The absolute worst feeling in the world is fearing that you don't have enough years in your life to realize your dreams, but not having the energy to do anything. It's not wanting to leave your house, let alone your room, because you don't want to go through talking with people, and telling yourself you don't really deserve to have a good time anyways. It's the fear of failing, but not caring. It's the fear of not having enough time to figure out what you want to do, but telling yourself you'll fail anyways, so what's the point?
It's having anxiety and being depressed at the same time. It's something that I struggle with every day. Knowing that I have to find a job, asking myself 'What if I don't find one?", but telling myself that I don't really deserve to have a good life, nor would anyone want to hire me anyways. It's being a crowd of people and being afraid that I'll say something wrong because I have social anxiety, but also just wanting to sit in the corner and stop caring about the world around me.
Maybe that's why I didn't try in school when I went to college. I was so scared of failing, of not being good enough of a student, that I wanted to do well, but telling myself that I am already too much of a screw up, so why try?
I sabotage everything that I do because I can't figure out how to navigate through these thoughts and emotions. It's sabotaging all my past relationships because I can't figure out which disorder is screwing me up more. Do I worry too much about what other people think about my life that I don't want to socialize? Do I ruin my personal relationships because I don't care enough to put any energy in?
Or maybe it's the anxiety talking...
I've wanted to write a post for the past couple days, but I didn't have the energy....
... which definitely the depression talking.
Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days. I get like three or four hours of studying in, then about five hours of job searching, with maybe some cleaning around the house and going to the gym... potentially have plans for the evening. Things click, and I have energy and motivation for everything, not really caring about what people think or how they react to me.
But then there are the days that I wake up, and just stare at the ceiling, thinking, I don't really have the energy to get up, I'm not really smart enough to pass this exam, I don't want to talk to people, what was I thinking when I first woke up? Why do I have to deal with today? I hate talking to people, I hate people, I don't have the energy, NO NO NO!!!
And then there are the days where it's just the depression. I'll sit in front of my book and notebook, telling myself that it's not really worth it. I'm not good enough to pass this exam anyway. Or I'll be in front of my computer, looking at online job search sites, and tell myself, meh, I don't have the energy for this, so I'll just sit here and stare at the screen, just randomly clicking stuff without reading anything. Then a friend will text me, asking me if I'm free, but telling him/her that maybe not tonight, maybe next time, because I just don't care. I just don't have the energy to get out of my pajamas.
Or the days where it's just the anxiety. Reading everything in my book because I worry that I don't know enough at all, or looking on those same websites, clicking on everything that I think is a good match, but thinking that I don't really want to have to go through the interview, because am I really a people person? NO!, my mind will scream at me. Most DEFINITELY not!!!! Then wondering whether I'm insane through putting myself through this. And having friends call me, asking to do something, I'm just like.... I don't want people to judge me, I don't want to have to put myself through that, NO!
What a vicious, exhausting, brutal cycle. And, it seems, like I can't break it.
But it's not like I can talk about it. I don't.
My sister and my mom have made it known that they're depressed, my sister more than once. Even when I wanted to, I don't know what I would say.
Even if I tried, they would be brutally honest, saying that it can't be as bad as theirs, all this extra, and what if that makes me worse?
I don't even try. I keep it to myself. Because, no matter what, it would seem like my troubles won't be as bad as theirs. They would make light of it, like it's whatever, or it's nothing. And yet, the struggle goes on, silent and cruel.
Maybe I shouldn't post this, because I don't know what people would say, and I fear that everyone will put me under the microscope, wondering what part of my mind is messed up.
But I didn't even have the energy to write this post, nor did I care to have the energy, so it would be useless if I didn't post this.
The struggle goes on, silent and cruel...
... such a vicious cycle.
"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore