(i don't want to be lonely no more. i don't want to have to pay for this. i don't want to know the lover at my door. it's just another heartache on my list. i don't want to be angry no more. you know i could never stand for this. so, when you tell me you love me, know for sure. ~ROB THOMAS)

what a funk i'm in. yes, i realize it's late. yes, i do know i've never posted this late before. i do know that i haven't written a real post since.... monday. almost a week. but i can't find words for how i feel right now. for the past week. or was it sunday that i last posted? i have no idea. i guess what happened was we wouldn't get attatched. sadly, i kind of did. and now, i'm sitting here, feeling hollow. we've only talked sporadically since monday. but now... i feel like i should just get over it. i know it'd be better. i know that it'd be easier.
i just don't know anymore. i've been weird all week. i guess it's just this whole thing. i am done with it, though. even though i don't know how to let it go. i got a taste of a way of life that seems thrilling and fun. and i shared it with my best friend, her boyfriend and a guy that could have meant something to me. i just want to cry. what good would that do? none. right.
there is another guy that could potentially help me get my mind off this guy. he works at my local kroger. his name is todd. i went in last week to do some grocery shopping (obviously) and i went to the produce to get, well, produce, and he was back there, putting stuff away. he asked where i'd been and i told him that i've been working and hadn't had the time to go grocery shopping in awhile. not another soul noticed or said anything at all like that to me who works there. he might just be friendly, though. i'm just saying that he's been kind of a constant. partly (ok, mostly) because he works at kroger and i go there often enough. and partly because there isn't anything romantic about the relationship (wait, what relationship? there is no relationship....). but whatever. i smile when i see him, without thinking. he's easy to talk to. someone that i might want to get to know.
it's just hope, though... (wow, pretty much that whole paragraph, i hardly thought about the first guy... huh....). hope that it might go somewhere, hope that we could be friends (maybe something more???). hope that maybe ... just whatever. whatever is there right now i don't want to ruin. because it makes my life a little bit easier whenever i see him. because i am truly happy to see him. because he's nice. because ... i don't know.
i just have no idea what to do. i just want to figure this out in the least painful and fastest way possible, thank you. because i'm done with this funky, sad, hollow feeling that's been sitting in my chest most of the week.
well, i'm off to bed. gonna put my volume on my phone ... Laura said she'd text me later. so... yeah. i might just stay up until she does and crash. but i'm not gonna stay here and pour out my sorrowful love life here when i don't have to.
have a good night, guys. you all are wonderful.
XXXOOO,
~Charly

Just read the little stories and think of a wish as you scroll all the way to the bottom. There is a message there, then make your wish. No attachment on this one. I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right leg. It was 2:53 p.m. When I made my wish. At 3:07 p.m.(14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!! I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this really works!!! My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office. He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 months later and now have been happily married for 2 years. What a great email it was!! Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish. Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex. you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish to come true). However, if you don't send this to people in 5 minutes, you will have bad luck for years!! Go for it!!!SCROLL DOWN!
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 STOP!!! Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes. Now follow this carefully....it can be very rewarding!!!! If you send this to 10 more people, other than the 5 that you already have to send to, something major that you've been wanting will happen

(i am a wild one, break me in. saddle me up and let's begin. i am a wild one, tame me now. running with wolves and i'm on the prowl. ~SIA)

okay, okay, not the cleanest song to use as a title. but i had to get something new. i've been re-using a couple songs. so... yeah.
but... anyways. i feel so insufficient. i only have 30 hours this week (if i don't get breaks) and he has 85 hours. and i know if i'm complaining about it, i should change it. but right now, i don't know. i'm starting to get my life together. but maybe i should get another job. that would make sense (cents? haha).
oh. my. god. i can't stop thinking about the guy. i know, i know. i just met the guy friday. but, i mean. how can i not? he's hot as hell. and a gentleman. and he's on the right path. shit. he's so damn perfect. i don't know what it is. he doesn't think he is... well, attractive in any way. but i've told him enough since friday that i guess he's starting to believe it.
okay, well. i need to stop obssessing for a moment.
i had to work this morning.  8 to 4, and no break. fun, fun. not. whatever, it wasn't so bad. not really. but i was kind of in a funk. my head was hours in the past (still on saturday night/yesterday morning... for obvious reasons.). but still, not too bad of a day, i guess. i got paid, too, so really, that just made the day so much better.
okay, well, the boy (well, man...) doesn't get off of work for about another two and a half hours. and i need to pass the time by doing ... well, something. and i don't know what to do. BLAH. blah, blah, blah. i could shower and go home to read. or write. or .... eat dinner. ionno. whatever.
okay, well, i'm going to go kill time until my baby gets off work (once again, benefits of having a boyfriend WITHOUT having a boyfriend. pssh... whatever.).
have a good week, friends!!!
XXXOOO
~Charly

(i miss that town. i miss the faces. you can't erase. you can't replace it. i miss it now. i can't believe it. so hard to stay, so hard to leave it. if i could relive those days, i know the one thing that i would never change... ~NICKELBACK)

oh, wow. let me just start by saying that since friday, there has been a lot of stuff that's gone down. i won't go into much detail. but i have to say that this weekend was probably the most fun i've had in God knows how long.
friday, i was hanging with a friend (Rose) who i haven't seen in years. we went to St. Clair Shores and Peanut was busy (of course, St. Clair Shores is their money spot. no surprise.). whatever. i went to take Rose home and went to the mall with Laura, her boyfriend, Terell, and his friend, Rob. somehow, we got alcohol and stayed the night in a motel (if you're smart, you'll put the pieces together. for me, it didn't go all the way, though. i promise!!! Rob and i were good.... kind of....). and Rob and i texted all day, even though he had to work (and get in trouble for texting... ooops.). and he came over to my grandma's house last night (nobody was home and we didn't do sh*t. promise) and spent the night. he held me all night. :) i know i just met the guy, but i do like him. the only problem is (damn) is that he has a warrant (benched, thank God. still means that if he gets pulled over, he could go to jail, though. ugh.). he didn't want to start something good, only to have it ruined by going to jail. and i get that. so, last night, when we were falling asleep, he said something along the lines of us being friends with benefits but no benefits (like sex-wise).... meaning, i guess, that i get the benefits of having a boyfriend without having a boyfriend, and vice versa. and i guess we'll figure it out from there.
God, i've only thought of Peanut, like, twice this whole weekend (and drunk called him on friday... uh... yeah.). and i don't feel jealous because it wasn't like it was going to last between us, anyways. he travels too much. but Rob, on the other hand. he works, like, 60 hours a week (good for him. he gets paid $9.00 an hour), has a car, has money, has a place with a roommate. he's getting his shit together. the shit he needs to get together, anyways.
i don't know. i think part of the reason that i like him is because of what happened friday night. but it's not just that. he's a sweet guy. he knows what he wants and is at a place in his life that he can be happy about. i mean, aside from the warrant, his life is pretty good.
okay, well, i'm gonna go reminice on how crazy i've been lately. blah.
have a good Sunday, guys!
XXXOOO,
~Charly

(am i crazy or falling in love? is it really just another crush? ~DAVID ARCHULETA)

oh, guys, i'm so happy. almost to the point of being way too happy. i went out wednesday (complete waste of my time. Peanut had a bad day and wouldn't answer his phone, so i didn't see him) to St. Clair Shores to not see Peanut. i went back yesterday and ended up staying out there for like four hours, hanging out with Peanut, Thomas and Josh. and well.... the last 45 minutes i was out there, Peanut (*sigh*) and I snuggled off and on. he walked me to my car when i left and hugged and kissed me good-night. but we aren't really together (um, yeah. i don't know.). i don't know what it is, but being with him or just hearing his voice makes me incredibly happy. so much so that i promised that i'd try to go out again today to see him.
i told him last night when he was walking me to my car (with his hand in mine.... again, we aren't together. and i don't know why.) that i was happy that i came out. i don't know what's wrong with me. i like this guy a lot, but... there's the whole thing that he's a carnie. am i incredibly crazy for doing this? or am i following my heart and doing what's right? because, despite what my friends say, i have no idea. i just want something that feels right and this feels right. for right now, anyhow. because this makes me incredibly happy. even though i'm killing myself with putting gas in the car (Peanut said he'd give me gas money tonight if i go out... huh. none of the guys i've dated before never ever said they'd pay me gas money or just give me gas money. assholes! ... excluding Peanut.).
God, i really think i am crazy. tell me what you think. because i've lost my mind.
life is looking up for right now.... i have Peanut, i'm working between 20 and 30 hours a week, i have a social life to look forward to. life is amazing. :) 'specially Peanut. for right now.
the only icky-ness in this picture is that Beast got arrested and is in jail. like, warrents or something? i don't know. Peanut and Thomas only told me last night. i kind of wigged out. i was like, "holy shit, really?" i couldn't believe it. i was stunned. the guy is kind of sweet. as far as i know, for right now, is that he don't deserve to be in jail. i don't know.
but aside from that, it's all good. i just hope that he gets out soon.
XXXOOO and plenty of happiness.
~Charly
P.S. i don't know why, but he makes me incredibly happy. have i mentioned that yet? this is way too crazy. but i love it, anyways.

(i threw a wish in the well. don't ask me, i'll never tell. i looked to you as it fell. and now, you're in my way. i'd trade my soul for a wish. pennies and dimes for a kiss. i wasn't looking for this. but now you're in my way. ~CARLY RAE JEPSEN)

i'm way too happy for my own good. this is great. i'm going out to st. claire shores tonight after work. i'm going to see my carnies. i get to see Peanut. :) i'm way too happy for this, but what can i say? i slept better last night because i knew it won't be long until i see him. and i will sleep great because i'll be with Peanut for awhile. tonight will be amazing. plus, it can't hurt that my bff is coming with me.
oh my God, i can't wait for tonight. :) i've been so super excited and happy about this since five last night, when i talked to Lindsey. nobody but my dog was home last night with me and i was talking to her (like she's not a dog. please tell me that's not weird.) and she was looking at me like i was .... insane, pretty much. but i couldn't help it. i was happy. i was ... i don't even know how to put it into words. but, this is pretty much intense. not once in my life did i ever think that this would happen. now that it IS happening, i'm pretty much too excited to eat or type (though, i wasn't too excited to sleep. and what does that tell you?)
God. sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. i'm going to work today and people will be able to just tell that something is going right right now. i don't know, i'm just insanely crazily happy for this. nobody gets it. but whatever. i'll just keep it to myself until tomorrow, when i know i won't be able to contain it. right now, i'll be able to for work (just barely, i know. but still...).
okay, i realize that i went from really sad and upset to intensely happy in the matter of two days, but what can i say? it isn't all lost. and this is something that could go right for once. i'm just too damn excited for it right now.
i'll be on tomorrow to talk about this. i'm too keyed up and too intensely happy right now.
love ya!
~Charly

(the sun set in my paradise. somehow, if i'm lucky, he'll waste his change for minutes - and not a payphone - for his phone.)

i want to thank my guest blogger, Launna, for her post yesterday. thank you for accepting this and taking the time to write here, Launna.
i know today's title isn't a song. but, for once, it goes with the feeling and what's going to be said in today's post.
it'll take a little bit of time to write today. i guess that's okay. because i feel like i've lost something. even though it's not true. not really. i had nothing to lose. nothing at all.
yesterday was the last day of carnival (obviously). i spent a couple hours there, said good bye to the people who mattered (Lindsey and Peanut) and promised to come see them in St. Claire Shores and maybe Birmingham. then i had to take mom and my grandma to the airport (thinking that i had until nine to go back and really say goodbye). i raced home, and got to the parking lot at ten to nine. it was closed and they were tearing down. thank goodness i'd already said goodbye at that point, and i'd be seeing them at the end of the week anyhow, in St. Claire Shores.
but with a promise from Peanut that he'd try to call last night (never happened... whatever, he was busy.), i had a hard time sleeping last night. and friday and saturday night, it was because i knew i didn't have much time left before they were gone that didn't help me be able to sleep. and with another promise of a phone call later this week, i should be okay. i'll be all over Peanut's ass if, come friday, i have no idea where i'm supposed to be going to see him. but, that's beside the point.
this morning, i had a field trip to Pontiac to see if they were still staying out there. nope. not a soul. i didn't see the trailers that i saw last week when i went. there wasn't anything left from the carnival in the K-Mart parking lot. there was nothing.
i came to my grandmother's empty house and starting writing my post (this was maybe half hour or 45 minutes ago.). i had plugged in my phone in the kitchen as i walked in... i went over to check my phone, because with music playing and my typing away, i woudn't've heard it from the office. i checked for any notifications or whatever... nothing. and i just broke down, bawling my eyes out. my eyes were red, i was crying so hard that i coughed and it felt like i was coughing so hard, i'd lose my stomach. that kind of stuff.
it felt like i'd lost something, even though i had nothing to lose. i realize that i had a crush on peanut (and he did kind of like me, too, but that's not the point) and i kind of got to know some of the carnies. but it wasn't like there was anything important. i didn't have a tie to any of them. not one. so, i really don't know why i feel sad or upset or numb or anything.
okay, maybe i do know why. because this is the first year that i had some sort of... not really bond with any of them but... that's the only way i can describe it as. and that's what i felt like i lost last night. a bond with a couple people. i just feel lost. i feel like someone tore my chest open and took my heart. logically, i know it's there. logically, i didn't have a strong enough bond with any one of them. logically, i didn't have enough to lose to make me this way. but... it just turned out this way, i guess. things happen, and sometimes they happen without rhyme or reason. it just is.
but... i shouldn't be this way, with the promise of going to St. Claire Shores and Birmingham. i don't have anything to lose, because i will be seeing them at least twice more within the next month. but it's the waiting, the time passing slowly, the time spent away from people that matter at least a little bit to me. which makes a bit of sense, in a way.
alright, i'm done with the sob-story post. i'll write later this week, when i don't have post-carnival depression. or, when it's lessened, at least.
XXXOOO
~Charly