i want to thank my guest blogger, Launna, for her post yesterday. thank you for accepting this and taking the time to write here, Launna.
i know today's title isn't a song. but, for once, it goes with the feeling and what's going to be said in today's post.
it'll take a little bit of time to write today. i guess that's okay. because i feel like i've lost something. even though it's not true. not really. i had nothing to lose. nothing at all.
yesterday was the last day of carnival (obviously). i spent a couple hours there, said good bye to the people who mattered (Lindsey and Peanut) and promised to come see them in St. Claire Shores and maybe Birmingham. then i had to take mom and my grandma to the airport (thinking that i had until nine to go back and really say goodbye). i raced home, and got to the parking lot at ten to nine. it was closed and they were tearing down. thank goodness i'd already said goodbye at that point, and i'd be seeing them at the end of the week anyhow, in St. Claire Shores.
but with a promise from Peanut that he'd try to call last night (never happened... whatever, he was busy.), i had a hard time sleeping last night. and friday and saturday night, it was because i knew i didn't have much time left before they were gone that didn't help me be able to sleep. and with another promise of a phone call later this week, i should be okay. i'll be all over Peanut's ass if, come friday, i have no idea where i'm supposed to be going to see him. but, that's beside the point.
this morning, i had a field trip to Pontiac to see if they were still staying out there. nope. not a soul. i didn't see the trailers that i saw last week when i went. there wasn't anything left from the carnival in the K-Mart parking lot. there was nothing.
i came to my grandmother's empty house and starting writing my post (this was maybe half hour or 45 minutes ago.). i had plugged in my phone in the kitchen as i walked in... i went over to check my phone, because with music playing and my typing away, i woudn't've heard it from the office. i checked for any notifications or whatever... nothing. and i just broke down, bawling my eyes out. my eyes were red, i was crying so hard that i coughed and it felt like i was coughing so hard, i'd lose my stomach. that kind of stuff.
it felt like i'd lost something, even though i had nothing to lose. i realize that i had a crush on peanut (and he did kind of like me, too, but that's not the point) and i kind of got to know some of the carnies. but it wasn't like there was anything important. i didn't have a tie to any of them. not one. so, i really don't know why i feel sad or upset or numb or anything.
okay, maybe i do know why. because this is the first year that i had some sort of... not really bond with any of them but... that's the only way i can describe it as. and that's what i felt like i lost last night. a bond with a couple people. i just feel lost. i feel like someone tore my chest open and took my heart. logically, i know it's there. logically, i didn't have a strong enough bond with any one of them. logically, i didn't have enough to lose to make me this way. but... it just turned out this way, i guess. things happen, and sometimes they happen without rhyme or reason. it just is.
but... i shouldn't be this way, with the promise of going to St. Claire Shores and Birmingham. i don't have anything to lose, because i will be seeing them at least twice more within the next month. but it's the waiting, the time passing slowly, the time spent away from people that matter at least a little bit to me. which makes a bit of sense, in a way.
alright, i'm done with the sob-story post. i'll write later this week, when i don't have post-carnival depression. or, when it's lessened, at least.