(God knows that I've tried seeing the bright side, but I'm not blind anymore. -Katy Perry

I don't know how to say it.... But I HAVE A NEW JOB! I don't know if I mentioned it before; as it is, I am just excited that I won't have to be in that hell hole any more... I'm just sad that if I leave sooner rather than later, I might leave before Ashely. And I know that she'll be okay and all. But she's like the older sister I've never had. It's like a comfort. I don't know. Ashely and I are close... And she knows things about me that Laura never knew about me. I'll talk to her about everything that's important to me... and anything that's not. And, quite honestly... her personality, her acceptance of me is something refreshing, something that I didn't get from Laura or anyone else. But I guess... I mean, I don't know. I just don't know if I can consciously leave and know that she's still at Burger King, working her ass off for a job where what she does is only noticed by maybe a small amount of crew and the managers.
But, like I said, she's older than me and she should be okay; well, I hope she'll be okay.
Anyhow, Monday, Tuesday and today, I had orientation and training, all for which I got paid for. So, I'm going to get my first DIRECT DEPOSIT on Friday, next week; I'll still have to pick up a pay stub so that I know how much went into my account, but I won't have to go to the bank, or cash my check... all that good stuff that I have to do at Burger King. I'm getting paid better, I'm working in a better environment. It's all good. I am so happy that I can get out of my old job. Thank God.... It's about damn time; I've been at Burger King for 22 months and it's about time that I get out of there.
Anyhow, withing the past week or so, Helene got herself a boyfriend, about three years older than her. He seems like a nice guy; he's someone she works with, so she's already comfortable with the guy. No qualms there. She seems happy, so I won't say anything; although, there is that little he smokes pot issue, but I don't have problems with that. If you want to smoke pot, go ahead; I can't stop you. It IS your choice to smoke, and smoking pot IS healthier for you than smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. What I don't get is that marijuana is illegal, but alcohol and cigarettes aren't...
BUT... Like I said, what you want to do is your choice and I won't make a stink about it, unless you are harming yourself or others around you. I won't stand for that; I would rather see you live by getting a designated driver that see you crash and die... or kill someone else and see you live with that guilt all your life. All that good stuff.
I'm still planning on moving out within the next month or two. Still planning on moving in with Ashely, because she still has her door open. And, quite frankly, that way is so much cheaper than trying to find my own apartment. I'd rather take that route and have the chance to save up more so that I CAN get a better place. But I also have to weigh all my options. Whatever works best for me, right?
I'm still feeling like the black sheep of my family; still feeling like... I don't know, like my family still has problems with me.
About that... Sunday night, my dad made me get my planner from upstairs and right down everything I was doing for the week... and then he went even further and said that I had to get my planner signed every day by my mom. Um... Excuse me? I am twenty years old; I do NOT need someone signing a planner that I write every week. I don't need someone looking over my shoulder every second of the day, making sure that I do everything I say I am going to do. Usually when I don't get to something, I either haven't had the time to do something or I was working all day and I want some time for myself to relax and unwind from the long and very stressful day that I had. How fucking stupid (and really, I am sorry for dropping the F bomb, I normally wouldn't. I don't really want to drop that, but in this case, I think it kind of is called for) is that? I mean, seriously. People, I am twenty years old, not ten. I'm not in elementary school, where both the teachers and the parents had to sign your planner, so they know that everyone agrees and acknowledges what is going on.
It's things like that that makes me not want to be in this house anymore. I'm a grown ass woman, and I decide what I want to do in my life. That means that I don't need every damn body to examine and scrutinize every damn thing I do with my life. Grow up and let me be the person I am meant to be.... Seriously.
Okay, well, I think I'm done rambling about my daily issues, ramblings and thoughts. All of you all have a very nice evening.
~Charly

(We're all angels that fall from grace. So, you don't have to hide your face from me. It's the burden you won't lay down. It's the guilt that you carry around. You can see it coming, but somehow you can't seem to avoid it, avoid this. ~Garou)

today was okay, i guess. my cousin had her wedding shower this afternoon and it was pretty fun, i guess. although, five seconds after i walk into the house, i had my other cousin's baby in my arms. and she said that she wasn't surprised, that i was like my mom in that respect (that i'm the baby whisperer... lol. what can i say? something i got right from my grandparents, thanks). anyhow, it was quite an afternoon because it was an almost hour and a half drive to get to where we were going. i didn't get home until six.
however, i was also trying to go out with some people this evening, but i didn't. well. one person. and he was too much of an asshole to text me back. i don't care, i'm watching Zorro! well, it's called The Mask of Zorro, but still. i grew up watching that. i LOVE it.
i was really kind of irritated with my father today. this afternoon, he said that i couldn't go to the wedding shower that i was invited to unless my bedroom floor was clean. hello, first of all, i am twenty years old, and secondly, i was invited. and third of all, i am twenty years old. i totally did not need him to tell me what i had to do before i left for a wedding shower. i also had all day tomorrow to clean my room. and then, all evening, every time i would say something in English, he kept saying "what?" in French. like, dude, it's not like you don't understand English, you've only been in the States for eighteen years, and your wife is American and speaks English as well. ass.
i hate it when he's like that because it irks me. it pisses me off to no end. it makes me want to stick a pointy stick up his ass to make him understand how much of a pain in my ass he is, but he still won't get it. whatever, peole are asswipes and don't know how to treat people right.
i guess that i have nothing to write about.
however, dear readers, i hope you have luck with your six word memoirs, and that i can read a few soon. have a nice night.
~Charly

(love isn't obligation. it is unconditional.)

there. my six word story. frankly, though, it does seem like the story of my life.
every day, when i am home and not working, it's like... everyone wants me to be this perfect, wonderful and awesome person who does exactly what they want me to do. just for them to love me. i'm just irritated with the fact that i can't be myself. it's... i can't make a mistake without having someone be up my ass about every damn little thing that goes wrong.
i feel like i can't do anything wrong. if i do, then it's like .... it's like that i get ripped apart for something stupid. even when i try my damndest, i get shit for it.
i feel like my family (parents, my sister....) love me because they feel like they are obligated to love me. because i live in the same house, because i'm related to them. but it feels like as soon as i leave the house, that i'll be forgotten... not forgotten, but just a memory from the past. just someone that didn't matter anymore. because i am someone who doesn't matter, i won't be part of this family anymore as soon as i am out of here.
i don't know, i just feel like i am the outsider of the family. i am only loved because i am related to the people in the same house as me, and it isn't all that far. because i work my ass off to be someone here, and it's not good enough.
however, i have a group of friends now who can replace my family. it's like... almost as soon as i am out of my parents' house, i'll step out of one family and step into another. my friend, ashleyy, is like the older sister i never had, that i wish i had. her friends accepted me more easy that any other person i know. it's like a family of people that don't judge, that love each other unconditionally.
i think the difference between my old family and my new "family" is that i don't have to try to be someone i'm not, i don't have to work my ass off to try and do everything perfectly like i have to at my parents' house. my new family... they see me for who i am and they love me. my old family... they see me and see someone who they can mold into what they want, someone they can try to make perfect, in their eyes.
i'm just... i guess i'm so sick and tired of waiting for my parents to be okay with who i am, warts and all. i'm tired of them telling who i can and can't be. i'm ready to have people accept me for who i am, who can love me for me, not for what i can do for them, but what is underneath the mask i wear every day.
i would rather be loved unconditionally for who i am, warts and all, than loved just for what i can do for someone.
... and there's my six word memoir, guys.
have a nice night.
~Charly

(Challenge)

I have a challenge for all you bloggers. I was on smithmag.net and they were talking about 6 word memoirs. Now, my challenge for all of you is to make a post, the title being your 6 word memoir, and the post telling the story of that. I will do this, however, I don't have a decent 6 word memoir thought up yet. I hope you will rise the the challenge and do something amazing!!! I have faith in all of you.
Good luck,
Charly

(que l'amour est violent/mais violent par dedans/l'amour est violent/violent comme un volcan/violent par dedans. ~Garou)

^^that song is amazing. it's called Que L'Amour Est Violent. It's by Garou. i LOVE this song. my grandmother had Garou's CD "Seul" and i inherited it from her when we cleaned her house out over the weekend. i've been listening to a few songs, like this one and Au Plaisir de ton Corps and Je N'Attendais Que Vous. (Translations: Love is Violent, To the Pleasure of Your Heart, and I Only Have Been Waiting for You)
however... i'm pretty damn excited. i have a new job now, thank god. i'll be working at Busch's, and if you all don't know, it's a grocery store. i'll only be working at burger hell-hole king weekends and working during the week at Busch's. and i'm getting my car fixed, hopefully within the next week. hopefully, by the end of the week next week, i'll have my car. i'll be moving out within the next month, most likely. i'll be paying for the car to make it really mine, putting the insurance in my name and the phone in my name. i won't be able to quit the hell hole for a couple months, at least, so that i can do that, but i will be happier now, because i have another job and will be working LESS at burger king. thank god.
anyhow, my parents and i still aren't seeing eye to eye about how i'm living my life. i'm trying to live my life by being me. and my parents are all up in my shit, trying to make me "evolve" into someone they think is an independent person. well, in my eyes, their definition and mine are different. i have two jobs, i am paying a loan i took out to fix my car, i'm getting my car fixed again, i'm trying to do my own stuff, paying out my own bills. dude, and i'm not independent? okay. that's what i thought.
anyhow... now that i know that my days at burger king are numbered, i finally realized that there are going to be people that i'll miss. i won't miss the job, but i'll miss a few people. they are what made working at bk somewhat worthwhile. but... even though i'm going to miss them, i need to get out of there, and thank got it's sooner than later. i've waited too long to get a new job.
anyways, i think i'm going to go to Dairy Queen with my little brother. i told him i'd take him out as a treat. so, i think it's about time for me to get a move on and take him out.
have a nice night, guys!
~Charly

Words to Live By

don't pass judgement. your life is no better or worse than mine, so you have no right to.
don't act better than everyone. you are no better or worse than everyone else, so who gave you the right to be holy?
don't love out of obligation or love conditionally. you'll just get let down more often than not.
don't be afraid to love with all your heart. even if you get hurt, it's something that makes magic.
take into account what others feel. if you don't, then the only feeling others will have for you is anger.
don't stop someone from being him- or herself. because if you do, (s)he lose him- or herself to be someone else.
don't be afraid of failure. because if you never fail, you never learn.
have a drive. it'll get you places in life that you've never thought possible.
have a friend you can trust and love wholeheartedly. it makes life so much easier.
stop looking at the clock with the time we have left. if you're afraid of dying, you don't have much of a life.
don't be afraid of living. you have so much going for you to not live.
be thankful for all the good things in your life. you don't know what you have until it's gone.
when you fall, get back up. it just tells whatever knocked you down to f*ck off.
live like you are dying. because you don't know how many tomorrows you have left in your life.
don't regret your destination. it's where you are meant to be, even if the journey was hard.

(i'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay. but tell me, please, would you one time just let me be myself, so i can shine with my own light? let me be myself. would you let me be myself? ~3 Doors Down)

^^and frankly, i have to agree with the title of today's post... and my previous post, as well.
it's like... my parents have this, this picture or whatever of how they want me to be. their version of me. you know, what they want me to be. all this shit. and when i am not like this "perfect" version of me they hold in their heads, i'm... i'm not who i am?
okay, well, my parents need to realize that i am never going to be that person they have in their heads. that's who they want me to be. i am not them, i won't ever (EVER) be them. i may have some of their traits or whatever, but i am not my parents. i won't be what they want to mold me into. because that is not who i am. i am not this perfect being that knows exactly what i am doing when, who knows exactly what she wants now, tomorrow and in three years. i know what i want with some vague sense that it will come.
i know i have to work for what i want, i know i need to change the way i do things. but i am not going to be this "perfect version" of myself that my parents want me to be. because, in their heads, i am someone who is just like my parents. i am not like my parents.
i know who i am. i am a creative, loving and empathetic person. i go through life, not neccessarily knowing what i want to do in three years. i know that in the somewhat near future, i want to get out of my parent's house and do some traveling. i know that i not only want, but also need, a new job. i want to be able to be my own damn person without someone over my shoulder, trying to make me into someone i'm not.
i don't want to be molded into someone i'm not. i don't want to be anything like my parents want me to be. i am not their toy or Barbie doll or whatever. i am an individual person, with my own set of values. i have my own take on what goes on, my own opinions, my own feelings. i don't need somoene else's values or whatever jammed into my head. my head is not in sync with my parents' because i don't agree with how they want me to be. i am one person who, i agree, comes from them. but i am my own person.
one person. just one. me. and i don't need people telling me how to be, how to think, how to act... because i know who to be. i need to be who i want to be. and that doesn't include what my parents want me to be, to be honest.
i just think that maybe it's time for me to get out of here and get myself into my own place. because this is getting ridiculous.
have a nice day, guys.
~Charly