The absolute worst feeling in the world is fearing that you don't have enough years in your life to realize your dreams, but not having the energy to do anything. It's not wanting to leave your house, let alone your room, because you don't want to go through talking with people, and telling yourself you don't really deserve to have a good time anyways. It's the fear of failing, but not caring. It's the fear of not having enough time to figure out what you want to do, but telling yourself you'll fail anyways, so what's the point?
It's having anxiety and being depressed at the same time. It's something that I struggle with every day. Knowing that I have to find a job, asking myself 'What if I don't find one?", but telling myself that I don't really deserve to have a good life, nor would anyone want to hire me anyways. It's being a crowd of people and being afraid that I'll say something wrong because I have social anxiety, but also just wanting to sit in the corner and stop caring about the world around me.
Maybe that's why I didn't try in school when I went to college. I was so scared of failing, of not being good enough of a student, that I wanted to do well, but telling myself that I am already too much of a screw up, so why try?
I sabotage everything that I do because I can't figure out how to navigate through these thoughts and emotions. It's sabotaging all my past relationships because I can't figure out which disorder is screwing me up more. Do I worry too much about what other people think about my life that I don't want to socialize? Do I ruin my personal relationships because I don't care enough to put any energy in?
Or maybe it's the anxiety talking...
I've wanted to write a post for the past couple days, but I didn't have the energy....
... which definitely the depression talking.
Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days. I get like three or four hours of studying in, then about five hours of job searching, with maybe some cleaning around the house and going to the gym... potentially have plans for the evening. Things click, and I have energy and motivation for everything, not really caring about what people think or how they react to me.
But then there are the days that I wake up, and just stare at the ceiling, thinking, I don't really have the energy to get up, I'm not really smart enough to pass this exam, I don't want to talk to people, what was I thinking when I first woke up? Why do I have to deal with today? I hate talking to people, I hate people, I don't have the energy, NO NO NO!!!
And then there are the days where it's just the depression. I'll sit in front of my book and notebook, telling myself that it's not really worth it. I'm not good enough to pass this exam anyway. Or I'll be in front of my computer, looking at online job search sites, and tell myself, meh, I don't have the energy for this, so I'll just sit here and stare at the screen, just randomly clicking stuff without reading anything. Then a friend will text me, asking me if I'm free, but telling him/her that maybe not tonight, maybe next time, because I just don't care. I just don't have the energy to get out of my pajamas.
Or the days where it's just the anxiety. Reading everything in my book because I worry that I don't know enough at all, or looking on those same websites, clicking on everything that I think is a good match, but thinking that I don't really want to have to go through the interview, because am I really a people person? NO!, my mind will scream at me. Most DEFINITELY not!!!! Then wondering whether I'm insane through putting myself through this. And having friends call me, asking to do something, I'm just like.... I don't want people to judge me, I don't want to have to put myself through that, NO!
What a vicious, exhausting, brutal cycle. And, it seems, like I can't break it.
But it's not like I can talk about it. I don't.
My sister and my mom have made it known that they're depressed, my sister more than once. Even when I wanted to, I don't know what I would say.
Even if I tried, they would be brutally honest, saying that it can't be as bad as theirs, all this extra, and what if that makes me worse?
I don't even try. I keep it to myself. Because, no matter what, it would seem like my troubles won't be as bad as theirs. They would make light of it, like it's whatever, or it's nothing. And yet, the struggle goes on, silent and cruel.
Maybe I shouldn't post this, because I don't know what people would say, and I fear that everyone will put me under the microscope, wondering what part of my mind is messed up.
But I didn't even have the energy to write this post, nor did I care to have the energy, so it would be useless if I didn't post this.
The struggle goes on, silent and cruel...
... such a vicious cycle.
"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore
Friday, 15 January 2016
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
[Oh, I fall in love just a little, oh, little bit every day with someone new. -Hozier||Someone New]
Good morning, afternoon, or evening to you wherever you are.
I'm so sorry that it's taken me a year to get back to posting back here. It's been a very crazy, hectic, crazy, weird, intense year. It's been full of love, friendships, learning, drama, breakups... All the usual life things. You know how it goes. I hope.
So, let me get re-organized and go through my past year, get my thoughts together right.
Last year, I turned 23, worked at Panera Bread for five months, then left to go to trade school. My trade ended up being Pharmacy Technology. Interesting field. I learned so much from my teacher, my mentor, and all the students I was in class with. I also thought I was in love while I was in school. However, we were together for six months, my ex and I, before I broke up with her. She was 19, acting like a child, wasn't motivated. Nothing. Even though she finished school in September, I had pushed her to find a job and/or retake the military entrance exam in order to do what she needed or wanted. I got fed up after a five weeks of trying to be an adult for her. If I kept being one for her, where did that leave me after I finished school? Right back where I was before I started - being unmotivated, without drive, sitting on my ass, not going to school, working a crappy part time job. I couldn't be an adult for two people - hell, being an adult for one person is hard enough; I don't need the extra stress of being an adult for someone else, too. What's with that? But I talked to my mom about the whole thing with my ex. Mom was telling me that I broke up with her with all the right reasons, being somewhat adult about it.
But all the drama that ensued was ridiculous! I do have to admit, I was part of the blame of the drama. I didn't act very adult about it half the time. But I got over it. Because this was a lesson. My old roommate from school had a saying that went, "It's either a lesson or a blessing." "It's a lesson or a blessin'," she'd tell me, "either you have something to learn, or it's something good!" But I changed it a little bit after this whole dramatic bullcrap. The blessing is in the lesson, especially with what I went through here. I learned to get not depend on someone else to the point of need, to know when a relationship is toxic, to move on. I also learned what I wanted, what I needed, and what I didn't want or need out of a relationship.
So, anyways, I finished school about a month ago. I'm having a difficult time trying to transfer my pharmacy technician licensure from the State of Illinois to the State of Michigan. But I should (hopefully) have it by the end of the month. It's crazy because I should have done this long before I finished school. And I am so mad at myself because I didn't do it. Why didn't I apply directly for Michigan licensure? And if I couldn't, why didn't I apply for a transfer before I finished with school? Yeah, I wasn't very smart.
School itself wasn't bad. There were a lot of people who had nothing better to do that to start drama. It was like their life mission to piss people off, start rumors, and get other people kicked out. It was like, do you not have anything better to do with your life? Like get the education you came here for? Stop mooching off other people's money and do something with yourself, yeah? Because without school, they don't have anything.
I found my personality twin at school. We are very much alike in how we think and act and in our personalities that it's kind of scary. We finish each other's sentences, we know each other's taste in guys, we both know how each other thinks. Hell, we even chose the same trade. We are both very driven in what we want to do. It's like talking to me... except she's taller, blond, and likes different sports teams. But we're both fairly passionate about the teams we follow.
Anyhow, I've been out of school for about a month, trying to study for the pharmacy board exam (you know, just a run of the mill, nationally certifying exam. no pressure), and looking for a job. It's been fun, fun, fun. Actually, not really. But, as soon as I pass this exam, I'm sure that I'll feel a bit better.
Okay, well, I'm about to go eat lunch, so I'll let you guys go.
Stay grand.
I'm so sorry that it's taken me a year to get back to posting back here. It's been a very crazy, hectic, crazy, weird, intense year. It's been full of love, friendships, learning, drama, breakups... All the usual life things. You know how it goes. I hope.
So, let me get re-organized and go through my past year, get my thoughts together right.
Last year, I turned 23, worked at Panera Bread for five months, then left to go to trade school. My trade ended up being Pharmacy Technology. Interesting field. I learned so much from my teacher, my mentor, and all the students I was in class with. I also thought I was in love while I was in school. However, we were together for six months, my ex and I, before I broke up with her. She was 19, acting like a child, wasn't motivated. Nothing. Even though she finished school in September, I had pushed her to find a job and/or retake the military entrance exam in order to do what she needed or wanted. I got fed up after a five weeks of trying to be an adult for her. If I kept being one for her, where did that leave me after I finished school? Right back where I was before I started - being unmotivated, without drive, sitting on my ass, not going to school, working a crappy part time job. I couldn't be an adult for two people - hell, being an adult for one person is hard enough; I don't need the extra stress of being an adult for someone else, too. What's with that? But I talked to my mom about the whole thing with my ex. Mom was telling me that I broke up with her with all the right reasons, being somewhat adult about it.
But all the drama that ensued was ridiculous! I do have to admit, I was part of the blame of the drama. I didn't act very adult about it half the time. But I got over it. Because this was a lesson. My old roommate from school had a saying that went, "It's either a lesson or a blessing." "It's a lesson or a blessin'," she'd tell me, "either you have something to learn, or it's something good!" But I changed it a little bit after this whole dramatic bullcrap. The blessing is in the lesson, especially with what I went through here. I learned to get not depend on someone else to the point of need, to know when a relationship is toxic, to move on. I also learned what I wanted, what I needed, and what I didn't want or need out of a relationship.
So, anyways, I finished school about a month ago. I'm having a difficult time trying to transfer my pharmacy technician licensure from the State of Illinois to the State of Michigan. But I should (hopefully) have it by the end of the month. It's crazy because I should have done this long before I finished school. And I am so mad at myself because I didn't do it. Why didn't I apply directly for Michigan licensure? And if I couldn't, why didn't I apply for a transfer before I finished with school? Yeah, I wasn't very smart.
School itself wasn't bad. There were a lot of people who had nothing better to do that to start drama. It was like their life mission to piss people off, start rumors, and get other people kicked out. It was like, do you not have anything better to do with your life? Like get the education you came here for? Stop mooching off other people's money and do something with yourself, yeah? Because without school, they don't have anything.
I found my personality twin at school. We are very much alike in how we think and act and in our personalities that it's kind of scary. We finish each other's sentences, we know each other's taste in guys, we both know how each other thinks. Hell, we even chose the same trade. We are both very driven in what we want to do. It's like talking to me... except she's taller, blond, and likes different sports teams. But we're both fairly passionate about the teams we follow.
Anyhow, I've been out of school for about a month, trying to study for the pharmacy board exam (you know, just a run of the mill, nationally certifying exam. no pressure), and looking for a job. It's been fun, fun, fun. Actually, not really. But, as soon as I pass this exam, I'm sure that I'll feel a bit better.
Okay, well, I'm about to go eat lunch, so I'll let you guys go.
Stay grand.
Sunday, 11 January 2015
CRAZINESS
So, holy crow, it's been so dang long since I've last posted. Sorry, guys!
I graduated FEMA Corps on 19 November. I have been home since then. I have finally adjusted to not having always having at least one other person in my room with me, to not having to go back to Denver, to waking up and seeing suburbia instead of mountains.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year were all okay. But the only thing that's been kind of crazy is that a good friend committed suicide last month. It's been really affecting me negatively. I wish that I would have called him or something. But I don't know if it would have changed anything.
I also got a job, quit, and got a new job. I start my new job on Friday. Which is awesome. I can't wait to start
All the craziness in Paris is so insane. Terrorist attacks on Wednesday and Friday. An attack like that in the middle of the day, all that craziness. It just boggles my mind. I think that these people who attacked others who wrote their opinions in a magazine to take away their freedom of speech. That and they held hostages in a kosher market to try to get their counterparts free. I'm Parisian, and it's really boggling me. #JeSuisCharlie in support of all the victims and their families who were affected in the Charlie Hebdo shooting. #JeSuisAhmed in support of all the police who were and are part of this. #IAmJewish. #IAmMuslim who are the non-extremists and are saying that these extremists are doing this #NotInMyName. They had a rally today in Paris. They attacked the Western civilization, they attacked our freedom of speech. I want to do something... A candle-lit vigil, a rally of our own. SOMETHING.
Okay, so, I'm going to sign off now. It's been an insane two months.
Stay awesome, y'all.
I graduated FEMA Corps on 19 November. I have been home since then. I have finally adjusted to not having always having at least one other person in my room with me, to not having to go back to Denver, to waking up and seeing suburbia instead of mountains.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year were all okay. But the only thing that's been kind of crazy is that a good friend committed suicide last month. It's been really affecting me negatively. I wish that I would have called him or something. But I don't know if it would have changed anything.
I also got a job, quit, and got a new job. I start my new job on Friday. Which is awesome. I can't wait to start
All the craziness in Paris is so insane. Terrorist attacks on Wednesday and Friday. An attack like that in the middle of the day, all that craziness. It just boggles my mind. I think that these people who attacked others who wrote their opinions in a magazine to take away their freedom of speech. That and they held hostages in a kosher market to try to get their counterparts free. I'm Parisian, and it's really boggling me. #JeSuisCharlie in support of all the victims and their families who were affected in the Charlie Hebdo shooting. #JeSuisAhmed in support of all the police who were and are part of this. #IAmJewish. #IAmMuslim who are the non-extremists and are saying that these extremists are doing this #NotInMyName. They had a rally today in Paris. They attacked the Western civilization, they attacked our freedom of speech. I want to do something... A candle-lit vigil, a rally of our own. SOMETHING.
Okay, so, I'm going to sign off now. It's been an insane two months.
Stay awesome, y'all.
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Sports, laws of physics, life
Okay, tri-sport season is officially upon us! Football, hockey, and basketball... all meshed. It's going to be a beautiful few months. Although, football season officially ends on the first weekend of February. Basketball ends in like March/April. And hockey can last until June. So, only three months of each year do I ever feel like there's nothing much for me to watch. My life is dull...
... Wait, it's the four-sport season! Because it's also soccer season right now, too. Life is beautiful. I have three football apps (just for Green Bay), a Detroit Pistons app, a Detroit Red Wings app, and two soccer apps, one for Arsenal and one for Real.
So, yesterday, my team was playing soccer. I was running after the ball, defending someone. Once I got level to her, I tripped over my own feet. To test gravity, I fell. And we're still good, gravity is still working. Because I totally landed so hard on my chest, I lost my breath. Now, I know how it feels to get the wind knocked out of me. It's definitely something I never want to experience again. So, anyways, I didn't completely connect the dots until I rolled on my back, wheezing. I launched myself up into a sitting position, my arms on my knees, sitting there, trying to catch my breath. Everyone was asking if I was okay. I shook it off and said that I was fine. Dan helped me up. I took a couple steps, then leaned forward, my hands on my knees, and tooke a few breaths before I stood up again and started walking. I did that a couple of times before we started playing soccer again, even though I said I was fine and we could totally start playing again. I'm okay. My head hurts today, and my shoulders are a little sore. My foot hurts a little. But I have Ibuprofen. I'm okay. I just need a few days of not playing contact sports and just some rest after work, and I'll be back 100%. I'm fine.
We have nine more days in Kansas City! Oh, goodness, the day we're back in Denver is going to be one of the best days of my life. I'm not kidding; it's going to be the last time we go back from travel, we won't have to deal with our team leader as much, we'll only have to interact with each other when we have to. It's going to be a beautiful things. And then, a week and a half after we get back to Denver, we go home. I'm so, so stoked; I'm way too excited for it. But it's still an amazing thing. Because I miss home, I miss my dog. And I am happy that I get to see the mountains one last time before I go home.
I'm sleepy; I wish I could take a nap right now. But crawling under the desk to take a nap is frowned upon in this establishment. Damn, and today's the day that I brought my blanket and pillow to work. Oh, well. I'm going to go home and take a nap after work. Because I can, and because I have a right to. After hurting myself yesterday (well, after gravity hurt me yesterday), I feel like I can have that choice.
Oh, well. Whatever.
Okay, I'm going to make like a banana and split. Have a great day, y'all.
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
#DetroitBasketball open season.... starts tomorrow
Right. So... How are the Detroit Red Wings already 8 games into their season? More importantly, how did I not know? And the Pistons open their regular season tomorrow. Even more importantly... WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?! I'm usually up to date on things like this!
... Wait. I've focused my sports dedication too much on the Green Bay Packers. (Note: The only non-Detroit team I like is my American football team.)
But... But... I just. I'm so disorganized. Mom said that my "Sports IQ" is slipping. No, I refuse to believe that. My dedication is too focused on one team. It's okay... okay. Because now I have apps for all my teams to keep up with my scores. We're all good now. Because I panicked. It's okay. And now that the Packers are headed into their by week this weekend, I actually have time to focus more on basketball and hockey. Okay. I can relax.
Oh, no! The Red Wings play at 7.30 tomorrow night and the Pistons play at 8. That's okay; I won't be watching, just checking scores every now and again.
Mom says I have been "poisoned by the Packer plague" and she hopes it "hasn't been too late to save" me "from being all consumed." I'm like... the Packers are the only non-Detroit team that I like (aside from my soccer teams). And it IS mom's fault that I'm a Packers fan to begin with. So, I don't know why she's complaining.
But I still can't get over the fact that I DIDN'T know when the Pistons' season opener was and that the Red Wings started their season and I didn't know. Like, usually I'm so good with this. Usually. Generally. Yeah. I keep tabs on the teams I like that play the sports I like. BUT... It's been stressful the past few months, so it's okay that I've finally slipped a little bit. It's okay. Things happen.
As much as I think I bleed Green and Gold for the Packers, there's still a part of my heart still for the Detroit Red Wings and the Detroit Pistons. Always and forever. Because the Red Wings was something I shared wtih my grandfather. And the Detroit Pistons because the starting line-up for them when I was growing up got me hooked, and fast.
Okay, well, I have to go get stuff done for American. *cough* Get off Blogger and make it look like I'm working.
Have a good day everyone.
PS, Packers lost on Sunday, 44-23, to the Saints... NOT OKAY with it.... I'm officially not talking to anyone who talks to me about American football... the loss still hurts and it's two days after the fact.
Thursday, 23 October 2014
(Some legends are told. Some turn to dust or to gold. But you will remember me, remember me for centuries. And just one mistake is all it will take. We'll go down in history. Remember me for centuries.||Fall Out Boy/Centuries)
First of all, I have to say, I'm keeping up with what's been happening to Canada. All my Canadian Blogger friends and readers, I'm thinking of you all. And for the soldier who got shot, may he rest in peace. I'm thinking of his family and friends at this time of sadness.
I think that it's crazy, what happened. I don't remember anything that's happened like this in Canada. I was talking to mom yesterday and she said that Canada is a peaceful nation; nothing like this doesn't ever happen. Quebec is my neighbour. It's crazy that it's so close to home for me. Everything that happened this week is within 500 or so miles from where I live.
Bless. You're all in my thoughts. I'm sorry about everything.
Okay, so. How about Kansas City Royals? They're doing well in the World Series. They're tied in the series with San Fransisco at one game a piece. Good luck to them. Three more games; let's see what happens.
We're about a week away from Halloween. I'm going costume shopping this weekend with a group of people. I don't know what my plans are yet for Halloween. But I still want to get a costume anyways, just to get in the spirit of things. I absolutely love the holiday. You get to get dressed up, be something or someone that you aren't. Even for just a day. If I were home for Halloween, I'd be going trick-or-treating, despite my mom's claims of being too old to go out. Mom, please. It's free candy. Who can resist free candy? Right. Nobody.
We have about four more weeks of the program. I am so excited; I'm so ready to be done with it. I miss home, I miss my family, I miss my dog. I miss my friends. I can't wait to be in my own bed, to see everyone, to be with people I know and love.
Honestly, though, I think that this program did me well. Even though it's cliche, it made me grow up a bit. I am definitely a different person that I would have been if I hadn't joined, a different person than I was a year ago. It's nice to see that I've grown up a bit.
Anyways, I'm going to go. I have some stuffs to do before I leave work. Have a good day, everyone.
I think that it's crazy, what happened. I don't remember anything that's happened like this in Canada. I was talking to mom yesterday and she said that Canada is a peaceful nation; nothing like this doesn't ever happen. Quebec is my neighbour. It's crazy that it's so close to home for me. Everything that happened this week is within 500 or so miles from where I live.
Bless. You're all in my thoughts. I'm sorry about everything.
Okay, so. How about Kansas City Royals? They're doing well in the World Series. They're tied in the series with San Fransisco at one game a piece. Good luck to them. Three more games; let's see what happens.
We're about a week away from Halloween. I'm going costume shopping this weekend with a group of people. I don't know what my plans are yet for Halloween. But I still want to get a costume anyways, just to get in the spirit of things. I absolutely love the holiday. You get to get dressed up, be something or someone that you aren't. Even for just a day. If I were home for Halloween, I'd be going trick-or-treating, despite my mom's claims of being too old to go out. Mom, please. It's free candy. Who can resist free candy? Right. Nobody.
We have about four more weeks of the program. I am so excited; I'm so ready to be done with it. I miss home, I miss my family, I miss my dog. I miss my friends. I can't wait to be in my own bed, to see everyone, to be with people I know and love.
Honestly, though, I think that this program did me well. Even though it's cliche, it made me grow up a bit. I am definitely a different person that I would have been if I hadn't joined, a different person than I was a year ago. It's nice to see that I've grown up a bit.
Anyways, I'm going to go. I have some stuffs to do before I leave work. Have a good day, everyone.
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
(Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. -Albus Dumbledore)
Alright, alright. It's ridiculous. This morning, at 1:45 am, the fire alarm went off in the cabin that our three teams are staying in. I literally bolted up, confused for a moment. I asked "What time is it?" before I checked my phone. Okay. Well, I wrapped my sleeping bag around me and went outside. 26 of us were standing there, confused, becuase we didn't know where to go. As there was no fire, after five minutes, my team leader said, "Why don't we all go to the kitchen?" The kitchen is in a different building, so we went. I hustled so I could sit on one of the couches in the kitchen. The alarm was still going off, and it did so for another ten minutes. One of the guys running the camp came by and shut off the alarm. The team leaders went through to make sure that the cabin didn't smell of smoke or anything. So, about five-ish minutes later, the Kansas City Fire Department stopped by. I went outside and all the ladies of my team were outside the door. We stopped and stared for a moment. Then, the guy who shut off the alarm took two of the firefighters to check the fuse box. It seems like everything was fine.
But, four hours after the alarm was shut off and the FD left, the fire alarm rang again! At six am. I was slow in getting up because I knew there wasn't a fire. The alarm was getting faulty. So, I took my time checking the time, wrapping my sleeping bag around me and sliding on my flip flops. I headed back to the kitchen, sad on the couch, and tried to get some shut eye. This time, the alarm was on for maybe five minutes.
As we left the kitchen, two of the team leaders told their teams that they were leaving at 8.30 as opposed to the usual 7.20 departure time. Thank gosh, I got another hour of sleep. Especially since I lost an hour after the 1:45 alarm. I hadn't slept that hard all night; that one hour was the hardest I slept.
I am so hoping that we don't get a repeat, even though it does make for a good story now.
But, let's be real. It's annoying to have to get up twice in one night because of a faulty fire alarm system. Even though I knew it was faulty. Whatever; nothing happened, there was no fire, we're all safe. And that's what matters.
So, today, I'm working on stuff that's not office work related. I'm working on team stuffs related. And honestly, I would rather get that done, because if I don't, then there will be problems. I would rather do the stuff I have to do for me to graduate the program and for my team rather than the office-related work. To be far, it's also easier than what I have to do for the office. So, yeah.
Okay, so. It's just about lunch time, so I'm going to go. Y'all have a good day. Stay awesome.
But, four hours after the alarm was shut off and the FD left, the fire alarm rang again! At six am. I was slow in getting up because I knew there wasn't a fire. The alarm was getting faulty. So, I took my time checking the time, wrapping my sleeping bag around me and sliding on my flip flops. I headed back to the kitchen, sad on the couch, and tried to get some shut eye. This time, the alarm was on for maybe five minutes.
As we left the kitchen, two of the team leaders told their teams that they were leaving at 8.30 as opposed to the usual 7.20 departure time. Thank gosh, I got another hour of sleep. Especially since I lost an hour after the 1:45 alarm. I hadn't slept that hard all night; that one hour was the hardest I slept.
I am so hoping that we don't get a repeat, even though it does make for a good story now.
But, let's be real. It's annoying to have to get up twice in one night because of a faulty fire alarm system. Even though I knew it was faulty. Whatever; nothing happened, there was no fire, we're all safe. And that's what matters.
So, today, I'm working on stuff that's not office work related. I'm working on team stuffs related. And honestly, I would rather get that done, because if I don't, then there will be problems. I would rather do the stuff I have to do for me to graduate the program and for my team rather than the office-related work. To be far, it's also easier than what I have to do for the office. So, yeah.
Okay, so. It's just about lunch time, so I'm going to go. Y'all have a good day. Stay awesome.
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