I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Tuesday 11 June 2019

A long time ago, I was here.

I think I'm back... it's been awhile since I've blogged on here regularly, and it feels weird to be coming back. Especially since it's been like three years or something.

Honestly, I could have come back sooner. Considering, I haven't been working, and only have been in school this year. Yeah, life has been a mess, lately, but it is what it is.

I have three years of life to get through here, but I don't know where to start, really. Should I start at the beginning? Or should I start from now and work my way back? Or should I just do a stream of conscientiousness, and just write about whatever comes to mind about the last three years?

I really don't know what to do with myself up on here. It's like. I know this is a personal blog, all about my personal journey, and how I got here. I know that it should just be how I want to set it up. But, like I've already said in this post, it's been so long that I don't know. I just don't know.

This is as good of a starting place as any, though, isn't it? I mean, I'm back now, and I'm re-dedicating myself to being here. Which is a good start.

I guess, right now, I just need to figure out what is best for me at the moment, and how to go forward with this blog.

What I am asking of you, dear blog followers, is to be patient with me while I sort this out. I really do appreciate that. Also, if you have any advice going forward, please let me know. I would appreciate it.

One step at a time. This journey starts with this first step.

Thursday 25 August 2016

[I've been waiting for this moment all my life/Now all my dreams are coming true, yeah/I've been waiting for this moment/Feels good to be alive right about now ~~Andy Grammar||Good to Be Alive]

It's been three and a half months since I last wrote. And a lot has happened. There's kind of a lot to sift through right now.
So, I have been working. I finally got a job at a pharmacy in a hospital. That I ended up leaving because there was so much. I don't know. I just felt like I couldn't ask questions or learn anything or, you know, grow in that environment. Well, I mean, I probably could have. But the environment that the pharmacist made almost felt oppressive. And I probably didn't handle it the right way, nor am I going to try and say that I did. But less than a week later, I landed a job at my local Walgreens as something they call a designated hitter. I'm working on the front end and in the pharmacy. Which is good, because I still get pharmacy experience.
The biggest difference between the hospital and Walgreens is that, at Walgreens, everyone is very open and accepting, welcoming. I can ask questions, and learn, and make sure I understand everything. I feel like it's a place where I can flourish and become someone, whereas, at the hospital, I felt like I couldn't do any of that. I feel like Walgreens is a really good environment for me. And that's what I appreciate.
I'm working on bettering myself. Part of it is trying to be healthier. I'm trying to eat healthier - eating more fruits and veggies, eating the right foods, etc. - , starting to try and get out and move more. Be more mindful of what I do to be healthy.
I'm thinking about going back to school. I know, I know. Shocker. It's been so long since I've been to school that it's kind of nerve-wreaking thinking about it. But I think it'll be worth it in the end, because who doesn't benefit from getting a higher education?
I am trying to be more mindful of the world around me. Trying. That part is the hardest part, to be honest. But I'm working on it. Slowly but surely, I will get there.
I think the most important part, though, is accepting who I am and loving me for who I am. That is proving to be the most important part. And, frankly, it's not like I give myself the chance to do that. I think it would be so much easier for me to focus on losing weight and being healthier if I learned to love and accept myself. It would make so much difference in my life. But it's hard. And I don't really know how to. But I am figuring it out - and that's all that matters.
Okay, it's getting late, and I think I should sign off now.
Have a great night, blogisphere.

Thursday 12 May 2016

[Wish we could turn back time to the good old days, when mama sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out.... -Twenty One Pilotes||Stressed Out]

Okay, great news.... I got my final scores last week Friday for my certification exam. I did OFFICIALLY pass! And I got an unofficial copy of my certificate I could print off for my records. It's great, it's got my name written on it all pretty like and everything. The only struggle is the job search. Which seems easy now, considering that I've stressed myself out way too damn much about studying for the exam.
So this morning, we're babysitting my cousin's baby. My sister has him twice a week. So the baby's been here since eight. And I have been up since then. I helped my sister with the baby, I ate breakfast, and I used the toilet.... I sit myself down at the computer to start my job search. Then my dad comes into the room, and asks me what my plan is for the day. I tell him.
Then he gets all judgmental on me and he's like, "So, you're starting your day now? At... What time is it?" Like, no, dad, I started it this morning when I helped with the baby before I could even eat. What the hell do you mean, I'm just starting my day at ten in the morning?? Like, NO! See what the hell I do with my day when I am home and we have the baby! Buzz off and how about you go about your own day?
If my mom had a problem with me doing anything else but job searching, she would have said something.
Plus, I'm 24 years old, not 15. Like, get a handle on your life and let me try to be an adult for five minutes before you come in and destroy me. Because I can't go about trying to be an adult if you keep treating me like a child. If I mess up while trying to be an adult, then by all means, help me, and then say something, but say it as an adult speaking to another adult.
Like, screw you and the high horse you came in on. Who died and made you king of everything?

Okay, I guess I'm too stressed out about this. But it just pisses me off when he thinks he can go about judging me and putting some sort of control on my life for me (instead of letting me do that myself).

Monday 28 March 2016

[New Contributor!!]

Hello, hello, fellow bloggers!!
We would like to welcome a new contributor on this blog, Tabz. I hope you guys will give her a warm welcome when she posts.
Tabz and I have been friends for years; we met in Semester II astrology class in our senior year of high school and have been friends ever since. We're not going into how many years ago that was; I feel old just thinking about it. We've been through break ups, bad breaks, graduation, positivity, birthdays.... and it's been a great few years; we're hoping for many more as great friends!!
Welcome, Tabz, to life as I know it... :)

Friday 11 March 2016

[on this day in history, let it be remembered that I continue to find the best in myself.]

I worked today from 11-3:15, came home and helped my sister with dinner, then I ate a snack, starting to study afterwards. Before the sun set, my mom, sister, and I went on a walk with the dog - she was so happy!!! - then I sat down again to try and study. But I'm struggling with depression again.
I found it so hard just now to focus on the studying I need to get done, to memorize the pharmacology that I need to know. I just couldn't keep it together. I am frustrated with myself because I can't figure out the best way to handle this.
I realize that we all have our good days and our bad days. We all carry our own burdens. I know mine is no heavier or lighter than the next person's. My burden might seem light to someone else. But I don't ever doubt that the next person's burden isn't as heavy to carry as mine is for me. Because, even if I do know what that person is going through, for that person, it may be one of the heaviest things in the world.
But that's beside the point. It seems like that more days than not, I am just empty. Or feeling alone, hopeless, numb, whatever. And I hate it because I am letting my depression get the best of me. Which isn't healthy. I know it isn't. But I just have no motivation or will to change it.
I hate myself for even allowing it to ever control me. I know it's a mental issue, and the brain is a muscle. So, we should treat mental illness like we treat problems we have with our muscles. But, with mental illness, it's so much harder to deal with it. Because mind over matter, mind controls our bodies and how we perceive reality. But if something infects our mind, it alters our reality, it alters the way we think.
I just feel like ... I'm letting my depression defeat me. Sometimes it's not so hard to defeat depression. I tell myself I'm a good person, compassionate, caring, empathetic, loving. I find the good within me and I feel better. I move on. If that doesn't work, I listen to music or write, or find a different way to escape reality until I feel like I've defeated my depression for the moment, not the other way around.
But there are days where it seems depression is defeating me. And I just feel so lost, or sad, or self-hating.... until I feel numb, until I can't feel anything anymore.... until I'm empty. Then I'm just a shell, going through the motions, not even caring that there's a life that I have to live. That there's experiences out there that I'll be missing if I don't just "snap out of it."
What I hate is that society stigmatizes mental illness, and tells us that we SHOULD just "snap out of it" and go on with our lives. It's like telling color blind people to "just see colors" or a paraplegic to "just go walk" and you'll be okay. No, we help the color blind and the paraplegic and the diabetic and the handicapped.... But society won't de-stigmatize those of us with mental illnesses we can't see.
I don't know. Today is just an off day, and I hope tomorrow is better. But right now? I just feel numb. Completely empty. There's just nothing there. At all....
Well, it's almost dinner time. I better go help set the table and help get dinner together....
Have a good night, blogisphere.

Thursday 10 March 2016

[how the time past away, all the troubles that we gave... -Daughtry||September]

Good evening, blogisvere!!!
so, sometime in the past month and a half was my 24th birthday. nothing spectacular. just all kinds of whatnots, I guess. I started back at Panera, where it's been absolutely hectic. we started Panera 2.0.... better customer service, more crazy what the f**k, more useless bogusness that we don't really need. but that's just my humble opinion. i'm studying for this exam still, and haven't gotten very far. i'm having issues with the pharmacology. it's a pain in the ass, but i'll get it. eventually.
I have finally figured out who my friends aren't, and i'm moving on with my life. focusing on myself right now, because i'm the only one i'll have forever, quite frankly. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't need fake people as my "friends". it gets old pretty quickly, in my opinion. and if they're just there for the good stuff, are they really friends? I didn't think so.
I am also looking for a pharmacy technician job now, hopefully will get one soon. I hope that it will work out, because I didn't go to school for seven months for absolutely nothing at all. yeesh. after I start, maybe i'll go back to school. I will save up money. maybe get another tattoo. definitely take a trip somewhere. do some more writing because I haven't written in about a month or so, and I feel terrible. we'll see what happens.
this post is unbearably short today, guys, and i'm sorry. but I have to study and unfortunately, this isn't studying. but hopefully more this weekend, as I have Saturday off again. so WAHOO!!!
have a good Thursday evening, enjoy it with the family, and enjoy this moderately decent weather we're getting!!!!
mucho love-o!!! xoxo!!

Tuesday 26 January 2016

(just random thoughts.... inspirational, humbling, a random blurb of late night thoughts.... feel free to pass it in, for whatever it's worth, to someone who may need it.)

There's really nothing like it,
Nothing like looking at the stars,
Seeing them and realizing that one day,
Long ago,
You were once stardust....
Just tiny particles floating in space.
Just stop and think,
Appreciate it.
We're all destined for greatness.
When it comes right down to it,
We were written in the stars.
Maybe not now.
But we were once.
Because we are great,
Greater than what society leads us to believe,
Greater than we allow ourselves to believe.
Despite being just the smallest blip in the world's history,
Not even a particle of dust compared to the whole, wide Universe,
We're just as great.
After all, we are nothing but stardust,
Created from the heart of the Universe.