here i am, wednesday morning... it's going to be a beautiful day. normally, i'd have someone to share a good day with. normally. but a friend of mine of like four years and i aren't friends anymore. and i'd be out with her, on a good day. since our friendship ended... not so much.
not gonna lie, though, my life seems better without her. i've washed my hands clean of her. and frankly, i have friends who are better than she was for the last couple months of our friendship. so, really, i didn't really lose anything. nothing at all.
i am a bit different now that i was. more closed off, more ... i wouldn't say standoff-ish, nor would i say a snob. i'm just more distant. i'm more bitter at home, more ready for a fight.
but that's a different story. home... i'm ready for a fight because i feel like i have to live the life of someone i'm not and it's not fair. i am who i am and i don't want someone to change it. especially my parents. i don't want to change for people who should love me for who i am, for people who should support me for whatever i decide to do, for people who shouldn't want to change me.
i know i sound spoiled, i know i sound like a brat. but it's how i feel. i don't like being boxed in. i don't like having to follow rules i don't think are fair. i don't want to be sculpted into someone i am not. because that isn't who i am. i am passionate, i am creative, i have a big personality, and to be boxed in and tied down the way i feel like at home... it just makes me more and more bitter, more and more distant and closed off. like i was after ending my friendship with my "best friend". only i am moreso now than i was before.
i want to break all bonds that hold me here. i want to lift my anchor. i want to sail away into the sunset. i wish that my bonds to the most important people - my very best friend, tabby, my other very good friend, kim, my grandmother - weren't so strong so that i could leave. but right now (disincluding the fact that i have no money), that is the biggest reason why i haven't left yet.
"everyone here hates everyone here for doing just like they do
and it's best if we all keep this quiet instead
and i couldn't tell
why everyone here was doing me like they do
i'm sorry now
and i don't know how
to get it back 2 good"