Family

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance"

I hope you Dance

When Charly asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog, I was honored that she had asked me.   I found her blog on pure bloggers awhile back and I was really touched by her honesty and openness.  It is not easy to be open to judgement and saying how you really feel about life. Charly said I could write about anything, well... I want to write about family.

Mostly I want to write about how we all want and need to be accepted in our own families.  I did not grow up in the typical family; I lived with my mom until I was 6 years old and then I had no contact with her for 9 long years.  I was raised my my father and my ex step mother Ruth; there was nothing typical there.  Ruth didn't have a maternal bone in her body, she was degrading and she had no idea how to love.  For years I was angry with her for the way she had treated my sisters and myself.  It is only as I got older that I understood that she had no idea how to love as she had never been loved herself.

I did get to meet my mom when I was 15 and I lived with her for a short time.  She was amazingly good and kind to me but there was love missing there too... my mother never had love growing up either.  She, however; tried to be a good mother but lacked something herself.  I wanted desperately to be a better mother, I wanted to show love.  I knew this was going to be difficult as I myself had not had love given to me when I was growing up.

Also, I was only 17 years old when I became a mother, I must say my oldest daughter was strong and overcame my inadequacies.  I did love her though and I told her often that she was beautiful inside and out.  My youngest daughter is so loving, it is hard not to be loving towards her, I feel blessed that I have had the opportunity to be a mama at two different stages in my life.

I see how my eldest found a wonderful man who loves her and who she loves, they married each other, had their careers started, even went to Europe before they had their first child Jackson.  I see her as a wonderful and loving mommy, I am so glad that she rose above all my short failings and became the wonderful mommy that she is.  I can also see my little one being an amazing mommy too, she is just so kind and loving.. she too had to overcome my inadequacies.

Although I was not the perfect mother, I must have done something right as I have raised two strong, kind and loving children.  Also my two daughters know that I love them with everything inside me.  Isn't that all we can do?

Thank you for asking me to be a guest blogger Charly, I appreciate the opportunity!

(staring out at the rain with a heavy heart. it's the end of the world in my mind. then your voice pulls me back like a wake-up call. ~JESSE McCARTNEY)

okie doke, guys, i'mma have a guest blogger on relatively soon. :) hopefully we don't post at the same time. although, it'd be kind of cool, not going to lie.
oh, the wonderful joys of life. i worked last night and felt like i was walking on sunshine the whole night. it was great. only because i had gone to the carnival during the day and saw my carnie. and i talked to him last night. but today is their last day here. they're tearing down tonight and leaving tonight. i guess i'm going to have to keep it together long enough to go and enjoy it. but, with everyone there who's pretty damn cool, i don't know how that's going to work. i guess i'll have to go and see what happens. if i do happen to start crying, i'll go to my car and take a chill pill. i'm going to have to say good-bye, though. and hopefully see them at a different spot. hopefully. i don't know if it's going to happen, if it's going to happen. i'll figure it out.
but it already feels like they're gone, even though i know they aren't . the carnival is still set up, there are carnies getting the carnival set up. it's going to be a beautiful day... well, i don't know about beautiful, but better than yesterday, and that's all i can ask for right now. just a chance to say good-bye. and maybe collect a couple more numbers. haha, not really. i'm not that much of a dork. okay, i guess i am, but who's to say dorks aren't going to take over the world? but that's for a different post, and i won't get into that here.
but what i will get into here is how much i'm going to miss my carnies. i'll be looking out burger king for the next week, thinking WTF? because there is no carnival out in the parking lot. and that alone is a depressing thought. i don't even have to start the next week to know that it's going to be depressing. though, i will be calling Peanut a couple times a week. maybe. if that. and i've been kind of in a dazy today, anyhow. just the whole, ohmygoodness, i've gotten to know carnies and now they're leaving thing. but that's their job. going from spot to spot. even if it's not fair. i'll live.
okay, well, i have to go. it's time to go to church. have a wonderful day, guys, and i'll blog about the last carnival day tomorrow morning...
XXXOOO
~Charly

(i wasted my nights, you turned out the lights. now, i'm paralyzed. still stuck in the time when we called it love. even the sun sets in paradise. ~MAROON 5)

first time ever i've used the same song for multiple posts. i don't know if i will do it again or not. but... there it is.
anyways, tomorrow is the last day of carnival. i will cry tomorrow, five dollars on it. this is the first year that i actually got to know some of the carnival workers. this year is the first time i actually had a thing for a carnival worker. tomorrow is going to be heart breaking. for me, at least. and then, for the next year, it's back to the mundane, asshole type customers who don't know how to be polite.
it's a good thing i have the day off tomorrow, otherwise i'd be breaking down at work. i can say goodbye to everyone before they leave for good. but after their next stop in St. Clair Shores, i might be joining them, so it might not be long before i see them again. but as a carnie. :) running off in the carnival. might not be the best lifestyle, but at least, i'll be out of my house for a few months.
anyways, i don't know how or why, this year, i actually got close to the carnies. they're all nice and all. they're all dorks, of course, but they're the best people around. even though it'd be a stretch to call any of them a friend, it kind of feels like i did befriend them for the 10 days they were here. i got to learn the little ins and outs of stuff that i would not have normally known. i know things that other outsiders don't know. because nobody takes the time to say hello to any of the carnies and treat them like people. but i know how that goes. a good portion of my customers at burger king think that because i don't have a good education and/or give them a service that i am subhuman. and that's bullshit. so, i am a fellow sufferer. so... i did take the time to hold conversations with them and got to know a few of them. because i'm nice.
and really, they are nice, too. it's a crazy mash up of people and i guess it fits. but there are, like, three or four that are my favorite. Jeremy (a.k.a. Peanut. i know, i rolled my eyes the first couple of times i heard people call him that, but i started picking it up.), who has blue hair, is totally funny. and he's the carnie i sort of have feelings for. i like that dork. he'd be my type if he weren't a carnie (i can't help it. i like dorks.). There's Robert (a.k.a. Beast. i don't know why, really), who is totally awesome and kind of hot. not my type really. but still kind of hot. Lindsey (way cool lesbian who has a girlfriend. don't go hating. she is pretty cool) is fun. i like her best. she knows be a bit better than Peanut (see above if you've forgotten) and i talk to him more often than i do Lindsey. whatever. lol. and then there's Josh who is kind of ... i don't know. he's weird. i don't associate with him when i can. and then there's Teshia (i think that's her name...) who is a sweetheart. we talked now and again since the carnival's been in town. she's with Erik, another cool carnie who helped me win a couple cool prizes at his game. and then there's Jody, who's another way cool chickadee. and Frank! he's a funny guy.
so, as you can see, i've spent way too much time at the carnival. and this is why i will be heartbroken when the carnival closes tomorrow. hopefully, i'll be there at close, so that i can say goodbye to the people who matter most (Peanut, Beast, Lindsey, Teshia and Erik, Jody, and Frank). but the last year went by kind of fast, i guess. even though the next year will be a bit longer, because this year, i've met some totally cool, kick ass people. ugh.
okay, well, i'm signing off now. i have nothing more to say. i hope i don't start bawling tomorrow, is all i'm saying.
XXXOOO, love you all lots.
~Charly

(even sun sets in paradise. i'm at a payphone, trying to call home. all of my change i spent on you. ~MAROON 5)

otay (ugh, damn carnies are wearing on me.... i don't care much, they're all cool... and, well, there's a story... it's coming.... just read.)... well. i have been going to the carnival every day it was open (wasn't open yesterday, it rained all day). but it's been fun so far. the last day it's around is sunday. :/ anyhow... saturday, i went to the carnival (of course...) and a carnie asked me for my number. i thought nothing of it, right? it wasn't four days after i ended it with steven and, well, it was just a guy who wanted my number. well, we've been texting and calling each other since saturday. and ... since the carnies didn't have to work... and i got off early from work because we were slow... and some of the carnies came to our burger king... i went to hang out with him. and, well... i went to drop him off at the bunks/mobile homes in a fricking parking lot twenty minutes away and chilled with him there.... and, well. he kissed me. now, i realize that they are leaving monday, and that i won't see this guy ever again but... well, i kind of like this guy. by this time next month, i'll have forgotten about him and moved on. it really won't matter.... but crap. i knew this last wednesday that they weren't going to be around for more than two weeks. why didn't i be smarter? i have no idea. i'm just crazy. and weird. and completely lost my mind.
...
well, hopefully it won't be the end of this. but... i don't think that i will be able to keep this up. i don't know. i have until sunday to figure this out. thats.... (wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday) five days from now. i like how i had to count it out, lol. i digress.
i want to keep being with him, but how can we be together? at all? i mean, he leaves monday, and i am left here, all alone, while girls keep throwing their numbers at him. who knows? maybe at another stop, he'll find someone else. i can't stop thinking about that and it might be the reason we won't ever have a real relationship. if we ever have a relationship to begin with.
well, i'm just plain dumb. i better go before i dig myself into a deeper hole. why didn't i learn anything from last year? (last year, a different carnie kind of had a thing for me, but i didn't think too much of it... just thought, hey, cool, a carnie has a thing for me and i kinda like him... but nowhere near to the extent of how i like this carnie... ugh!!!)
XXXOOO, have a good day!!! <3

(starships are meant to fly. hands up and touch the sky. can't stop 'cause we're so high. let's do this one more time. ~NICKI MINAJ)

it's saturday. the carnival came earlier this week and opened thursday. i went thursday and friday. :) totally amazing. i know i'm 20, i know that i'm an adult, etc. but i love when the carnival is in town. some of the carnies from last year came back. well, there are a few from a few years ago that keep coming back. but what i meant was that i recognize some from last year because they all came to burger king last year. and i'm still at burger king, so some of them are familiar (and thankfully still with the carnival). they are all pretty much South African (kinda cool, though, if i do say so myself) and they are some of the sweetest people i know. well, not that i know, but that i interact with on a daily basis for the two weeks that they are in Rochester (may i add that the carnival is literally right in our parking lot... well the parking lot we share with the K-Mart in the strip mall behind us.). it's the carnival. it spices up the mundane, every day icky-ness of burger king. it's nice because it breaks the expected nasty-ness and hatefulness of other customers. and right now, i can't complain because we are getting so much more business because, like i said, it's right in our parking lot and customors of the carnival can walk to burger king in less than two minutes and the carnies basically live off of burger king while they work. not only that, but a lot of them recognize me from burger king, so when i do go, they say hello. and if i go alone, i won't feel so alone, because someone will stop and ask me how i'm doing. which isn't so bad, because they know who i am. well, know who i am from where i work. :)
anyways, i had to work two brutal shifts... thursday and friday i had to work at seven a.m. not the nicest shifts that i can work, but what i can say is that it's money and i can't complain too much for it. as long as i can be there and get paid for it, it's not too bad. especially with the new management (and hopefully someone on management will be leaving soon, thank goodness.). so, it'll be nice the sooner things can change. but i mean, i don't like it any more than i did three months ago. well, just a teeny bit, but only for the reason that it's not so stressing. plus, with being so busy right now, we don't have time to think of anything else BUT being busy. so, it's like, well, we have no choice but to work together as a team and do our shit.
anyways, i went to the carnival last with with Helene and Luke. we spent, like, four hours there. helene and i spent about twenty minutes talking to carnies. it was funny because they'd be talking some African language and we'd go and talk in French. and we'd make fun of each other while talking to each other. it was funny. well, i thought it was. but that's just me being ridiculous. whatever. right? hey, they got to see a side of me that wasn't the work side. Luke was hanging out with some friends, and had fun despite the fact that he didn't want to stay as long as we were there for. whatever, whatever. i loved it. i loved being there, i loved talking to the people i saw every day anyways, i loved just the whole carnival scene. it was like a party. party, party, party.
BUT, but but...
i have a work story. kind of funny, but whatever. there's this girl at work who is a lesbian. it's weird. i know she's a girl, i know she's not straight, whatever. and i was flirting with her, and yesterday she said a joke to me about me, and i was like "i don't like you at all." she said, "well, you don't flirt with people you like." i was thinking, like, whatever. i just have to back off. if something happens, it happens. and that's that.
anyways, wednesday night i ended it with steven for good. i couldn't still be with him when i didn't feel anything more that him being my friend. and he seemed to like me more that i liked him. and it wasn't fair for me to be with him still when it was so stilted. that's how i felt about it. plus, there were other people that i had more feelings for. which made it even more unfair for him. it wasn't right. not at all. i couldn't be with him and feel something more for someone else. it just wasn't nice. at all.
well, i have to go. mom wants me home and i need to go so i can be home on time.
have a wonderful day, and until next time. XXXOOO...

(my heart's a stereo. it beats for you, so listen close. hear my thoughts in every note. make me your radio. turn me up when you feel low. this melody was meant for you. so, sing along to my stereo. ~ADAM LEVINE

so, it's monday... back to the mundane-ness of it all. i'm back home, with my own dog and my family (rolling my eyes.... my dad's being that buttface he usually is when i'm home.... ugh!). i'm back in my own bed with my TEDDY BEAR!!!! (yes, i am twenty years old and still sleep with a teddy bear... but this teddy is real important to me... he's as big as a pillow. my brother got him for me about six years ago, and i totally love him. <3 best christmas give ever. like... ever. if you want to beat it, get me a bigger teddy.) i'm such a dork. :)
anyways, yesterday my parents' friends' daughter celebrated her First Communion and we went to her house after church for some celebrating... (celebrationning... whichever). funness. i also locked myself out of my cousin's house yesterday to realize that i only used the slide-y lock thing on the back door that i managed to open by openning the door and almost chopping my arm in half trying to undo. it was pretty hilarious, if i do say so myself.
and today is monday, like i said. i work 11 to 4. i have tomorrow off. i work 11 to 7 wednesday, 7 to 3 on thursday and 7 to 4 on friday. then 6pm to 12am saturday. like... wait, what? right, i have no idea. but i'm getting one more hour this week than i did last week. not too many complaints. well, i did get 36 hours last week because i made a mistake and said four when i was supposed to leave at three. because i'm a dimwit.
lemme see... steven wants to go out tomorrow night. i don't know what to feel about him anymore. i feel like he and i are friends... not really a couple. even though we are a couple. i don't know if it's fair to him that i'm still with him. especially since my old neighbor broke up with her boy-toy and i'm maybe hoping for something with her. i mean, i really do like her. and despite me denying it, yeah. i do like her. (there, it's out.... can't fight with it now.) and i don't know what i should do about steven. i mean, yea, i've committed to him. but that doesn't change the way i feel about him. i don't know why, but i have more feelings for my old neighbor than i do for him. i don't know how to explain it any more than that. i just... i'm just split between trying to keep it up with steven or ending it with him and going for her. i  just don't know what i should do. i guess i'd be an ass if i left him for her. and i know it's not his fault, but it's not like it hasn't happened to me. and another dilemma is that i don't know if she plays for my team, if you know what i mean. i know, i am an equal opportunity dater (okay, guys, i'm bisexual... suck it up or go home)... but still, i don't know if she'll date me. i know.... just ask. but i mean... is this what a guy goes through when he wants to ask a girl out? well, not exactly, but close, right?
i don't know if she'll like me, i don't know if she'd want to date me... do i stink? am i her type? is there something stuck in my teeth? oh crap.... did i remember deoderant this morning? wait... back on track... if she does like me, how much? just as a friend or does she have a crush on me? ... god, if guys think like this all the time, then i'm glad that i can go either way... but that makes it more difficult, huh? whatever.
well, i gotta go. i have to go to work soon. i also wanna eat something before work so i don't pass out by the end of my five hour shift... so...
have a good monday (haha, funny joke...). love you all. XXXOOO!

(it's alright, i survived, i'm alive again. [...] what's the use if you're killing time? ~JESSE McCARTNEY)

^^i was thirteen when that song first came out... completely forgotten song until recently. i loved it then, and i love it now. it's totally an awesome song (Because You Live). wow, it's been a long time since i've heard this song. like, years.
anyways, i got about twelve hours of sleep. well deserved, if you ask me. i was exhausted last night... to the point where i couldn't keep my eyes open. my schedule was kind of brutal. but i'm back in rochester next week, for good. well, until i am asked to house-sit again. but i don't mind. it's a nice place and there are animals and everything. the dog is growing on me. i might have to take him home. but he is the biggest cry baby. i left him outside too long this morning, and he was sitting outside the door, whining like a puppy because i'd left him outside. he wanted to make sure that i didn't forget about him. i didn't. how could i? he was making so much noise.
oh well. lol.
i might be going to the mall later. i'm going to have to stop by the house (i'm in rochester at the moment) and let the dog out, make sure he has water and whatnot, before i do. because i am just that awesome. laura and my sister are going and helene (my sister) has to work. i have to get new shoes for work because the ones i have are starting to get old and giving me problems. i've only had them for a few months, but the heels are worn almost to the sole of the shoe and i need better support.
i have to go to the court monday and clear my ticket. it's been signed, got the registration and plates renewed... just have to get cleared. and i won't get a fine!! yes... i can't afford a fine. not right now. not when i just started going full time. i need that money for insurance, for gas, for paying the 'rentals back. you know, all that good stuff. i'm lucky i hadn't gotten a ticket for speeding and/or no seatbelt. that would have been brutal. i'm happy it was just the plates. i'm sooooo happy it was just that. i wouldn't've been able to afford anything else. that, and i'm lucky i can get it cleared. phew. no sweat. i think...
anyways. i don't know. the schedule isn't up for next week yet. i can't wait for it. the CARNIVAL starts may 3rd and it's going to be funfunfun!!! all the carnies and all the extra business we're going to get is going to be wonderful! it's going to be epic. it's going to be amazing. lol. sorry, i'm just that excited for it. i can't wait. obviously. i mean..... really, i can't wait.
i am also thanking my lucky stars that i'm not working with bitchtina anymore, either. it's been a bit easier because i don't have to worry about her bitching at me, or her being high as a kite on second and being a total bitch the next. the only downside to that is......... i work with sue's 'pet', jules. who is anal about everything. every. thing. like, "stock your fridge" or "stock your cups" or "do a sweep" or, or, or..... just shup up, bitch. i know how to do my job, i've been here a year and a half. it's not like i just started this week. hell, no. i've been there for 16 months on the fifth of may. like, really? don't treat me like i'm new. thank you and have a damn nice day.
right.
anyways.
i think i'm done for today. :)
have a wonderful day, and an amazing weekend. love you all!!
<3 <3 <3 <3