicking stuff without reading anything. Then a friend will text me, asking me if I'm free, but telling him/her that maybe not tonight, maybe next time, because I just don't care. I just don't have the energy to get out of my pajamas.
Or the days where it's just the anxiety. Reading everything in my book because I worry that I don't know enough at all, or looking on those same websites, clicking on everything that I think is a good match, but thinking that I don't really want to have to go through the interview, because am I really a people person? NO!, my mind will scream at me. Most DEFINITELY not!!!! Then wondering whether I'm insane through putting myself through this. And having friends call me, asking to do something, I'm just like.... I don't want people to judge me, I don't want to have to put myself through that, NO!
What a vicious, exhausting, brutal cycle. And, it seems, like I can't break it.
But it's not like I can talk about it. I don't.
My sister and my mom have made it known that they're depressed, my sister more than once. Even when I wanted to, I don't know what I would say.
Even if I tried, they would be brutally honest, saying that it can't be as bad as theirs, all this extra, and what if that makes me worse?
I don't even try. I keep it to myself. Because, no matter what, it would seem like my troubles won't be as bad as theirs. They would make light of it, like it's whatever, or it's nothing. And yet, the struggle goes on, silent and cruel.
Maybe I shouldn't post this, because I don't know what people would say, and I fear that everyone will put me under the microscope, wondering what part of my mind is messed up.
But I didn't even have the energy to write this post, nor did I care to have the energy, so it would be useless if I didn't post this.
The struggle goes on, silent and cruel...
... such a vicious cycle.
"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

[Oh, I fall in love just a little, oh, little bit every day with someone new. -Hozier||Someone New]

Good morning, afternoon, or evening to you wherever you are.
I'm so sorry that it's taken me a year to get back to posting back here. It's been a very crazy, hectic, crazy, weird, intense year. It's been full of love, friendships, learning, drama, breakups... All the usual life things. You know how it goes. I hope.
So, let me get re-organized and go through my past year, get my thoughts together right.
Last year, I turned 23, worked at Panera Bread for five months, then left to go to trade school. My trade ended up being Pharmacy Technology. Interesting field. I learned so much from my teacher, my mentor, and all the students I was in class with. I also thought I was in love while I was in school. However, we were together for six months, my ex and I, before I broke up with her. She was 19, acting like a child, wasn't motivated. Nothing. Even though she finished school in September, I had pushed her to find a job and/or retake the military entrance exam in order to do what she needed or wanted. I got fed up after a five weeks of trying to be an adult for her. If I kept being one for her, where did that leave me after I finished school? Right back where I was before I started - being unmotivated, without drive, sitting on my ass, not going to school, working a crappy part time job. I couldn't be an adult for two people - hell, being an adult for one person is hard enough; I don't need the extra stress of being an adult for someone else, too. What's with that? But I talked to my mom about the whole thing with my ex. Mom was telling me that I broke up with her with all the right reasons, being somewhat adult about it.
But all the drama that ensued was ridiculous! I do have to admit, I was part of the blame of the drama. I didn't act very adult about it half the time. But I got over it. Because this was a lesson. My old roommate from school had a saying that went, "It's either a lesson or a blessing." "It's a lesson or a blessin'," she'd tell me, "either you have something to learn, or it's something good!" But I changed it a little bit after this whole dramatic bullcrap. The blessing is in the lesson, especially with what I went through here. I learned to get not depend on someone else to the point of need, to know when a relationship is toxic, to move on. I also learned what I wanted, what I needed, and what I didn't want or need out of a relationship.
So, anyways, I finished school about a month ago. I'm having a difficult time trying to transfer my pharmacy technician licensure from the State of Illinois to the State of Michigan. But I should (hopefully) have it by the end of the month. It's crazy because I should have done this long before I finished school. And I am so mad at myself because I didn't do it. Why didn't I apply directly for Michigan licensure? And if I couldn't, why didn't I apply for a transfer before I finished with school? Yeah, I wasn't very smart.
School itself wasn't bad. There were a lot of people who had nothing better to do that to start drama. It was like their life mission to piss people off, start rumors, and get other people kicked out. It was like, do you not have anything better to do with your life? Like get the education you came here for? Stop mooching off other people's money and do something with yourself, yeah? Because without school, they don't have anything.
I found my personality twin at school. We are very much alike in how we think and act and in our personalities that it's kind of scary. We finish each other's sentences, we know each other's taste in guys, we both know how each other thinks. Hell, we even chose the same trade. We are both very driven in what we want to do. It's like talking to me... except she's taller, blond, and likes different sports teams. But we're both fairly passionate about the teams we follow.
Anyhow, I've been out of school for about a month, trying to study for the pharmacy board exam (you know, just a run of the mill, nationally certifying exam. no pressure), and looking for a job. It's been fun, fun, fun. Actually, not really. But, as soon as I pass this exam, I'm sure that I'll feel a bit better.
Okay, well, I'm about to go eat lunch, so I'll let you guys go.
Stay grand.