(I was lost 'til I found you! -THE WANTED)

Wow, I haven't written in awhile. Sorry, guys, I've really dropped the ball. Yikes...

I'm sitting here in class, with the first part of my homework done. It's due in two weeks. I am going to finish it later this week, but I wanted to start is so that I knew that I knew what I was doing. If that made any sense. So, instead of doing classwork, like I'm supposed to be doing, I'm chilling and writing on my blog. Which I could be doing in my spare time.

Uh-huh, like I've been one to follow the rules down to a T. Plus, I am using my own damn computer, so I don't think it matters. I was playing Reversi and was on Facebook while the prof was lecturing in class. What else am I supposed to do when I already know what the teacher is lecturing about?

So, I'm about 4 weeks and 4 days from being 21 and 5 weeks and 4 days from my party. I am soooo excited because I've got something planned, I can (almost) legally by alcohol for myself ... or other people. Plus, I got a handful of people to come bowling with me for my birthday, so good on me.

Oh, if you couldn't figure it out, yes, I am back in school. Finally. I am sooo happy because it's finally something to do. Aside from going to work, that is. It gives me something else to do during the week. And weekends, when I don't have anything to do, I'll be doing homework. Aaahhh, it's good to be back in school... I've missed it enough.

Okay, well, class is almost over (I have fifteen minutes), but I'm thinking about leaving. The prof doesn't take attendance, so, pretty much, whenever she is done lecturing, I can leave whenever I feel like it. I need to hang around when she lectures, so that I know what I am doing. Sounds like a plan. I get what I need from the prof to do the work and I can spend the rest of class doing whatever (including homework).

Uh huh.

Anyways, I'm happy right now. At least, I think I am... I'm trying to think through the fog in my head, and it's not working out too well. Maybe I should get mor sleep. *rolls eyes*

Okay, so, I am going to go, I've got to go to the bank and get some gas. I hope you guys have a good day and good rest of the week!

~Charly

Dreams

I feel safe

While I dream

I am happy

While I dance on moonbeams

 

I am happy

Dancing in the stars

Nothing can go wrong

Here, I don't have any scars

 

I am taken away

While I dream

I am blown away

By all the moonbeams

 

I have never felt so breathless

My heart hasn't stopped this much

Nothing here is haunting me

Not even a negative touch

 

All day, I dream about your touch

But all night, I can have it

In my dreams

Nothing can stop it

 

I can have all the good

I want at night

Even though I can't have it during the day

But here, nothing can bite

This is the band that I love. They are The Wanted (a couple of their songs have been titles of some of my blog posts). From left to right: Tom, Nathan, Siva, Max and Jay
They are quite amazing. Well, in my opinion, they are amazing. With some great music. But then again, if you don't like boy bands, you might not like them so much.

(I feel you close, I feel you breathe, and now it’s like you’re here, you’re haunting me. You’re out of line, you’re out of sight. […]In our house, I hate that place. Everywhere I turn I see your face. Trying to erase a memory with a flame, and hope that I never see you again. Standing there, in a burning room, you know the end couldn’t come so soon. Now, it’s clear to me the lies you use, the ones that killed me aren’t hurting you. –The Wanted)

Okay, so the day after the world is supposed to end, and I'm still alive; sadly, all the assholes are alive, as well. If we were supposed to have an apocalypse, I'd have at least hoped that the assholes and haters would've been gone today. I guess not.

My mother (witch) decided that the kitchen (which I'd cleaned to near perfection, mind you) was not done to the best of my abilities, that it was still trashed. Right. The only thing that had been wrong was that there were crumbs (hardly, if any) on one of the counters and that her robe was on a chair. And that it is my fault for not having put her robe away. And the crumbs? Seriously? Aren't there always crumbs on a kitchen counter? I mean, honestly, that isn't a big deal – or shouldn't be, anyways. Especially the fact that she had left her robe on the damn chair to begin with. So, the witch says that later today, we're going to talk about my having a deadline to change or moving out. Okay, my thing is, if you can't accept me as who I am, then you aren't really worth my time. If you don't like who I am and try to change me, then you need to clean your house first. Because I try to do stuff and you can't handle the fact that I am not like the "great" person that you are. I am sorry, but you are not great if you try to change someone else before trying to change yourself.

Anyhow, the witch has people over, and I managed to get out of the house for awhile; so, I am hanging out at a local café, typing away my life issues onto my blog. Whatever, I'm not going to sit around her house and bother her and her tennis dorks, as they sit there and gossip about people. Yeah, I know, I am kind of a hypocrite, because I gossip about people (er, just a person – the witch), but it's not constant. It's just to my best friend (Ashley, the older sister I never had), and we talk about the witch a couple times a week, but it's only because Ashley agrees with me that she is a witch. And we aren't hurting anyone.

Granted, I could've done better, I could've been more aware of what's going on, but can't she find a better way to handle the situation? Instead of, you know, bitching at me and screaming at me and just straight up being a witch. Because that doesn't help the situation.

So, anyhow…. I met a guy at work. Well, he works with me at work. He's a cashier. He goes to Michigan State University in East Lansing. He started working at Busch's over the summer and is back for the holiday break, only to leave within the first week of January. His name is Kevin, and he's kinda cute, with his dimples, brown eyes, brown, curly hair…. He's 5'8" or 9", kinda thin, and sorta reminds me of the skater types. But the cute, skater types who possibly surf over summer break. I dunno, I don't think anything is going to happen. He's only around for about 2.5 weeks, and then he's going back to school. Plus, I don't think he likes me. Much. He doesn't like me much. If he does, just as a friend.

Four days until the witch leaves for France, and we'll have 8 days to chill, veg and be happy. 8 days of no parents is probably the best thing that could happen right about now, because I need a break. Seriously. I can't stand having people down my throat all the time like that.

Anyhow, I know I am ranting, I know that I shouldn't do that. But sometimes, it's good to rant. It helps me clear my head a little bit.

So, anyways, I am kind of tired, I am ready for today to just be over. But it is far from over. It's only 1.30 pm and we've got a few hours before I can go to bed. But I just want to sit around and watch movies all afternoon, but the witch has other plans, apparently. Whatever, I think I will live (I think? I know I will, dammit.).

So, I don't know what my mom will say later, I don't know what kind of deadline she is going to make for me, but I think I am just going to take one day at a time and live to make things a little bit better; however, I don't think that it is just me that needs to change. I think everybody needs to change, even if it is a little bit, for the better. And if I have to change to make others realize that they need to change, then so be it, because, frankly, I am so damn tired of everybody saying that I need to change and nobody changing themselves. If my parents see that, then it's a victory, because then, at least, I've proven something to them.

I'm changing!!!

Shit, man. I mean, whatever. If nobody gives a damn whether I change or not, then I am screwed. Because if I change and they don't care, then why the hell did I change? I don't know. And, frankly, I really don't care whether they care if I change or not, because I am changing for me – well, kind of also because they want me to change, but it's not for them that I am doing it.

Whatever, if they can't take me either way, then they're f-ing assholes.

Anyways, I think that maybe … one day I can show them that I am a good person and they couldn't see it now. Hopefully, I can be that bigger person and show them that I can be the better person, as well.

Hopefully, that one day isn't too far off.

Okay, well, I am going to get myself some lunch. Have a great day, guys!

[Somebody hit me in the head… oh, yeah, it’s almost Christmas]

One week until the big day. Yup, it's almost Christmas, guys. And hopefully, this next week will be less stressful (emphasis on less.). I think that it should be, because my dad leaves for France tomorrow. I will be working this evening, so I won't see much of him. My mom follows him a week after he leaves (yea, he is gone for Christmas; I don't know if I should be happy or sad, but it will definitely be less stressful without him around….). I think that it will be good for them to be away for awhile. If not for their mental health, then for their relationship. But they come back the 3^rd of next month, so I mean, it won't be like they're gone for the whole winter season, or anything.

I am hopefully done with my Christmas shopping, although I do have a week if I need to get anything for anyone else. I might get small things for everybody; you know, stuff to put in their stockings (well, shit, my dad is opening his gifts this evening, and I didn't get him shit. Oh, well, I think he'll live). At least, I can get small stuff for everyone else. I got stuff for my sister (earrings, a fragrance mist and a book) and I got my mom some scented lotion. However, it'd be nice to get my brother something, even if it is small. For my dad, well, I can email him a poem or something, seeing as to I am pretty good at writing (if I do say so, myself.). See? Despite my anger, I can still do something nice for them.

So, anyways.

Despite not having my grandmother for Christmas this year, I think that we're going to be okay. I mean, she isn't here with us physically, but she certainly here with us in spirit. She wouldn't want us to be sad that she isn't here. If she were here, she'd scold us and tell us that it is Christmas, that we shouldn't be sad, but merry and that it isn't about her being gone. It's about us spending time with one another and being happy to be in each other's company. And that was the lesson that my mom and grandmother tried to instill in us for so long. Although, when we were younger, I don't think we care; we were more into our presents than spending time with one another.

I am hoping that after this week, things will get better. I mean, Christmas seems more stressful than it should be (for crying out loud, people, I don't know why you're so stressed during the MOST HAPPIEST TIME OF THE DAMN YEAR!!!!!), so, I guess that might have something to do with how stressed out my parents are. But I think that us kids do need to do a little bit better with our responsibilities and how we act. Granted, my sister is turning 17 in almost two weeks, I am 21 in less than two months and my brother is just 14, but we are old enough to know better. But it doesn't help that our parents think that it is okay to set parameters on how they think we should act and be and, and, and…. You know? But, I mean, if we respected the fact that we live in their house and acted a bit better, they wouldn't be as stressed, especially during this time of year.

Whatever. Merry Christmas, mom and dad, for realizing something that you've been trying to beat into our heads for the past few years. You know, you hear something enough, you learn it. Like I said, whatever.

But on the other side of that token, should they have the right to act like they do when something doesn't go their way? Because we're their kids, is there some set of rules that we don't know about that allows them to get this stressed and angry at us whenever we don't do something right? Should we be following what they want down to a t to make them happy?

We're their kids, yes. But do they own us? I don't think that's how it goes. Yes, we are their kids, but I don't think that gives them the right to get pissed at us for doing something wrong. I mean, life tests us so that we learn lessons, right? So, why don't they let us learn our lessons without their reservations and fears?

They don't want us making the same mistakes they did, and I get that. But still. We can't learn what is right for us if they don't let us do that for ourselves. Or am I wrong in thinking that? I don't know, I'm just writing and rambling, hoping that an answer will smack me in the face.

Okay, senseless babbling is over. I have to get some shit done before I go to work in about an hour and a half.

Well, I mean, in a minute.

I mean, I like to randomly type (or write). Because sometimes things seem more in perspective after I write it out. Or maybe I can get some perspective from other people. Who knows? Right?

So, anyway…

… is it already Tuesday? No way, I am not ready for the rest of the week. Ugh. Whatever, I will live, right?

Okay, so the siblings are home and I think the dog needs to go out, so I'll leave with this.

Have a great day (and week, if I don't write again this week.).

I hope that you and yours have a wonderful, happy, blessed Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Yuletide, and whatever holiday you celebrate this holiday season.

And don't forget to tell your mother, father, grandparents, daughters, brothers, sons, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins that you love them, because you don't know how long you have with them. And, oh, yeah, it's the holiday season!!!! J Have a great one.

~Charly

[I throw my armor down and leave the battleground for the final time now. I, I, I know I’m running from a warzone. –THE WANTED]

I mean, is it bad enough that my parents are all over my case about whatever bullshit they feel the need is okay to get all over my ass for? I guess they don't think it's enough, because they are bitching at my about having shit on my floor (I mean, seriously, what 20 year old doesn't have shit on their floor?), about not working enough hours (and that's my fault, how?), about how my mom wants the house fricking perfect as hell, and that she doesn't care if we get "wrapped around a tree", as long as her house is fucking perfect (which basically means she doesn't care if we die, as long as the house is clean.). And forgive my language, but I think that this bullshit merits some foul language. I just think that it's bullshit. My mother (my own flesh and blood), called me a do nothing sack of shit who doesn't care about anything. But here's the thing: I went grocery shopping for her yesterday morning, I cleaned the kitchen and made sure her house was ready for our family Christmas gathering yesterday (okay, well, I wasn't the only one doing shit, but still…). And she then goes on to complain that I don't have any money for anything. Uh, okay, and now I wonder why half the time I have no cash in the bank. I know a lot of the time it is because I just spend it all on shit that I don't need. But when she is asking me to do her grocery shopping with my money, it gets kind of really aggravating. Like, what am I supposed to do, tell her no, I can't because I don't have any money to spend on her shit?

Whatever, I'm just done with the fucking bullshit. I just wish that she (well, they, because both my parents are assholes half the time, it feels like) realizes that she isn't the only one affected in this whole thing. I mean, I understand where she is coming from. But my whole thing is that my parents don't live in their children's rooms at all, let alone on a regular basis. I mean, yeah, my dad shares closet space with me and my brother (which I totally don't get, mind you, it boggles my mind), but even then, he's only in our rooms a couple times a week. If ever. It's not like he lives and sleeps in my room. He's not the one who sees it every day. I mean, seriously.

Like I said, what-the-fuck-ever. I am just so sick of the drama and bullshit in this house. It drives me nuts. I'm not even kidding when I say that I'm just ready for the world to end (which, mind you is supposed to be four days from now. Well, we'll see, because we survived Y2K, swine flu, mad cow disease, bird flu, 9/11 and other bullshit like that.). And that is kind of saying something.

Okay, I am done ranting. Until something else like this happens, which is more likely to happen than not. Like, seriously, I'm not even going to bet on the fact.

So, anyhow.

I'm working, I'm writing, I'm trying to live life. Which is kind of hard because my parents want me to live the life they want me to live and not the life that I want to live. It sucks, but what can I do about it? In my mom's words, "When you live under my roof, you live by my rules." Whoever came up with that saying is kind of an ass. I feel like it's the battle cry for parents everywhere. I am just saying. But I said I was done ranting.

I am writing a Beauty and the Beast-esque book. Let's see if this one can actually get finished, huh? But this book is from the girl's point of view, instead of the beast's (or guy's) point of view. I just thought that it would be interesting because I haven't read or seen a Beauty in the Beast type story in that view yet. And I think it would be cool to get into the girl's head for a change, rather than the guy's side of the story. This way, you can see the guy's transformation, but you can also see what the girl is going through, in a more in-depth way. At least, that is how I am thinking of it as. Or maybe it's just another Beauty and the Beast book. I just don't know. As far as I am in the book, there is not much content and not much going on yet. Well, damn. I thought it'd be good by now. Haha, whatever. It will be, when I am finally done with it. I hope, anyways.

Anyways, I think I am done writing for tonight. I am tired and I am going to watch a movie before bed. At least, attempt to. I don't know how far I am going to get into the movie to actually call it watching the movie. But who knows?

Goodnight, guys.

~Charly

(you cast a spell on me, spell on me. you hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me. and i decided you look well on me, well on me. so let's go somewhere else where no one else can see you and me. turn the lights out now. now i take you by the hand. hand you another drink. drink it if you can. can you spend a little time? time is slipping away, away from us so stay, stay with me i can make, make you glad you came. ~THE WANTED)

hey, guys. i haven't been blogging like i should have been. i'm sorry, guys. i've just been real busy, especially the past couple weeks. i worked more than fifty hours in the past two weeks together.... i worked every day this past week (yes, including thanksgiving), and today is my first day off.
i celebrated thanksgiving three days in a row. tuesday night, i celebrated with ashley and michael because michael had to work on thursday... we had a pot lock on wednesday, and there was a shit ton of food (i made awesome chocolate chip cookies, by the way. mmhmm.). and thursday, we had pizza at work and i celebrated with the family. ashley came over for a few hours and i went to her house for an hour or two afterward. it was an amazing thanksgiving.
then i worked yesterday, and we were soooo dead that i got to leave an hour early. it was insane. but i liked it because i worked hard the rest of the week.
i tried to text laura and say that i was sorry (for what, i have no idea, because for what i know, i didn't do anything wrong to begin with), and we ended up having a fight. like, seriously? for all i know, i did nothing wrong (at least, to have us stop talking - she said that she thought we were acquantances, and we'd talk for ten seconds and that was that...), and she was like, yeah, well, i thought we weren't friends and just acquantances, and we'd leave it at that. but i said i was just saying that i was sorry and maybe we could be friends? she basically said that she didn't want to be friends anymore and that i could screw off. yeah, okay. i'm being the bigger person and saying that i am sorry, and you can't even accept it. cool.
anyways.
my dad is trying to get me to go back to school because he wants me back in school. okay, well, dad, i don't know if school is the right thing for me. maybe i just want to keep doing what i am doing right now, and if school is something that i want to go back to, then okay. but don't be spending your money on my deciding whether i want to stay in school or not.
and the fact that my parents want me to do things because they want me to do them is fricking ridiculous. dude, if i am not willing or ready to do whatever it is you want me to do it, then don't force me to do it. i will get to it when i am ready for it. but, i guess they just want the best for me. even though what they are trying to do is kind of messed up, because they want me to do what they want me to do. and i don't know if i want to do that.
okay, i am done complaining.
i love my new job (my job that i've been at for about three months now). generally, people there are nice. i love the atmosphere, the people, the emotional climate, everything. it's great. definately more positive than working at the hell hole that i worked at before. i enjoy it, and i don't have to put on a mask. they know me better than anyone did at burger king (except for ashley, who knows me better than anyone at all). they know the real me. or as real as i want to get with them.
okay, well, i am going to sign off, because i have stuff to do. i <3 ya guys. have a good night.
~Charly