Soooooo. Big news. I'm going home. And not "home" as in back to my parents' house. Home as in back to my hometown of Paris, France. Back to where I belong. I'm moving there. And hopefully soon. I'm looking for an Au Pair there for at least six months, so I can get myself on my feet, find myself a job and my own place to stay. I'm also going back because I feel like there's something more for me there than there is here. Here, I'm held down by my demons, shackled down by all the shit that's gone on here.
But... The only thing that is bad about this is that my girlfriend is sad and upset and kind of mad at me about this. She's been crying all day because of it. We already live 1800 miles away from each other. When I move, it'll put a greater strain on our relationship, because I'm moving home. Further away than what we already are. She's moving to Denver, Colorado in February, though. Which will put an even BIGGER distance between us. It's killing me that I can't do anything about it. I mean, she's happy that I'm going back home and doing what's right for me. But is it right for US? I'll be home for a couple years, it's not going to be easy. I seriously don't want to lose her over this. I really don't. I want to be with her, I want to be where she is so that I can comfort her and tell her everything is going to be alright.
On one side of the token, it's something that will be good for me. It will do me sooo much good. To be home, to get away from the demons and the shit here.
On the other, it's hurting both my girlfriend AND me. because I'm the one putting a strain on the relationship. I'm the one who's moving away.
I just don't know what to do.
I told my mom what I want to do. She was along the same lines as me. That, because I don't know what I want to do, this will probably help me at least see what the world is like. I mean, I know that my parents will miss me, but it's not like I won't see them or they won't see me ever again. They both also have dual citizenship. And if they really want to see me, they can afford the trip.
It's going to be hard because the only life I know is here in the States. All my friends are here. My job is here. Everything. But that's beside the point. Just thinking about being home in a few months' time has me longing for the city streets. For the cafes there. The people watching. Despite not being a tourist, all the tourist traps, like the Eiffel Tower, Notre-Dame, the catacombs. The animosity I'll have in the big city. Just the fact that I'll be in my hometown again. The longing is powerful.
I have to finish a couple things before bed and it's already just about 2 am. I'm exhausted but this needs done. I'm already trying to get things set in motion so I can go home.
Have a good night all. xxx