I hope what I write about life touches you in some way. I hope that what I go through helps you live life a little bit easier. I hope the words written here helps change something for the better. Read on, dear friends. Read on, and help me like I hope I help you.

Friday, 24 August 2012

(love isn't obligation. it is unconditional.)

there. my six word story. frankly, though, it does seem like the story of my life.
every day, when i am home and not working, it's like... everyone wants me to be this perfect, wonderful and awesome person who does exactly what they want me to do. just for them to love me. i'm just irritated with the fact that i can't be myself. it's... i can't make a mistake without having someone be up my ass about every damn little thing that goes wrong.
i feel like i can't do anything wrong. if i do, then it's like .... it's like that i get ripped apart for something stupid. even when i try my damndest, i get shit for it.
i feel like my family (parents, my sister....) love me because they feel like they are obligated to love me. because i live in the same house, because i'm related to them. but it feels like as soon as i leave the house, that i'll be forgotten... not forgotten, but just a memory from the past. just someone that didn't matter anymore. because i am someone who doesn't matter, i won't be part of this family anymore as soon as i am out of here.
i don't know, i just feel like i am the outsider of the family. i am only loved because i am related to the people in the same house as me, and it isn't all that far. because i work my ass off to be someone here, and it's not good enough.
however, i have a group of friends now who can replace my family. it's like... almost as soon as i am out of my parents' house, i'll step out of one family and step into another. my friend, ashleyy, is like the older sister i never had, that i wish i had. her friends accepted me more easy that any other person i know. it's like a family of people that don't judge, that love each other unconditionally.
i think the difference between my old family and my new "family" is that i don't have to try to be someone i'm not, i don't have to work my ass off to try and do everything perfectly like i have to at my parents' house. my new family... they see me for who i am and they love me. my old family... they see me and see someone who they can mold into what they want, someone they can try to make perfect, in their eyes.
i'm just... i guess i'm so sick and tired of waiting for my parents to be okay with who i am, warts and all. i'm tired of them telling who i can and can't be. i'm ready to have people accept me for who i am, who can love me for me, not for what i can do for them, but what is underneath the mask i wear every day.
i would rather be loved unconditionally for who i am, warts and all, than loved just for what i can do for someone.
... and there's my six word memoir, guys.
have a nice night.

1 comment:

  1. It seems like our family is harder on us than our friends. I know how you feel Charly, I too feel like that with my family. I've always felt like the outsider, lately I feel that they think I'm so much of a screw up. I too just want people to love me for who I am. Great six word post, I hope mine is as good!