Hello, hello, fellow bloggers!!
We would like to welcome a new contributor on this blog, Tabz. I hope you guys will give her a warm welcome when she posts.
Tabz and I have been friends for years; we met in Semester II astrology class in our senior year of high school and have been friends ever since. We're not going into how many years ago that was; I feel old just thinking about it. We've been through break ups, bad breaks, graduation, positivity, birthdays.... and it's been a great few years; we're hoping for many more as great friends!!
Welcome, Tabz, to life as I know it... :)
Monday, 28 March 2016
Friday, 11 March 2016
[on this day in history, let it be remembered that I continue to find the best in myself.]
I worked today from 11-3:15, came home and helped my sister with dinner, then I ate a snack, starting to study afterwards. Before the sun set, my mom, sister, and I went on a walk with the dog - she was so happy!!! - then I sat down again to try and study. But I'm struggling with depression again.
I found it so hard just now to focus on the studying I need to get done, to memorize the pharmacology that I need to know. I just couldn't keep it together. I am frustrated with myself because I can't figure out the best way to handle this.
I realize that we all have our good days and our bad days. We all carry our own burdens. I know mine is no heavier or lighter than the next person's. My burden might seem light to someone else. But I don't ever doubt that the next person's burden isn't as heavy to carry as mine is for me. Because, even if I do know what that person is going through, for that person, it may be one of the heaviest things in the world.
But that's beside the point. It seems like that more days than not, I am just empty. Or feeling alone, hopeless, numb, whatever. And I hate it because I am letting my depression get the best of me. Which isn't healthy. I know it isn't. But I just have no motivation or will to change it.
I hate myself for even allowing it to ever control me. I know it's a mental issue, and the brain is a muscle. So, we should treat mental illness like we treat problems we have with our muscles. But, with mental illness, it's so much harder to deal with it. Because mind over matter, mind controls our bodies and how we perceive reality. But if something infects our mind, it alters our reality, it alters the way we think.
I just feel like ... I'm letting my depression defeat me. Sometimes it's not so hard to defeat depression. I tell myself I'm a good person, compassionate, caring, empathetic, loving. I find the good within me and I feel better. I move on. If that doesn't work, I listen to music or write, or find a different way to escape reality until I feel like I've defeated my depression for the moment, not the other way around.
But there are days where it seems depression is defeating me. And I just feel so lost, or sad, or self-hating.... until I feel numb, until I can't feel anything anymore.... until I'm empty. Then I'm just a shell, going through the motions, not even caring that there's a life that I have to live. That there's experiences out there that I'll be missing if I don't just "snap out of it."
What I hate is that society stigmatizes mental illness, and tells us that we SHOULD just "snap out of it" and go on with our lives. It's like telling color blind people to "just see colors" or a paraplegic to "just go walk" and you'll be okay. No, we help the color blind and the paraplegic and the diabetic and the handicapped.... But society won't de-stigmatize those of us with mental illnesses we can't see.
I don't know. Today is just an off day, and I hope tomorrow is better. But right now? I just feel numb. Completely empty. There's just nothing there. At all....
Well, it's almost dinner time. I better go help set the table and help get dinner together....
Have a good night, blogisphere.
I found it so hard just now to focus on the studying I need to get done, to memorize the pharmacology that I need to know. I just couldn't keep it together. I am frustrated with myself because I can't figure out the best way to handle this.
I realize that we all have our good days and our bad days. We all carry our own burdens. I know mine is no heavier or lighter than the next person's. My burden might seem light to someone else. But I don't ever doubt that the next person's burden isn't as heavy to carry as mine is for me. Because, even if I do know what that person is going through, for that person, it may be one of the heaviest things in the world.
But that's beside the point. It seems like that more days than not, I am just empty. Or feeling alone, hopeless, numb, whatever. And I hate it because I am letting my depression get the best of me. Which isn't healthy. I know it isn't. But I just have no motivation or will to change it.
I hate myself for even allowing it to ever control me. I know it's a mental issue, and the brain is a muscle. So, we should treat mental illness like we treat problems we have with our muscles. But, with mental illness, it's so much harder to deal with it. Because mind over matter, mind controls our bodies and how we perceive reality. But if something infects our mind, it alters our reality, it alters the way we think.
I just feel like ... I'm letting my depression defeat me. Sometimes it's not so hard to defeat depression. I tell myself I'm a good person, compassionate, caring, empathetic, loving. I find the good within me and I feel better. I move on. If that doesn't work, I listen to music or write, or find a different way to escape reality until I feel like I've defeated my depression for the moment, not the other way around.
But there are days where it seems depression is defeating me. And I just feel so lost, or sad, or self-hating.... until I feel numb, until I can't feel anything anymore.... until I'm empty. Then I'm just a shell, going through the motions, not even caring that there's a life that I have to live. That there's experiences out there that I'll be missing if I don't just "snap out of it."
What I hate is that society stigmatizes mental illness, and tells us that we SHOULD just "snap out of it" and go on with our lives. It's like telling color blind people to "just see colors" or a paraplegic to "just go walk" and you'll be okay. No, we help the color blind and the paraplegic and the diabetic and the handicapped.... But society won't de-stigmatize those of us with mental illnesses we can't see.
I don't know. Today is just an off day, and I hope tomorrow is better. But right now? I just feel numb. Completely empty. There's just nothing there. At all....
Well, it's almost dinner time. I better go help set the table and help get dinner together....
Have a good night, blogisphere.
Thursday, 10 March 2016
[how the time past away, all the troubles that we gave... -Daughtry||September]
Good evening, blogisvere!!!
so, sometime in the past month and a half was my 24th birthday. nothing spectacular. just all kinds of whatnots, I guess. I started back at Panera, where it's been absolutely hectic. we started Panera 2.0.... better customer service, more crazy what the f**k, more useless bogusness that we don't really need. but that's just my humble opinion. i'm studying for this exam still, and haven't gotten very far. i'm having issues with the pharmacology. it's a pain in the ass, but i'll get it. eventually.
I have finally figured out who my friends aren't, and i'm moving on with my life. focusing on myself right now, because i'm the only one i'll have forever, quite frankly. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't need fake people as my "friends". it gets old pretty quickly, in my opinion. and if they're just there for the good stuff, are they really friends? I didn't think so.
I am also looking for a pharmacy technician job now, hopefully will get one soon. I hope that it will work out, because I didn't go to school for seven months for absolutely nothing at all. yeesh. after I start, maybe i'll go back to school. I will save up money. maybe get another tattoo. definitely take a trip somewhere. do some more writing because I haven't written in about a month or so, and I feel terrible. we'll see what happens.
this post is unbearably short today, guys, and i'm sorry. but I have to study and unfortunately, this isn't studying. but hopefully more this weekend, as I have Saturday off again. so WAHOO!!!
have a good Thursday evening, enjoy it with the family, and enjoy this moderately decent weather we're getting!!!!
mucho love-o!!! xoxo!!
so, sometime in the past month and a half was my 24th birthday. nothing spectacular. just all kinds of whatnots, I guess. I started back at Panera, where it's been absolutely hectic. we started Panera 2.0.... better customer service, more crazy what the f**k, more useless bogusness that we don't really need. but that's just my humble opinion. i'm studying for this exam still, and haven't gotten very far. i'm having issues with the pharmacology. it's a pain in the ass, but i'll get it. eventually.
I have finally figured out who my friends aren't, and i'm moving on with my life. focusing on myself right now, because i'm the only one i'll have forever, quite frankly. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't need fake people as my "friends". it gets old pretty quickly, in my opinion. and if they're just there for the good stuff, are they really friends? I didn't think so.
I am also looking for a pharmacy technician job now, hopefully will get one soon. I hope that it will work out, because I didn't go to school for seven months for absolutely nothing at all. yeesh. after I start, maybe i'll go back to school. I will save up money. maybe get another tattoo. definitely take a trip somewhere. do some more writing because I haven't written in about a month or so, and I feel terrible. we'll see what happens.
this post is unbearably short today, guys, and i'm sorry. but I have to study and unfortunately, this isn't studying. but hopefully more this weekend, as I have Saturday off again. so WAHOO!!!
have a good Thursday evening, enjoy it with the family, and enjoy this moderately decent weather we're getting!!!!
mucho love-o!!! xoxo!!
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