[I've been waiting for this moment all my life/Now all my dreams are coming true, yeah/I've been waiting for this moment/Feels good to be alive right about now ~~Andy Grammar||Good to Be Alive]

It's been three and a half months since I last wrote. And a lot has happened. There's kind of a lot to sift through right now.
So, I have been working. I finally got a job at a pharmacy in a hospital. That I ended up leaving because there was so much. I don't know. I just felt like I couldn't ask questions or learn anything or, you know, grow in that environment. Well, I mean, I probably could have. But the environment that the pharmacist made almost felt oppressive. And I probably didn't handle it the right way, nor am I going to try and say that I did. But less than a week later, I landed a job at my local Walgreens as something they call a designated hitter. I'm working on the front end and in the pharmacy. Which is good, because I still get pharmacy experience.
The biggest difference between the hospital and Walgreens is that, at Walgreens, everyone is very open and accepting, welcoming. I can ask questions, and learn, and make sure I understand everything. I feel like it's a place where I can flourish and become someone, whereas, at the hospital, I felt like I couldn't do any of that. I feel like Walgreens is a really good environment for me. And that's what I appreciate.
I'm working on bettering myself. Part of it is trying to be healthier. I'm trying to eat healthier - eating more fruits and veggies, eating the right foods, etc. - , starting to try and get out and move more. Be more mindful of what I do to be healthy.
I'm thinking about going back to school. I know, I know. Shocker. It's been so long since I've been to school that it's kind of nerve-wreaking thinking about it. But I think it'll be worth it in the end, because who doesn't benefit from getting a higher education?
I am trying to be more mindful of the world around me. Trying. That part is the hardest part, to be honest. But I'm working on it. Slowly but surely, I will get there.
I think the most important part, though, is accepting who I am and loving me for who I am. That is proving to be the most important part. And, frankly, it's not like I give myself the chance to do that. I think it would be so much easier for me to focus on losing weight and being healthier if I learned to love and accept myself. It would make so much difference in my life. But it's hard. And I don't really know how to. But I am figuring it out - and that's all that matters.
Okay, it's getting late, and I think I should sign off now.
Have a great night, blogisphere.

[Wish we could turn back time to the good old days, when mama sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out.... -Twenty One Pilotes||Stressed Out]

Okay, great news.... I got my final scores last week Friday for my certification exam. I did OFFICIALLY pass! And I got an unofficial copy of my certificate I could print off for my records. It's great, it's got my name written on it all pretty like and everything. The only struggle is the job search. Which seems easy now, considering that I've stressed myself out way too damn much about studying for the exam.
So this morning, we're babysitting my cousin's baby. My sister has him twice a week. So the baby's been here since eight. And I have been up since then. I helped my sister with the baby, I ate breakfast, and I used the toilet.... I sit myself down at the computer to start my job search. Then my dad comes into the room, and asks me what my plan is for the day. I tell him.
Then he gets all judgmental on me and he's like, "So, you're starting your day now? At... What time is it?" Like, no, dad, I started it this morning when I helped with the baby before I could even eat. What the hell do you mean, I'm just starting my day at ten in the morning?? Like, NO! See what the hell I do with my day when I am home and we have the baby! Buzz off and how about you go about your own day?
If my mom had a problem with me doing anything else but job searching, she would have said something.
Plus, I'm 24 years old, not 15. Like, get a handle on your life and let me try to be an adult for five minutes before you come in and destroy me. Because I can't go about trying to be an adult if you keep treating me like a child. If I mess up while trying to be an adult, then by all means, help me, and then say something, but say it as an adult speaking to another adult.
Like, screw you and the high horse you came in on. Who died and made you king of everything?

Okay, I guess I'm too stressed out about this. But it just pisses me off when he thinks he can go about judging me and putting some sort of control on my life for me (instead of letting me do that myself).

[New Contributor!!]

Hello, hello, fellow bloggers!!
We would like to welcome a new contributor on this blog, Tabz. I hope you guys will give her a warm welcome when she posts.
Tabz and I have been friends for years; we met in Semester II astrology class in our senior year of high school and have been friends ever since. We're not going into how many years ago that was; I feel old just thinking about it. We've been through break ups, bad breaks, graduation, positivity, birthdays.... and it's been a great few years; we're hoping for many more as great friends!!
Welcome, Tabz, to life as I know it... :)

[on this day in history, let it be remembered that I continue to find the best in myself.]

I worked today from 11-3:15, came home and helped my sister with dinner, then I ate a snack, starting to study afterwards. Before the sun set, my mom, sister, and I went on a walk with the dog - she was so happy!!! - then I sat down again to try and study. But I'm struggling with depression again.
I found it so hard just now to focus on the studying I need to get done, to memorize the pharmacology that I need to know. I just couldn't keep it together. I am frustrated with myself because I can't figure out the best way to handle this.
I realize that we all have our good days and our bad days. We all carry our own burdens. I know mine is no heavier or lighter than the next person's. My burden might seem light to someone else. But I don't ever doubt that the next person's burden isn't as heavy to carry as mine is for me. Because, even if I do know what that person is going through, for that person, it may be one of the heaviest things in the world.
But that's beside the point. It seems like that more days than not, I am just empty. Or feeling alone, hopeless, numb, whatever. And I hate it because I am letting my depression get the best of me. Which isn't healthy. I know it isn't. But I just have no motivation or will to change it.
I hate myself for even allowing it to ever control me. I know it's a mental issue, and the brain is a muscle. So, we should treat mental illness like we treat problems we have with our muscles. But, with mental illness, it's so much harder to deal with it. Because mind over matter, mind controls our bodies and how we perceive reality. But if something infects our mind, it alters our reality, it alters the way we think.
I just feel like ... I'm letting my depression defeat me. Sometimes it's not so hard to defeat depression. I tell myself I'm a good person, compassionate, caring, empathetic, loving. I find the good within me and I feel better. I move on. If that doesn't work, I listen to music or write, or find a different way to escape reality until I feel like I've defeated my depression for the moment, not the other way around.
But there are days where it seems depression is defeating me. And I just feel so lost, or sad, or self-hating.... until I feel numb, until I can't feel anything anymore.... until I'm empty. Then I'm just a shell, going through the motions, not even caring that there's a life that I have to live. That there's experiences out there that I'll be missing if I don't just "snap out of it."
What I hate is that society stigmatizes mental illness, and tells us that we SHOULD just "snap out of it" and go on with our lives. It's like telling color blind people to "just see colors" or a paraplegic to "just go walk" and you'll be okay. No, we help the color blind and the paraplegic and the diabetic and the handicapped.... But society won't de-stigmatize those of us with mental illnesses we can't see.
I don't know. Today is just an off day, and I hope tomorrow is better. But right now? I just feel numb. Completely empty. There's just nothing there. At all....
Well, it's almost dinner time. I better go help set the table and help get dinner together....
Have a good night, blogisphere.

[how the time past away, all the troubles that we gave... -Daughtry||September]

Good evening, blogisvere!!!
so, sometime in the past month and a half was my 24th birthday. nothing spectacular. just all kinds of whatnots, I guess. I started back at Panera, where it's been absolutely hectic. we started Panera 2.0.... better customer service, more crazy what the f**k, more useless bogusness that we don't really need. but that's just my humble opinion. i'm studying for this exam still, and haven't gotten very far. i'm having issues with the pharmacology. it's a pain in the ass, but i'll get it. eventually.
I have finally figured out who my friends aren't, and i'm moving on with my life. focusing on myself right now, because i'm the only one i'll have forever, quite frankly. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't need fake people as my "friends". it gets old pretty quickly, in my opinion. and if they're just there for the good stuff, are they really friends? I didn't think so.
I am also looking for a pharmacy technician job now, hopefully will get one soon. I hope that it will work out, because I didn't go to school for seven months for absolutely nothing at all. yeesh. after I start, maybe i'll go back to school. I will save up money. maybe get another tattoo. definitely take a trip somewhere. do some more writing because I haven't written in about a month or so, and I feel terrible. we'll see what happens.
this post is unbearably short today, guys, and i'm sorry. but I have to study and unfortunately, this isn't studying. but hopefully more this weekend, as I have Saturday off again. so WAHOO!!!
have a good Thursday evening, enjoy it with the family, and enjoy this moderately decent weather we're getting!!!!
mucho love-o!!! xoxo!!

(just random thoughts.... inspirational, humbling, a random blurb of late night thoughts.... feel free to pass it in, for whatever it's worth, to someone who may need it.)

There's really nothing like it,
Nothing like looking at the stars,
Seeing them and realizing that one day,
Long ago,
You were once stardust....
Just tiny particles floating in space.
Just stop and think,
Appreciate it.
We're all destined for greatness.
When it comes right down to it,
We were written in the stars.
Maybe not now.
But we were once.
Because we are great,
Greater than what society leads us to believe,
Greater than we allow ourselves to believe.
Despite being just the smallest blip in the world's history,
Not even a particle of dust compared to the whole, wide Universe,
We're just as great.
After all, we are nothing but stardust,
Created from the heart of the Universe.

[Now I'm wearing this smile I don't believe in; inside I feel like screaming. -Anon]

The absolute worst feeling in the world is fearing that you don't have enough years in your life to realize your dreams, but not having the energy to do anything. It's not wanting to leave your house, let alone your room, because you don't want to go through talking with people, and telling yourself you don't really deserve to have a good time anyways. It's the fear of failing, but not caring. It's the fear of not having enough time to figure out what you want to do, but telling yourself you'll fail anyways, so what's the point?
It's having anxiety and being depressed at the same time. It's something that I struggle with every day. Knowing that I have to find a job, asking myself 'What if I don't find one?", but telling myself that I don't really deserve to have a good life, nor would anyone want to hire me anyways. It's being a crowd of people and being afraid that I'll say something wrong because I have social anxiety, but also just wanting to sit in the corner and stop caring about the world around me.
Maybe that's why I didn't try in school when I went to college. I was so scared of failing, of not being good enough of a student, that I wanted to do well, but telling myself that I am already too much of a screw up, so why try?
I sabotage everything that I do because I can't figure out how to navigate through these thoughts and emotions. It's sabotaging all my past relationships because I can't figure out which disorder is screwing me up more. Do I worry too much about what other people think about my life that I don't want to socialize? Do I ruin my personal relationships because I don't care enough to put any energy in?
Or maybe it's the anxiety talking...
I've wanted to write a post for the past couple days, but I didn't have the energy....
... which definitely the depression talking.
Don't get me wrong, I do have my good days. I get like three or four hours of studying in, then about five hours of job searching, with maybe some cleaning around the house and going to the gym... potentially have plans for the evening. Things click, and I have energy and motivation for everything, not really caring about what people think or how they react to me.
But then there are the days that I wake up, and just stare at the ceiling, thinking, I don't really have the energy to get up, I'm not really smart enough to pass this exam, I don't want to talk to people, what was I thinking when I first woke up? Why do I have to deal with today? I hate talking to people, I hate people, I don't have the energy, NO NO NO!!!
And then there are the days where it's just the depression. I'll sit in front of my book and notebook, telling myself that it's not really worth it. I'm not good enough to pass this exam anyway. Or I'll be in front of my computer, looking at online job search sites, and tell myself, meh, I don't have the energy for this, so I'll just sit here and stare at the screen, just randomly clicking stuff without reading anything. Then a friend will text me, asking me if I'm free, but telling him/her that maybe not tonight, maybe next time, because I just don't care. I just don't have the energy to get out of my pajamas.
Or the days where it's just the anxiety. Reading everything in my book because I worry that I don't know enough at all, or looking on those same websites, clicking on everything that I think is a good match, but thinking that I don't really want to have to go through the interview, because am I really a people person? NO!, my mind will scream at me. Most DEFINITELY not!!!! Then wondering whether I'm insane through putting myself through this. And having friends call me, asking to do something, I'm just like.... I don't want people to judge me, I don't want to have to put myself through that, NO!
What a vicious, exhausting, brutal cycle. And, it seems, like I can't break it.
But it's not like I can talk about it. I don't.
My sister and my mom have made it known that they're depressed, my sister more than once. Even when I wanted to, I don't know what I would say.
Even if I tried, they would be brutally honest, saying that it can't be as bad as theirs, all this extra, and what if that makes me worse?
I don't even try. I keep it to myself. Because, no matter what, it would seem like my troubles won't be as bad as theirs. They would make light of it, like it's whatever, or it's nothing. And yet, the struggle goes on, silent and cruel.
Maybe I shouldn't post this, because I don't know what people would say, and I fear that everyone will put me under the microscope, wondering what part of my mind is messed up.
But I didn't even have the energy to write this post, nor did I care to have the energy, so it would be useless if I didn't post this.
The struggle goes on, silent and cruel...
... such a vicious cycle.
"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore

[Oh, I fall in love just a little, oh, little bit every day with someone new. -Hozier||Someone New]

Good morning, afternoon, or evening to you wherever you are.
I'm so sorry that it's taken me a year to get back to posting back here. It's been a very crazy, hectic, crazy, weird, intense year. It's been full of love, friendships, learning, drama, breakups... All the usual life things. You know how it goes. I hope.
So, let me get re-organized and go through my past year, get my thoughts together right.
Last year, I turned 23, worked at Panera Bread for five months, then left to go to trade school. My trade ended up being Pharmacy Technology. Interesting field. I learned so much from my teacher, my mentor, and all the students I was in class with. I also thought I was in love while I was in school. However, we were together for six months, my ex and I, before I broke up with her. She was 19, acting like a child, wasn't motivated. Nothing. Even though she finished school in September, I had pushed her to find a job and/or retake the military entrance exam in order to do what she needed or wanted. I got fed up after a five weeks of trying to be an adult for her. If I kept being one for her, where did that leave me after I finished school? Right back where I was before I started - being unmotivated, without drive, sitting on my ass, not going to school, working a crappy part time job. I couldn't be an adult for two people - hell, being an adult for one person is hard enough; I don't need the extra stress of being an adult for someone else, too. What's with that? But I talked to my mom about the whole thing with my ex. Mom was telling me that I broke up with her with all the right reasons, being somewhat adult about it.
But all the drama that ensued was ridiculous! I do have to admit, I was part of the blame of the drama. I didn't act very adult about it half the time. But I got over it. Because this was a lesson. My old roommate from school had a saying that went, "It's either a lesson or a blessing." "It's a lesson or a blessin'," she'd tell me, "either you have something to learn, or it's something good!" But I changed it a little bit after this whole dramatic bullcrap. The blessing is in the lesson, especially with what I went through here. I learned to get not depend on someone else to the point of need, to know when a relationship is toxic, to move on. I also learned what I wanted, what I needed, and what I didn't want or need out of a relationship.
So, anyways, I finished school about a month ago. I'm having a difficult time trying to transfer my pharmacy technician licensure from the State of Illinois to the State of Michigan. But I should (hopefully) have it by the end of the month. It's crazy because I should have done this long before I finished school. And I am so mad at myself because I didn't do it. Why didn't I apply directly for Michigan licensure? And if I couldn't, why didn't I apply for a transfer before I finished with school? Yeah, I wasn't very smart.
School itself wasn't bad. There were a lot of people who had nothing better to do that to start drama. It was like their life mission to piss people off, start rumors, and get other people kicked out. It was like, do you not have anything better to do with your life? Like get the education you came here for? Stop mooching off other people's money and do something with yourself, yeah? Because without school, they don't have anything.
I found my personality twin at school. We are very much alike in how we think and act and in our personalities that it's kind of scary. We finish each other's sentences, we know each other's taste in guys, we both know how each other thinks. Hell, we even chose the same trade. We are both very driven in what we want to do. It's like talking to me... except she's taller, blond, and likes different sports teams. But we're both fairly passionate about the teams we follow.
Anyhow, I've been out of school for about a month, trying to study for the pharmacy board exam (you know, just a run of the mill, nationally certifying exam. no pressure), and looking for a job. It's been fun, fun, fun. Actually, not really. But, as soon as I pass this exam, I'm sure that I'll feel a bit better.
Okay, well, I'm about to go eat lunch, so I'll let you guys go.
Stay grand.