I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

(let it out and let me inside. tell me things you feel you need to hide. all your secrets can't be worse than mine. so, come closer and hold me tight. ~GAROU)

i guess life is ridiculous. especially in the past week. i'm a moron. i guess six days is a long time. so, i have enough to cover.
so, since the last time i posted, steven and i decided to be together.... well, i don't know. we were officially together. exclusively. right. that lasted all of three or four days. dum di dum. last night, i talked to him. i guess i'm not exactly comfortable with being exclusively together and how fast we went into it. that's part of it. well, that's a lot of it. i find it hard to commit. i don't know why. i was the one who complained about being single and how much it sucks and everything. but when i finally went into it, i realized that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. i don't even know if i like the guy for real. i don't know, it's just ridiculous. then, i decided, maybe we could see each other, but date other people. which, really... it's kind of like being friends anyhow. but ... he did come over for Easter on sunday. so, i mean. it's not like i took it lightly to begin with. or have i been wrong? i just think that maybe it wasn't exactly what i wanted or what i thought it would be. but i knew what i was getting myself into. i don't know. it's life and i'll figure it out as the journey goes on.
so, anyways... i would say i'm single, but seeing someone. which is kind of contradictory, but that's just part of who i am. funny thing is, though, people've been thinking that we've being together for a lot longer than we acutally have been. so, i guess it's seems like we're actually a couple when we aren't. not really, anyhow. which makes everything more confusing. but i don't care. as long as i know the truth, why does it have to matter? it shouldn't. not really.
yes, since i last posted... i also picked up a couple of shifts during the week. not a bad thing, because that just means more money in my pocket. more money to save. more money for CHOCOLATE. yes, i love me some chocolate. but that's beside the point. now i have no reason to complain about having no money. because i will have money. when i get my next paycheck. not a measly 180-something dollar paycheck like i got earlier this week. whatever.
and since i last posted, people have met steven. and pretty much everyone likes him. which is weird because i don't even know i much i like him. but i guess it's a good thing because if i do choose to be with him awhile, it just means that the family accepted him already and whatnot.
anyways. the hag knows we're dating. well... she thinks we're still together together. no... we're just dating. but not exclusively. not right now. which is okay with me. because i don't think i can be exclusive yet, anyways. i need my opportunities. because right now, i'm not ready to settle down, i'm not ready to start my life like that, i don't want to start a family right now. i want to wait a few years before i start doing that. that's just me.
i don't know how i went from the hag knowing that steven and i are dating to wanting to settle down in one paragraph, but it happened... which is weird, i know. but i think i've already done that a few times by now.
anywways. anyhow. i don't know. life is life, i guess. and here i am, experiencing life and giving a first-person account of what's going on in my life. fun, fun.
uhm. i totally had something in mind to write, but i totally can't think of what i was going to say. which is really annoying. whatever. it'll come back to me when i've posted today's post and i'll be irritated, but... i'll live. like always.
so, anyways, monday night, steven and i had a fight. over text, no less. it pissed me off that he didn't seem to care that i had to talk to him monday night. he was too busy having his own life while i was waiting around for him to decide to finally want to see me. really. i would have thought i didn't matter. but when we finally did talk, i was irritated and mad about other things on top of steven completely ignoring me. so, it all kind of came out on him. but he kind of deserved some of the anger, because i had been waiting around for two hours before he looked at his phone. whatever. if i got pissed off about something that stupid so early in the relationship, how is it supposed to last? it isn't.
okie doke. i'm ranting and i had doing it. so, i'm going to stop. because that's the smart thing to do. isn't it?
don't get me wrong, i like the whole 'i have a boyfriend and i'm in a relationship' thing, but i don't think i should have thrown myself into it as fast as i did. i think that was part of the reason i wasn't quite ready to date steven. i don't know. but it makes sense.
once again.... i'm trying to go out today. my sister needs me to bring stuff up to her to the school again. i need to ... there was something else i needed to do... oh, i need to clean my room. i need to get out of my house. although i was out of the house for a few hours last night, and i am at my grandma's house right now. i just want to stay out of my house as long as i can. i just... i guess i want to be away from certain things and getting out of my house helps.
bah humbug. i feel like i should be needing something. i don't know. i feel like i should know what i want from people. i should know what i want from steven, from my parents, from my friends... all that. but i don't. i mean, i may have scratched the surface, but deep down... i just don't know. laura knows my insecurities about everything, so she knows me at least as well as i know myself. but i feel like nobody else in my life knows me that well. steven surely doesn't. my parents only know what i tell them. and that's pretty much everyone in my life. it's a self-defense mechanism, but i have to get over it. or, at least, start knocking down some walls.
i guess i'm going to stop writing. i'll write more later. if i remember or if i feel like it.
be creative. be yourself.


  1. Well, i think u should take sometime n think about what u wanna do coz....the decision that u make now will decide the future u gonna face...so be careful!! Ur relationship with Steven is damn complicated, so just separate for a while n see whether u miss him or u need him in ur life (u'll miss him n want him around u ..if u really have feeling for him...give it a try)!! I'm still single n i'm happy to be (never complained about it)...just a advice... Relationship is not a joke...so, whatever u do will affect everyone around u!!...Anyway all the best with ur love life....talk to him...fighting is good bcoz it'll help u guys to understand more about each other but don't fight often! Take a deep breath n ask this to urself " DO U LOVE HIM?? " Once again good luck!! Trust ur heart coz even it is in ur left side it always right...:D

  2. Take your time to get to know him, I don't think anyone should rush into a relationship. I have in the past and it never works out but we all learn from living life;)